... and she asks

"Are you angry at me?

I'm inspired by little things. The way she asked gave me a good feeling inside. I can't even explain why. It was just really nice.

Brb.

Before Sunset

... is hands down THE BEST MOVIE. Well, no, it's my favourite for the moment. Okay, so it doesn't have that great an ending, but the movie's defining scene did it for me. I've seen that scene, heard that dialogue three times this afternoon. Depending how well you know me, you'll completely understand WHY this movie pinched me so hard in the heart. I saw myself in Celine... that's all. She's a Sagittarius after all =)

I'm not gonna get over that movie, or that scene, for a while. In about 6 hours, I'll have it ripped onto my PC so I can watch it over and over.

Oh... my song of the moment:

Tyler Collins - Thanks To You

It's so uplifting. I love it. It's my new karaoke song - too bad I don't have it on my Magic Sing chips.

This evening, I remembered why I don't like shopping. When I say "shopping", I mean "shopping around". I don't know about you guys, but I'm very wham bam thankyou ma'am about shopping. I don't go unless I want something, and when I see something I like, I'm in and out of the store in record girl time. Most of the time of course... sometimes I do cruise.

My Dad took me around Liverpool, The Crossroads and Orange Grove looking for a recliner for my mum. I was restless after 5 minutes man - and the only reason I lasted the next 20 minutes was because I chose to roam around the computer section of Harvey Norman. I bought a new X-over cable and some blank DVD's. That was satisfying.

I was thinking today... the beauty of hearing someone say: "no matter what happens...".

It has unconditional written all over it. It's very comforting.

I'm done now. I'm gonna leave you with something that Celine said in Before Sunset:

Reality and Love are almost contradictory to me

I found that... interesting.

Piece.

got it!

I was lying in bed all night with a thought. A thought that I didn't know how to put into words...

I don't know about you but, since I'm a bit of an observer, I'm a believer that actions speak louder than words. If there is some inconsistency between what a person says and what they do, I'm inclined to view their actions as truth, taking away the validity of their words. After all, don't they say that you should always "practice what you preach"?

There was this quote that came in on my QOTD (http://www.quotationspage.com/data/qotd.rss) feed that I never really got until I woke up this morning (Did I ever tell you that my best ideas come to me in the morning, once I wake up? Well, they do). The quote summarised everything I was thinking about last night:

Actions lie louder than words

... because I think my actions have been inconsistent with the way I feel and what I say. This also reminded me of something that was told to me a while ago - that things aren't always what they seem...

Which then brought me to the question: Why would people not act on what they feel, or what they've said?

... and that brought me back to the fact that sometimes the mind needs to force us to do things that go against what the heart feels - or what it tells us to say. Otherwise...

Oh dear. I need to get out. Bye!

completely

Jennifer Day - Completely

Country softc*ck is pretty mad. There's always a bit more desperation in the voices that sing them that make the songs a bit more emotional.

I saw Where the Heart Is this evening. Natalie Portman is my flavour of the month. She's so beautiful.

Mindy asked in in her blog, it was asked in the movie I saw tonight:

Why do people lie? ... there are so many reasons

... telling a lie could completely change the course of your life and, as the movie suggested, so can deciding to telling the truth.

If only it were that easy...

Anyway, can anyone recommend some good movies that I can watch while I'm at home? Preferrably classics that I should've watched when I was younger, or whatever really. I like this movie watching thing =)

My sister got her student card in the mail today. I didn't. That means I start paying $34/week for my train ticket from April =\. That also means I'm graduating soon! I'm so excited. I started practising my graduation smile today.

I wonder whether things are gonna be different this year now that most of us are graduating. I finally understand why so many people were pondering on how friendships were going to change and whatnot last year. I've thought a bit about where some of my friendships would be in a year. I resolve to persevere in my friendships so I don't lose them. Little do you know, the world has other plans for you - and you have no choice but to ride with it.

Ok ta-ta!

euphemism

In CLOSER, Dan was telling Alice how he uses euphemisms to write his obituararies.

I'd like mine to read:

She was a DREAMY, PASSIONATE FREE SPIRIT

... haha. I spent a bit of time at thesaurus.com to work that one out.

It's funny when I looked up "paranoid", it's three definitions were: insane, lunatic and mentally ill. Ouch. I should really stop being so paranoid then aye.

