Saturday 26th Jun
So I've been here for almost 2 days already. The flight was fine - I slept most of it so it didn't feel so "are we there yet?" as I thought.

I got to Los Angeles and it smelt like rain. I was a little disappointed because I was still recovering from my Aussie Winter cold, and I was expecting summer weather.

By yesterday afternoon, it was stinkin hot and summer was in the air! I went shopping at Northridge Mall (The 5 pairs of undies I bought made me regret bringing so many to begin with!) then had dinner at this salad type buffet called Souplantation. It was cool eating there because it was OK to eat as much as I wanted coz everything was pretty healthy.

Today, we spent the day at Venice Beach which is a city drive from where I'm staying. A little bit seaweed infested and shell infested... but a beach is a beach! We built a castle, dug a hole, went swimming and of course... TANNED! I'm a little half black now which I'm a bit excited about.

Saturday night for Veed and I is a bit quiet. We're just resting the day off because we're gonna have a big one tomorrow. Tell ya'll about it later.

OBSERVATIONS
* Californians talk really LOUD with very sharp accents
* I find it interesting how on my cousin's school calendar it has to say "Don't bring weapons to school"
* There are a lot of huge cars/trucks/4WDs here - really high off the ground too!
* I think the Hispanics are the Wog equivalents in LA

--

Monday 28th Jun
Yesterday was a little bit full-on:
* Walked down the Hollywood Walk of Fame for a while
* Tried our hardest to get pictures of street signs and the HOLLYWOOD sign
* Had lunch at Universal - @ some place called "Tommy's"
* Drove through Beverly Hills
* Walked around Santa Monica Beach

My calves this morning are a little bit sore from all the walking. But I was so taken aback at the ambiance of it all - it was worth it!

Tonight Veed and I are flying out (seperately) to the east coast where I believe we'll spend part of the day at my cousin's college. I wonder what that'll be like huh? So I believe that concludes the LA leg of my trip.

We're gonna re-pack now... coz we've managed to make a mess of everything we've brought and bought. Slates Gates.

What do you do when you've got an hour left to board with nothing to do?

Search for an e-lounge of course so you can blog the last "seeya later"s and "i'll miss you"s. Yes, yes. I'm a loser.

Last night my remaining two lifelines in Sydney came over to watch the last couple episodes of ALIAS with me because I wasn't gonna get to see them next week. Nix hung around and helped me pack - didn't know it was such an anxiety filled task. I was lying in bed last night partly because I couldn't sleep, but mostly because I didn't know whether I had everything I needed.

I didn't have much sleep coz I was out at around 10 to 6 this morning so I'm really sleepy at the moment.

I managed to miss out on an aisle/window seat... but I was lucky enough to get a seat smack BANG in the middle of the row... in the first row. So that's not too bad. It just means I have some extra leg room and I'll probably be blinded by the big screen in front of me.

I'm satisfied that I got to speak to (or will speak to) the seven wonders of my world before I leave... take care of yourselves you guys... I'll miss you lots.

... and to the rest of you, contrary to what you think, I will miss you guys while I'm over in the US. HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY MINDY (for Monday).

Make sure you guys e-mail me and let me know what's happening in Sydney while I'm gone... get me on my it e-mail nredobla@it.uts.edu.au.

Apart from that... I'm over and out. See ya'll!
(Only 1 out of 3 computers at the e-lounge station is working... so I better go)

The past 2 days...
- I was told that "getting overly excited" is my thing
- I've been slaving away at the books, trying to get as much information into my head as possible
- I've managed to sleep on my notes a few times because I have such a short attention span
- I've made 2 trips to UWS Parra Campus to study to the extremely loud "hum" of the airconditioner (heater... whatever)
- I found out I can't donate blood because I'm sick and I've been taking cold & flu tablets
- I drowned my blood donation rejection sorrows by having lunch with the girls plus Mamo and Lowl
- I carried Qpac around like my boyfriend
- I finished up all but one draft page on my FIT printing quota
- I organised all my contacts on the Sony Ericsson my mum bought me so she can call me in the US
- I watched ALIAS with ALISA and almost cried watching the preview for next week; hence decided that I'm not watching ALIAS on the plane... I'm watching it Thursday night. Alisa's coming over, anyone else wanna watch me pack?
- I procrastinated like an itch
- I drank 2 coffees in 12 hours
- I put phonecalls before studying
- I'm sporting two phones now => Voda + Optus, so you guys don't have to dog me just coz I was just on Optus
- I got my first credit card

The next 2 days...
- I've gotta do 2 exams, then celebrate alone... haha
- All the information that was deposited into my head will depart
- I'll be packing for my US trip
- I'll watch the season 3 final of ALIAS

... that's all I can think of. There's tonnes more though I believe, I just can't think right now. Okay bye!

i NEED you

Okay, so I've blogged many times about needing certain things in your life, whether we need certain people in our lives - so today I'm switching it up a bit...

Is feeling needed a need in itself?

Weird huh?

