Weakness.

I have many. Let me share some with you...

* I'm an idealist - so I've been told recently. I used to think that this was an okay quality to have but when you're an idealist, nothing is "right" unless it's "ideal". What I've learnt recently is that something that seems "ideal" isn't always "right"...
* I'm a perfectionist. I have expectations of myself, and of people that I work with to produce what may sometimes be an unrealisticly perfect solution/assignment. Very high expectations. I want everything to be of the standard that I expect it be. Although it may imply that I'm ambitious or whatever, it also means that I might tend to push people beyond their limits. Being a perfectionist comes with stress. I blame the stress I experience on my need for perfection everywhere around me.
* I'm too careful. This means I don't take risks often. I'm not assertive when I need to be. I hold back because I don't like conflict.
* I'm terrified of change - mainly because I think changing is a weakness in itself. You know when people tell you to "never change for anyone"? I take that seriously and I think that any change in myself is a change for someone. I'm terrified of the unknown consequences of change - whether it be a change in lifestyle, friendships, or attitudes.

There you go. A little insight into me.

Something else I was thinking about. What matters more? Your external persona - or what you really are on the inside? I used to think it was one's inner strength, but recently I've begun to believe that it's the way you deal with your internal sufferings externally that matters. That's what people see. That's what people judge you on. People respect those who are outwardly strong. How many people look up to those who break-down in public over something they can't manage on their own?

I might be strong 95% of the time... but it just takes that 5% for a person's reliance on my strength to falter.

It's with a lot of things really. Sometimes, a beautiful face with one tiny flaw can cause people to see that face as something ugly. Sometimes, someone intelligent saying "I don't know" could make that person 'not so intelligent'. Often it's a good person's one mistake that causes people to turn away from them and brand them 'imperfect' and not 'normal' or 'human'.

One more thing. Something Mel blogged about in her last blog. About how "the people [or person] that can make you feel better [or happy] the best are the people who can also hurt you the most". Made me think a little. About the power that the person who can invoke these fragile emotions from someone has.

It's like when I used to tell Alisa that she had the power to destroy me because of everything she knew about me. I'm just eternally grateful that the people I choose to really trust choose to look past my faults and encourage me to press on.

A smile... can say more than just "you just made me happy". A smile, a thank you, a "you've really made my day" could just as much mean "you can really hurt me" or "please be careful with my trust".

Just to end my looooooooong reflection of crap, something the priest said in his sermon today. Has anyone come up to you and told you that they're praying for you? It's happened to me before... and let me tell you - it's the biggest injection of encouragement. That tells me that that person really cares for me. Cares for more than just me, but for my soul as well.

Oh gosh. Sorry for that. I get emotional sometimes. Bye!

*editEXTRAedit*
Like you're not sick of me already. But I was just taking down laundry from the line. I started thinking about the fights me and Veed have sometimes. Dialogue that goes between the two of us often goes along the lines of:
SISTER 1: Because you made me feel like...
SISTER 2: I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but I didn't intend for you to feel like that
SISTER 1: So you need to be mindful of what you do and think about how it makes people feel...

(today, fyi, I was SISTER 1... but usually I'm SISTER 2)

So anyway, I was thinking about the little riff Veed and I had today... and it's amazing how things that you do affect people in ways you never imagined. I've been the affector (or? or er?)... but I've also been the affected. Doesn't feel good. Surely everyone's been in both these positions - maybe you don't know you've been the affector, but how could you know right? Yes so... I just think that's interesting. Bye.