To blog or to sleep...

Guess which one I chose?

I've been awake for 24 hours now. Working on SITPP for around 70% of that time. What a glorious subject. I'm on a combined total of an hour's sleep. It's gonna hit me later. I just know it.

So many times I wish people understood me. I keep saying that in my head, but then, what if it's me that has the problem? That many people can't be wrong. Why do I have to be so stubborn? It's such a crazy world, this world.

Crazy... coz I chose blogging over sleeping. Well I'm gonna get me some now. Out.

*editEXTRAedit@14.43*

Heard this song in the car today and it sounded nice:
Big Dismal - Missing You

* I haven't eaten a proper meal for about 30 hours (and if Macca's doesn't count as a proper meal, even longer!)
* I haven't had a lot of sleep...
* I'm too lazy to eat... and somehow I'm too lazy to sleep.

Anyway... so Peter G said "we did well" in our presso today. As expected, there were holes in our work but at least we're armed for the killer at the end of semester - hopefully.

Today... I wore makeup. Not really, I just put powder on my face because I didn't wanna look as dead as I looked when I got out of the shower.

... and now, Alisa's orders, I must sleep.

Mariah Carey ft. Trey Lorenz - I'll Be There

Ok... what the HECK is going on with my voice? It's sounding a little sexy these days. There's a little raspiness in the back of my thoat. The thing that's annoying me about it is that I can't sing. So fine, I'm not that good a singer. But I hate trying unsuccessfully to sing, coz now I'll just be singing and my voice will just cut off. I feel like Cosima (lol, as if I know how she felt).

So, I made a deal with myself today. That I'm going to be happy. I have a choice, and the alternative isn't good for my spirits. Do you reckon that the more you tell yourself you're happy, the more you start believing it? Well whatever, I'm pulling out the optimist in me today. I bringing out the girl that trusts that everything will be okay. I like her.

In other news...
* I'm working on a new project at work. Gonna be diving into JMS and peer programming. Something new, something different - exciting!
* Had lunch with Cchan today. It's always nice to catch up with people from the SS homecamp.
* I committed to going out on Friday night. How good is that? I hardly ever commit this early to plans.
* Rest would be good.

Ok bye!

12:40am: Hi =)

xscape - arms of the one who loves you

A bit of old school; although I can't really relate the song coz it's got 'love' all over it...

Sometimes I wonder...

Correction: Many times I wonder what people are thinking about when they stare into space. I wonder what's going through their mind when they look at different things, different people.

I like to observe the look in people's eyes. Wondering whether it's saying "What an idiot, but I love 'em anyway" when they're looking at their special someone. Seeing the "If I could change one thing..." look on the person who's made the biggest mistake of their life.

Lots of thoughts go through my mind during the day. I think deeply about a lot of things - so deeply that I almost live in my own world trying to guess what's going on in everyone's head.

I wish I knew what you were thinking. Raw end of the deal I tell ya.

In other news...

Just got my mail:
- I got the tickets for Hawaii! OMG OMG OMG It's getting closer!
- The Red Cross is coming to Mac again and they sent me a letter telling me I can donate again. That's nice. Especially since the last time I wanted to donate, they didn't let me coz I was sick. So, Monday the 18th... gonna give them my best blood yet!

I'm in a bit of a soft mood right now. Yeh, yeh... I'm always soft. But I'm a little more soft than usual right now.

Just got back from a weekend away with the uni kids. We were up at Umina from Saturday arvo till this afternoon. It was quite lazy, quite drunk, too relaxing, much fun. Lots of foosball, sh-dongs, some beach action, go the doggies, speed, Dodgeball, Jodeci and You Got Served.

Weekends away are so relaxing. Especially when you're away with your friends, away from the reality of life, away from responsibilities, just... away. There's so much I wish I didn't have to come back to.

Coz it'll never make sense.

flkafdsalkjsdfhlkasdlkafklafsdjghalksfdhlakfdsjh.

Ok, the rest of this needs to go elsewhere.

I'm such a mess. I have a HCI presso tomorrow I've barely started. I THEN have a SITPP presso on Friday which I've barely started. This doesn't feel good, doesn't feel good at all.

Excuse the 'all over the place'-ness of this entry. There's a lot on my mind that I cannot eject. Bye!

I was on fire last night at the Vigil.

... and it felt really good.

I had much to pray about.
I had much to be thankful for.
I had some to ask for strength for.
I had petitions for things out of my control.
I had to believe things are all going to work out.