I'm really excited about this weekend. I was thinking about it today, and I haven't done anything summery all Summer! I was gonna beach it with Minh tomorrow, but that fell through so it looks like I'm roaming Parra with the MHCC'ers instead.

Also, I went on a date with Alisa last night. I missed that girl man. This summer has been very... different in so many ways. Now that Mama's home, things might veer toward "normal" again.

This staying at home thing isn't good for my sanity. It's quite boring. It also put me in the pensive mood as I predicted. I knew that, when things stopped being so hectic, that I was gonna have time to assess where things are going for me. It's all a big blur for me. I don't know why, and I don't know how to make it clearer.

Time, I guess.

Okay bye!

erased.

Would you ever erase the memory of a relationship in your past?

... even if it hurt you to remember it?
... even if it made it hard for you to move on?

Course not, right?

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight. Weird movie. It was, however, rather engaging.

It reminded me of how painful a past memory of a relationship could be for someone, of how some memories can be so crippling, it's hard to move on.

The movie, however, also reminded me that, regardless of how hard it is to retain memories of a relationship, I'd never erase them. I believe strongly that, after you peel off the the bruised skin of the overall memory, you're sure to find memories you're never going to want to let go. Memories that will never fail to make you smile, no matter how much time passes.

That's how I live. I hold on to the best of life. It keeps me going.

In other news...
When I got back from the US, I was black. No kidding, it was very bad. Now, I'm the whitest. M-cubed, back from the Gold Coast are all bronzed, and I've become a wintery white. It's pretty funny.

Good Night =)

lotion hydrates your skin

I just wanna share something with everyone...

My favourite thing to do after taking a shower is to moisturise. It's the best.

That's it. Bye!

survey

1. Maria Sharapova OR Anna Kournikova
2. Maria Sharapova OR Bec Cartwright
3. Brigitte Wilson OR Lara Rafter (are they married yet?)
4. Marat Safin OR Roger Federer

This is all superficial. I'm talking about looks. That's it.

Thanks for your cooperation =)

storytime

... because I should tell some stories.

The Generous Tip
So during Adore, my cousin's, Veed, Kirk and I stayed in a hotel at Chinatown so that we didn't have to trek it all the way home every night. Also meant that we could wake up that little bit earlier because we were already in the city.

So it was Sunday morning. Kris, Kate and I were waiting at the busstop for a bus. We just missed a whole flood of buses so I didn't think any would be coming soon. I'm impatient y'see and I figured, we just needed a ride down the road so I decided to taxi it up George St. instead. So we hail over a cab and upon getting in he says to me "I do not know my way around, I'm still new". So I'm all "Yeh, that's cool, it's just down the road anyway" - trying to be nice and all.

When we got to the George and King St Maccas, our fare came to $4.75. I handed over a $5 and I hear the driver say "Ok, I'll just get your change". Being the snotty person I am, I go "Oh, forget it, you can keep the change - it's only 25c". He then started offering to help my cousins take their suitcases out of the cab. When the cab drove off, my cousins looked at me and said "Wow Ate, you're so generous. You let him keep the change!" as if the 25c meant the world or something. So I was thinking... "Okay, my cousins are a bit tight" but then after a bit of chatter I realised....... I gave him a $50 note! I was shocked! When I saw the $10 note and the $5 note I should have used in my wallet, my heart sunk. I couldn't believe I gave the guy a $45 tip!

Anyway, I calmed down with a Starbucks Latte and resolved to never catch a cab half awake ever again.

After Adore
I went to Ryde, where a few Melbourne people (plus Gerardo from Brisbane) were staying. We had a late dinner at City Extra at the Quay. Gelatissimo closed before we could get to it so we had dessert there too. Nice night. We were up till the wee hours just talking about whatever in the motel room.

I had barely had 1 and a half hours sleep when I had to wake myself up to take Tito Mario to the airport around 6.30am! Eesh! That was a difficult drive man - even with Cyrille chattering next to me like a good shotgun should.

Tennis
I've been watching quite a bit of tennis as of late. I used to watch it heaps back when I was younger. Still a good game.

Pictures
There are a lot of new ones up on my Imagestation.

Glennifer
Glenn graduated the other day! Congrats cuz!