I'll give you an example. At work right, there are times when I'm relatively idle and I start wondering whether they really need me there. Like, the world isn't going to end if I'm not there right? That makes me dispensable - maybe good to have, but not tragic to be without y'know? Ok, so I've been there for about 6 months and I realistically can't be more important than people that have been there for ten or fifteen years... but you get me...

Then you think about your other relationships...

Is it not true that we attend to those friends who need us more than to the ones that can manage on their own?
... then, is it possible that we continue to want to feel needed as much as possible? Is it part of our fear of feeling replaceable in the relationship? Do we then do everything in our power to keep close to the people that depend on us, that need us partly because the feeling of being needed comforts us? It's like it gives us some sort of reassurance that that person could never "leave" us because they need us...

Hmmm... just something to think about. I haven't made any conclusions because everyone's different. This is just what I've picked up through observation, through experience. My reasoning might be incorrect but it's how my head explains things to me...

--

And just to close up the little discussion from two posts ago...

There are things I'm going to regret not doing, sure. But I'm a strong believer that things that should happen, will happen in time. Sounds a bit na?ve, I know. I guess if you've seen the kind of pain people who were "sure" and had their hearts broken have to go through - and if you've been through it to a degree yourself - enough fear is instilled within you to take the defensive road. It's not enough justification, I know. But it's the road I choose to take.

--

What.. up...
* I'm going to the US on Friday - WOO HOO! Y'know what that means... it means, if you want something, you gotta tell me what you want and all soon so I can have some sort of direction while I'm shopping. ALSO, so very importantly, I need some songs to burn onto my MD before I go overseas so I can listen to them on my solo trip to LA. I'm gonna be so bored! Mindy said she'd lend me the last couple ALIAS episodes coz I'll be missing them while I'm over there so I'm bringing Qpac to watch them on. Other than that... PLEASE RECOMMEND SOME GOOD PLANE SONGS so I don't get so bored.

* Friday night was my last night of work, so I stayed back a bit to finish some things I had to do before I left. I had din din with my mum, Veed and the KJ at Sheraton on the Park - so nice so nice! Too bad I wasn't super hungry. I woulda eaten more if I cut back on the lunch earlier in the day aye.

* Last night, Veed and I had a bunch of friends over for a desbidida before we go overseas. Veed's friends rocked up at 7pm-FiloTime (i.e. 8-ish); my friends ended up rocking up at 7pm-SuperFiloTime (i.e. 9-ish). Alisa brought her new Magic Sing chip so we went nuts on songs we don't usually sing, which was real fun. I had a wonderful time last night. It was one of those nights that make me want to stay in Sydney because I'm gonna miss these kids the most while I'm overseas. So much changes in a month aye. But nevertheless, I'm looking forward to seeing the US family bad!

* Minh was a no-show last night. But that's coz she's sick like a dog... there's something going around for sure. I think I'm getting it too. Last night I started feeling all cough-y and sore throat-y... and today I'm a bit runny in the nose. Needless to say, being sick is not something I want right now. So get better Minh... and all the other sick people okay?

* That's all... bye.

Might be stepping on what Mindy wrote... but anyway...

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is crazy talented!

How many people do you know that can sing, dance, beat box, play keyboard, play the guitar, look crazy fine, and make you want them every which way possible ;)?

The concert itself was quite good after the string of ballads he did. But I've decided that I probably won't go to a concert with unreserved seating ever again! Seriously. The $132 I paid for that concert barely covered his 2 hour performance and the 70c covered Christian Alexander's performance - slack huh... ok I'll give him the booking fee too. But the concert experience loses points for:
* The 4 hour wait in the cold
* The obsessed fans pushing the life out of me
* The girl that was leaning on my arm so bad I swear she could have broken it
* The fact that I didn't walk into the Horden Pavillion - I was dragged into it
* The lack of hydration - somehow the kids in the front row deserved drinks more than the claustrophobic a few rows back
* How Justin spent about 40% of the concert standing behind a microphone
* The lack of air
* The screaming and exessive swearing of girls who didn't get as close as they wanted
* Having to see so much leg in such cold weather

Crazy points for:
* Seeing Cameron Diaz on the side watching her man, singing and dancing to his songs
* JUSTIN'S HOTNESS

... so you guys decide how good it was.

On another note, I had a pretty good d&m with the Mew tonight. Seriously, I don't think I've talked like that with her for months! It was nice. That's all. Goodbye.

thankful.

Let's try this again...

I'm thankful because I know that, if I really set my mind to it, I can achieve what I need to achieve by the end of the day. Last night, I was so set on just complaining about what I can't change that I made no progress on the report. But it can be done. Even if it isn't super complete, or super perfect - what's gonna matter is that we did the best we could in the time we set ourselves.

I'm thankful because I still have two legs that can get me from here to there. Even if it gets me there a little slower than usual, I at least have the option to get there at my own discretion. I'm also thankful that this injury isn't even that serious and it'll be gone in a week and I'll be fine again.

I'm thankful because I have friends that are there for me regardless. That these people I hold close, stay close... and they're who really matter. I had a talk with a couple of people last night. They reminded me that, in the bigger scheme of things, what I worry about is insignificant. They reminded me that I am a tad too emotional about things after I've psycho-analysed and over-analysed them, drawing my own conclusions that just upset me. THEN, indirectly, they reminded me that there are people that really care - I'm just so consumed in my issues with the people that don't seem to to see that. Holler, you two. You guys rock my world :)... really.