Some people call it fate, others destiny. I call it His Will. Things happen according to His will in His time.

Weekend away this long weekend. Happy Labour Day!
Umina here I come! Bye!

Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

That song is SO Avril. Anyway...

MOST ______ MOMENT

melancholy: 2.15am
exciting: Getting the invitation to the Mac Graduate Cocktail Party
extra exciting: Getting the free T-shirt with the invitation
lazy: Edwin, Dave and I sleeping in my living room after lunch
'the Internet never lies': "And meanwhile... trust"
oh damn: Realising I'm probably only going to work one day next week
what do i do now?: Right Now.

Piece.

PS. Still not bulletproof

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear

So I've had a pretty good weekend.

Friday night was a bit of a lost cause because all I did was hang out with my tweezers.

Lucky I got my rest though because Saturday was a BIG day. The CityTreasureHunt was good fun. SO tiring, but good fun. I wasn't very Sydney-smart though so I wasn't really competing. Next year though (yes I'm going to do it next year!), I'm gonna train myself mentally and physically for it. Very fun.

Last night we all headed up to Broadway for Foj's (+2 other people +minh) birthday party. Needless to say, I was a little trashed by the end of it all. But you know what? I had a really good time. A little everything-but-drunk fun isn't too bad. Plus, I met a whole lot of new people, hung out with the girls, talked to the boys... lots of fun.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINH!

... so ok, I'm not a good story teller. This is more my style isn't it:

One needs to stop caring to stop feeling
One needs to stop feeling to stop wondering
One needs to stop wondering to stop hoping
One needs to stop hoping to stop hurting

s/One/Nel/g

With that in mind, I don't think doing any of that is easy. Not easy at all. I was thinking this morning and I realised I'm still looking at that door. I'm working on it. I can probably turn away from the door, but I'll always have the doorknob etched into my hand.

In the words of Llewol... eat that. Bye.

So, last night I was thinking about the extent that my past has shaped my attitudes, personality and my decisions.

(I don't know how much I'm gonna share right here. Let's see how I go.)

Unlike most people I know, high school life for me wasn't the best time of my life. I know this because I see the way people talk about their high school years with a sense of nostalgia; I ask people "high school or uni life?" and I realise, under no circumstances, that I'd never really consider my actual high school life as a good memory in its entirerty.

... ok I'm being over dramatic.

High school wasn't bad. I made some really good friends, I grew up, I experienced things, I had fun. But it was those events, broken relationships, times of desolation that made me who I am today.

The people at my high school were different. When I look at who my friends are these days, I discover the type of people that I wish were around back in the day so I didn't have to experience everything I did. I had few real friends back then and I relied on my out-of-school life to keep me going.

Point is, I was never super comfortable. I was a drifter. Many of the relationships I made were surface relationships. They were fragile.

I hurt people without thinking. I got hurt. It wasn't easy.

It makes me wonder. It made me wonder whether I'd be more confident, less careful, more aggressive towards my relationships these days if I had a past where I was always accepted, always protected and never made to feel isolated.

I've had to depend on myself for a lot of my life. I think it's how you grow. When you know that things change, people change and little is CONSTANT, you have to adapt. You have to think before you act. You have to be mindful about how different people may react to things you do. Because we don't all have the same value system.

With that, I also want to add that... I'm still not perfect. I still offend people unknowingly, I can still be selfish, but I'm working on it.

That's it. Bye!

Destiny's Child - Illusion

Allright. I don't know what I'm doing here. But I want to blog. But I honestly have nothing to blog about.

Um, so this week's been mediocre.

Monday night, I slaved away on my HCI assignment. That subject hurts me to the bone (somehow "hurts me to the bone marrow" doesn't sound that good... but if it did, I'd use that). It's physically painful. Not because it's particularly hard, it's not. It's painfully easy and useless.

Woke up Tuesday morning to finish the sucker off. Handed it in at the tutorial (where our tutor talked about the difference in her voice when a sentence ends in a '.' and a '?' - like really?) and skipped the lecture.

And lucky we did, coz I reckon if we actually went to class, we woulda gotten stuck on Parramatta Road on the way home because of some fire at Newtown-ish.

I also got my retainers in the morning. Which pretty much ends the whole braces/dentist-once-a-month chapter in my life. Kinda nostalgic about it if you ask me.