Australia Day
Wasn't too eventful. I was supposed to do something with the Hawai'i girls tonight but then... y'know. So we're planning for Sunday now. It's in my diary now okay! I haven't seen those girls in years!

Memories
Mel and I have been reading my old blogs tonight. What's more is that we started looking at ancient pictures as well. So much has changed man. We've all grown up, we've matured (some more than others =])... but sometimes, you wish you had the old times back, don't you?

That's why I don't understand why kids these days wanna grow up so fast. If they only knew how much they'd miss their adolesence once they've past it... if only I knew...

Okay, good night!

hocus FOCUS!

ADORE2005 rocked Sydney! Although I was in the background a lot more this year, I still learnt a great deal and I (like to think I) came out a better person than I was when I went in. Most of all, it touched my heart to see the number of people at the congress who were touched by the whole experience. Therese described it in the most perfect way in her blog.

Part of me is glad it's over though. That was a HECTIC week. I had to sleep late, wake up early and move around all day. It's good to just chill again. That's what work leave is for right?

Fr. John told me two things that stuck in my mind:
1. "You think too much. You analyse too much; and when you analyse too much, you become paralysed"
2. "You just don't know how to commit to any of your resolutions"

Sheesh.

So anyway, I think there's something wrong with me. SO many times in the past week, I'd be thinking about something, then I'd snap back into reality and I'd completely forget what I was thinking about. It's pretty bad man. Sometimes I'd be thinking about something really "important" (read: important to me) and I'd lose everything. Damn.

I was listening to Bad Habit in the car today and I started thinking...

How many times have we resolved to let go of something, only to be plagued with the mantra that goes:

It wasn't good for me, but it was good

and suddenly, the resolution we made is blown to bits.

MY answer: so many freaking times!

I've now resolved to change my focus. My mantra now goes:

It was good, but it wasn't good for me

...making sure my last thought is the reason I resolved to let go - that it wasn't good for me, that it wasn't meant to be. So many times, we hold on ever so tightly on the good parts of our experiences in life, our relationships, that we just can't move on from them. We keep looking back, blocking out the fact that, during our good experiences, we'd be feeling silent hurt.

There are always going to be things in life I wish were different but I can't fight for something I'm never really going to win.

So that's where I am right now. I'm making myself over.
I'm trying to plan more, and commit to plans more.
I'm trying to make sure my heart and my mind are cooperating.
I'm trying not to over-analyse so much that I become paranoid.

It's difficult because being a tad non-committal, emotional, and analytical is me. So I feel like I'm changing me. But in the words of Henri Bergson:

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.

... and JFK

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

In other news...
* My mum's coming home before the end of the week!
* Maria Sharapova is HOT

That's it. Sorry about the randomness of this post. Laters!

doctors

I was at the hospital with my mum yesterday when a doctor came in and changed the position of the needle where my mum takes her antibiotics. She was so careless man. Like, I'm sure she did it right, but when she left, my mum had drops of blood on her legwarmers, her blanket and some on her hand, where the new needle was put in. Once the doctor left the room, I asked her "Is she coming back to clean you up?" and my mum just shook her head and said "No, she's a doctor" like it was supposed to make me feel better about my mum being so messy like that. I cleaned all the blood that the doctor left. Okay, so what if I wasn't there?

I don't know if you know where my story is going. I don't really know where it's going, but I just wanted to vent that.

Mum Update
* 17/1 - The trackie came out of her neck so she can talk
* 18/1 - She had her first meal! Yum... jelly and broth.

I'm so excited for my mum. She's doing so well. Thanks for all your prayers. Really.

So, it's just been ADORE2005 stuff the past couple days. Sorry, I have nothing more interesting to recount.

I talked to Minh last night to catch up coz I couldn't make it to her house. I have lots of cappage left so I used an hour on her (hi).

Else, things have been busy. I've been distracted. I haven't really had time to be consumed in thoughts of this and that. I haven't had time to feel. I guess it's a good thing. Come next week... eeps!

Ok bye!

emotional

Someone called me emotional today. I'm not really arguing against the claim, coz I am pretty emotional. I was just thinking - why does the word emotional always imply someone who worries too much, sooks too much, loves deeper, complains too much, cries easier. Why does the word emotional have negative connotations sometimes? Since when was it bad to worry about people that you care about or complain about things that mean something to you? Noone calls people with extremely bad tempers "emotional", do they? Yet, isn't "anger" an emotion too?

