Before I begin, the last couple nights in Jersey in pictures here.

What's been going on in my head lately...

SELECTIVE MEMORIES
I was looking through my pictures the night before I went to Melbourne. Now, this wasn't the first time I've seen these pictures of course. I've seen them MANY times. I've seen pictures of the same parties from other people's cameras, some telling stories, representing my memories, other peoples' memories, and many showing the evolution of relationships between people. As I am looking at each picture, I notice that there are some missing (because durr, I'm not gonna print EVERYTHING). Then I started thinking about the pictures I left out. What they meant to me, and whether what was contained in them gave me reason to not print them. I'm not a dumbass. I'm self-aware enough to know why I didn't print some of my pictures. I know why, even though I took a picture from my camera and printed it, I needed to get a copy of the exact same picture from someone else's camera just because it looked better than mine, or just because.

I'm so strange.

So my photo albums, the frames on display in my room, the SMS' I keep on my phone, the conversations etched into my memory...

They are my memories. They are the memories that I consciously chose to keep. It doesn't tell the whole story of my life. But it tells enough for me to look back and smile.

SECRETS
Tell me you have none and you're probably a liar. Everyone has secrets. Secrets that complicate the world because you've gotta keep track of who knows, who doesn't know, who can't know and who has to know - and don't get me started on the various issues that come up because of loyalty...

So how much do you tell someone you truly care about in that way? Do you want to hang your dirty laundry all over the relationship so everything is open an honest? If so, are details important? Or is "Yes, I cheated on my girlfriend" enough? Do you try to start a new slate because what's in the past is in the past? Or do you think these secrets are so integral to who you are today that it's imperative that your partner should know? Then there's the timing issue. Do you tell them in the beginning of the relationship? Do you tell them when the relationship's getting serious? Do you tell them up front so they can drop you if they can't let it go? Or do you just hope that they don't drop you when you tell them later because it's already serious?

I used to be one to think that openess is the best policy. A relationship with secrets was a relationship without trust and honesty.

But then, I've seen people make mistakes. Mistakes that could break a good relationship up if it came out. Some of these people would admit their mistakes. Others don't. It's only been recently that I've come to truly understand why they don't. Imagine being so into someone, imagine going through all hell to be with them... then imagine losing something you want so bad because of something that happened in the past.

I'm not saying it's an excuse to keep secrets. But I don't want to be the person that's made a mistake that could break up something that I really want. That's all.

EXPECTATIONS
This one won't be long, I promise.

I don't know what kind of people you are, but I aim to please. I have this subconscious need to make everyone happy, or at least not make anyone really upset, in many situations. So if something was expected of me, I would try to please as much as I can. Give people what they expect of me.

That's most of the time of course.

So what do I do if the ball's not in my court?

What if my aim's are dependent on someone else's decisions?

... and What if that someone else's expectations of them mean their probable decision ruins my goal?

Ok seriously... I think too much weird stuff. Bye.