--

Add to that the mini-discussion I had with each of them about... ok.

Have you ever wanted something so much that you didn't?

...or rather, have you ever wanted someone so much, someone that you think could make you really happy, that you were scared of ever getting them because the mere thought of losing them terrified you? So scared that you're almost glad you don't have them? See, coz I have that... and as much as having him could be amazing, having him means keeping him... which might be a challenge in itself. So I'm fine w/out him now. Excuse the crypticness... if you know, you know. If you don't, don't get your panties in a knot trying to figure it out.

Okay... gonna start using this new found mojo I have. Positive Energy really works! Bye.

tired.

I'm mentally tired because I don't know what to do for the Accounting Report we have due on Tuesday. I don't know how to decide how to do this without a set criteria. I don't know where to start without knowing where to go. I don't know what the best way of going about this is either because we've received zero guidance. I can't really complain though. It's our choice it's been left till this late. So I'll deal... and we'll deal.

I'm physically tired because it's almost my bedtime. Add to that the pain in my left knee after it gave while I was playing ball today. Add to THAT my tired right leg - so tired I don't feel like getting up and walking tonight. But I'll deal.

I'm emotionally tired because I let what I feel affect the way I think. I never imagined that not caring would be so hard. I'm sorry. I just don't let go of things that I once believed where important to me that easily. But I'll deal.

... because if I don't, I allow myself to be consumed by all of this, and frankly, that's NOT what I want.
I've decided to hate. Not because I do, but because I think it'll work.

".. whether or not we THINK we're on the controlling end of a situation, we're the ones who get hurt in the end. That's so messed up. I hate it. I really really do."

I was thinking about why people get hurt. I think that perhaps, to a degree, we let ourselves get hurt. In the many situations I've seen recently, I've seen people get hurt because, at some stage, they let themselves go. A wall comes down. A wall that exposes their inner most being. A wall that kept them from being vulnerable.

Once that wall comes down, it's a long and difficult process to build it back up. The person that made you feel like you'd be safe bringing the wall down is the same person that made you remember how important it is to keep the wall up. Then they change. Well, they don't really change - they return to the person you knew they had in them but were too naïve to see through the lies.

You don't believe they could ever really hurt you; but then you're not suprised when they do...

How do you go back to a time when you felt invincible?

I'd be leaving to play bball right now but I just ate... gotta respect the one hour rule... plus I'll probably throw up if I start playing right now...

Anyway... last night was AWESOME! I'm thinking about it now, and about what I briefly wrote about in my last post - how, it's really the PEOPLE that you're with that make an experience fun. Like, no offence to anyone that organised Studio@INNC, but I wouldn't say the party went off or anything... it probably wasn't the best 'clubbing experience' I've had, but I was in the best company and that's what made the night awesome!

I'm so happy that my seester is happy. She's wanted to meet Levi for aaages! You should see the smile she had on her face when he kissed her hello - priceless! Can't blame her though - you shoulda seen how teenybopper Lil and I were when we saw him!

Ace had the only good set. The guy that DJ'd next was okay but I think the songs he played attracted too many booty shaking fellas... either that or all the girls were all danced out.

Anyways, as much as I'd love to recount the whole night (read the sarcasm...), I've got some sitting around to do.

I'll probably post the pictures up later today... plus some because I haven't put pics up since January! Laters.

*editEXTRAedit*
Ok... I know why I haven't put that many pics up - coz not much has happened in terms of picture taking since January. I just put some up from Al's, Fay's and Trinh's... Enjoy!

PS. Mindy's the cutest when she's drunk! I've got this pic, which I didn't post, where you can tell she's a little trashed... hehe that's all.

FLASHBACK: May 3rd 2003

have you all seen the video clip of foolish by ashanti? i think it's soooo sad at the end when she's leaving and sees him at the door and drops her bags. i felt her pain. and i hate that i know that's what i'm like. i'm so pathetic.

--

Do you remember that song? The words are echoing ever so loudly in my head right now. I remember back then when, no matter how unhappy I was with him, no matter how badly I knew the relationship wasn't good for me, no matter how hurtful his actions were... I went back. I was convinced that the "good" aspects of the relationship were enough to keep me there. I was convinced that they were going to hold us together. Even if the good times made me happy - it was a temporary happiness that was always cut short by the inherent problems in our relationship.

I think that's one of the most difficult thing I ever had to go through. Walking away from something that wasn't good for me most of the time even though it made me happy some of the time. Comes back to my theory about the power of hope - but you've heard enough about that from me.

So I stop and think that maybe, you could learn to appreciate me. Then it all remains the same that you ain't ever gonna change...

The ideal part of me wants so much to believe in change.

*phew* Enough reminiscing...

Something else that's on my mind... what makes an experience enjoyable? Is it where you are and what you do? or is it more who you're with?

I definately think it's the latter... maybe. I'm still contemplating the whole thing in my head actually.