Sorry, I'm getting a bit emotional about this haha.

I'm so sensitive. Apparently, it makes me different. So different that it's so difficult for people to understand why I'm so strange. Oh well.

I was listening to AT40 this afternoon. Beautiful Soul is on the countdown. Wow. I love that song. I got it like 3 months ago aye... I didn't think it was ever gonna become popular.

So, I've pretty much sold my soul to ADORE2005 this weekend. We've been working on all sorts of things for the event, so that's taken up most of my time. Can't wait till it's over so I can chiiiiiiiiiiill!

Minh's back from Thailand! W00t!

Last night, I went to Fox and some North Sydney lounge. I was pretty bored. I remembered last night that I'm so over clubbing. Sometimes, I wish I could enjoy it, but I'd just be forcing myself for one reason or another. The most fun I had last night was d&m-ing with Cor on the way home =) I missed that girl!

Ok, bye!

PS. I was upset, sad... now, for some reason, I'm angry.

untitled

I was thinking tonight about how, when you've been friends with someone for years, you pretty much have them worked out. You know what makes them tick, you know the way they react when people treat them a certain way, and you somehow assume that, because you're one of their best friends, you're an exception. That they'd be more tolerant, more understanding because you expect them to know you that well. You expect your friendship to withstand any trials and shortcomings that may come about.

The thing is, maybe there's a line. There's a limit. You can't keep throwing stuff into a plastic bag. One day, the plastic bag will break. It's sad. It's sad when you feel you're the object of pent up frustration because it seems you rarely help lighten the load. You know them. You know that you're hurting them. They say they understand, but you know that they wish things could be different.

I'm sorry. I really am.

out of my element

in one's element

In an environment naturally suited to or associated with one; doing what one enjoys.

So...

Before Sunrise

Destiny's Child - Bad Habit

(thanks Alisa)

I just finished watching Before Sunrise on VIDEO (thanks Nix). There are so many parts of that movie I wish I could remember. There were lots of parts of that movie I had to rewind because I felt very de ja vu - like I felt like I'd said (or thought) some of the things she said.

I always feel this pressure of being a tall and independent icon of womanhood and not thinking, making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone and being loved means so much to me. I always make fun of it and stuff... but isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

... and there was this part where they were in a listening booth, just the two of them, and she would look at him and once he'd turn to look at her, she'd look away. Then when she'd look back, he'd turn away... *sigh*

I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away.

I really enjoyed the simpleness of it.

I was talking to Mindy about pilates today. Has anyone tried it? Well, I have. I tried it because I heard it'd be good for me, help me become more flexible, help my breathing. Unfortunately, my first class was a painful one. In the days that followed, I was in pain - so much that I didn't go back. Since then, I did go back... but I was so afraid of the aftermath that I didn't put my all into it. So, pilates, to me, is useless.

They say pictures say a thousand words.
It's amazing the things that are said in silence.

Seeya!

mama knows best

Now that my mum's in hospital and unable to really talk to us, talking to her is like having a diary that writes back to you with advice. It's so much easier to take her words of wisdom these days too because it's on paper. There's no irritation or impatience that comes free with some advice services (hi, like mine =]) and I'm able to reflect on it before reacting to it.

So, it was suggested to me yesterday that I might be feeling incomplete; that I feel a sense of emptiness in my heart. I never really accepted the possibility of me feeling emptiness. I always thought that feeling empty was selfish. I mean, I have a wonderful family, the best network of friends, my dream job and to top it off God is a part of my life. What else could I possibly need?

Then I figured it out.

A "special someone" would be nice. Someone that chooses me. Someone I don't have to share. Someone that wants to share my world.

When I told Veed what I had discovered, she told me about a "conversation" she had with my mum earlier in the week where my mum wrote the following (my mum writes everything in a diary, so I was able to read what she wrote):

Your sister has had many dreams, ever since she was young. Most of them have come true, except one. I want her to let go of it and move on. She needs to stop being so idealistic and loosen up.

Now, if anyone told me that, it'd go in one ear, out the other. I'd probably even get offended because someone was telling me to "loosen up" and I'd probably snap "loosen THIS" straight back. But like I said earlier, I can't get mad about the diary that writes back to me, and like the title of this blog states Mama knows best. She may not know EVERYTHING about my whole life, but she knows me. She knows what needs to happen. She knows what I have to do. I know what I have to do. I'm trying, I really am.

This is not to say that I think I need a boyfriend. I'd eat worms before I ever believe that. While there's noone around, I'm content with what I have already. I'm not settling for anyone. I can't lose EVERYTHING idealistic about me.

Good Night. Sorry if this post was a mess. It's not meant to make sense.

Laters.

re-evaluate...

Maxwell - This Woman's Work

NewYearsResolutions.append("#5: Keep a pocket diary (like Mel's) so I stop cancelling on people because I double-booked"); // DONE
NewYearsResolutions.append("#6: Start committing to things, such as resolutions");

... effective now.

workmate: so what are you doing tonight?
me: not sure yet. i usually work that out later, right before we actually do it.
workmate walks away then comes back
workmate: aren't girls supposed to be able to plan these things in advance?
me: oh. right. i'm not a normal girl. hi, i love programming.
workmate: oh. yeah.
workmate walks away and leaves me questioning my femininity

I'm such a pain in the a5s. That ends now. I gotta start acting like a girl. Laters.

in the face of adversity...

This is the optimist in me.

What I've seen during this whole tsunami disaster is the coming together of many countries. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of assistance many countries around the world are providing. I'm overwhelmed by the eagerness of Australian, British and American (and more) populations have toward donating what they can to help the victims of the tsunami. The way the big economies are freezing debt repayments from the affected nations, the way everyone wants to help.

I just think it's very inspiring.

Events such as this really put your problems in perspective. So what if I've put on 4kg and can't fit into half my clothes? So what if noone's called me all night? So what if I don't think I'll make my Mastercard deadline? So what if I can't charade the word MAJORITY?

So what...?

People around the world have much more pressing problems. Some kids don't know where their parents are. Some parents don't know where their children are. Thousands are now living in a state of poverty after their homes were washed away. Thousands of people can barely find a place to get some clean water.

Please help out if you can.

On a lighter note...

PLAYIN TABOO - "Sounds like............................wistake"

I'm not gonna get over that one.

Seeya when I seeya!

the real "chalk and cheese"

There really is nothing that can be done about our relationship right now. It just cannot be fixed if you ask me. There's an air of annoyance, indifference and contempt. It's sad. It might go away when the circumstances that brought it about goes away, but it's upsetting to know that we just can't live in harmony in the midst of such a big trial in our lives.

There's so much anger. It doesn't help much that we're both have just as much anger as each other. Freakin' genetics. I'm almost afraid of having kids EVER now in fear that I'll pass it onto them. Imagine having to deal with a teenager like me?? Also, I'm almost afraid of ever getting that close with anyone that they'll feel my wrath (ok, I'm exaggerating, but it's still pretty relevant) because it'll really hurt them.

On somewhat of a TANGENT, remember when I said I don't like secrets? I came to the conclusion today (you do a lot of thinking when you're in a hospital reading nonsensical books) that I don't like being a secret. There's just something really unnatural, uncomfortable and fake about it. Unfortunately, this train of thought did not veer anywhere toward a solution so I'm stumped.

I've also resolved to stop waiting for people to be available to watch a movie with me anymore. I'm gonna go watch some on my own (yes I can, yes I can, yes I can). Either that, or I'll just do a lot of solo DVD nights. They could work. I just hate being so behind on the movie scene coz I have to wait for a movie friend. That's pointless. Although these days... I don't really have time to do movies or the sort.

Such is life.

Ok, bye!

Welcome 2005

gavin mcgraw - i don't wanna be



We welcomed the new year sun from Balmoral this morning. Kudos to Lish for providing her house this morning for us to chill in during the earliest hours of the new year.

Since the first day of 2005 is almost over I think it's about time I make my New Year's Resolutions:

#1: Keep God first
#2: Synchronise my three minds - the mind of my heart, my head and my body
#3: Meet new people
#4: Be more pro-active

... and that pretty much covers everything I want out of the new year.

The New Year is also a good time for... Letting Go and Moving On. It means I also hope to let go of what holds me back from being the person I wish I could be. I want to let go of what's preventing me from moving forward. I want to let go of all the hatred in my heart. Clean Slate, I say. There are a few slates I want to wipe clean. I'm doing that today.

Ok... that's it. Hope ya'll had a good New Year!