Today (well, yesterday now) is Krissy's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSIN!

That's it. See? Told ya I had nothing to say. Bye!

PMS is great. Now back to regular viewing...

On a Monday I am waiting
Tuesday I am fading
And by Wednesday I can’t sleep
Then the phone rings I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cause you’ve come to rescue me

Fall, with you I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath
I hope it lasts

It seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
It’s as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody and messy
I get restless and it’s senseless
How you never seem to care
When I’m angry you listen
Make me happy it’s your mission
And you won’t stop till I’m there

Fall, sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom crash
You’re all I have

How do you know?
Everything I’m about to say
Am I that obvious?
And if it’s written on my face
I hope it never goes away

It was much simpler when...

... the only man who I loved was my Dad.
... the only man who I found happiness in was my Dad.
... the only man who I wanted to tell everything to was my Dad.
... the only man who I was afraid to disappoint was my Dad.
... the only man who could make me cry was my Dad.

Then life messes you up and you can never go back to that.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

-- HELEN KELLER

UNCLE JOEL: Nel, your smile is different. There's no more blingbling.

HAHA. What a cracka. I'm gonna collect all my "no more braces" jokes... if I remember to.

In other news, I'm sick for the third time this year. ARGH!

Ok and does theOC have to take over the world? It's on tonight too! Gosh.

That's all. Good Night.

Suddenly 30

THE VERDICT: I laaaaaaaaahved it!

Are you surprised? More later. Bye!

-- EDIT --

It's almost 1pm on a Saturday afternoon, and I'm in my bed, blogging.

The world's fantastic.

Figure I should tell you what happened in the past week. I don't wanna bore you though so I'll just give you the pseudo-interesting bits.

SITPP Assignment One (I said pseudo-interesting right?) came and went this week. Well, it came a while ago, but it officially went yesterday when we handed it in... after a long night of tidying up, padding, trimming, you know the sort. My three troops cramped up into my room (and if you've seen my room, the word 'cramped' is almost an understatement) and worked until the wee hours of the morning to get the thing done. The End.

I was de-braced! Yep, my teeth are free! "Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!". I've gotten the usual questions. The procedure was a lot more quick and easy than I expected. I didn't even know they were off until the dentist said "Ok you're done!". I was expecting a long and awful process of bracket removal, but it was the polishing and cleaning that took most of the time. It doesn't feel that much different actually. I'm not used to my new smile, so I don't wanna do it yet coz I liked my braces smile better for now.

Night out with the girls last night to watch Suddenly 30. Goes without saying that I adored it! Can't say a great deal about the plot being amazing or thought provoking, but seeing Jennifer Garner looking so beautiful was enough for me. And thanks to K-Mart, we have it on DVD! Wee! Best anniversary present EVER! (Just kidding! Happy 5mths Veed and K-Mart!)

... and I'm out.

LESSON of the DAY

... Not everyone wants to hear what I have to say a lot of the time. Sometimes silence is needed to keep the peace.

That's it.

Possibly continuing on with last post's theme... THE PAST

How important is someone's past?

... and more importantly...

How much of someone's past is relevant to the make-up of their current character?

You hear it said many, many times. How we learn from our past experiences - whether they be good/bad experiences, good choices or mistakes.

MISTAKES

mistake: n.
1. An error or fault resulting from defective judgement, deficient knowledge, or carelessness
2. An unintentional error

We all make mistakes. Some of them were intentional at the time, and it's only when you look back on them months or even years later that you realise how clouded, misguided or defective your judgement was. Some mistakes are petty and can be forgotten within a short period of time; others become a burden for a very large part of the future.

So does the burden every go away? Does the burden of a mistake ever expire?

How can it?

When you first meet someone, when you initially start to get to know them, don't we want to know what their past was like? And isn't it in our nature to automatically judge people because of their past? Sure, some people are able to see past another person's mistake - accept them as part of a misguided part of their life... but there will always be people that rely on the fact of a person's past and be unable to get past them to get to know the person NOW - the person who has potentially learned from their mistakes.

Then there are a whole set of unforgiveable mistakes. Each person has a different idea of what actions are part of this set.

So what happens when you meet someone that considers one of your past misjudgements as unforgivable? Is it even worth pursuing that friendship/relationship? ... when it's more than likely that, no matter how young/misguided/naive/blind/immature you were at the time, no matter how long ago it was when you made the mistake - it's always going be part of your character resume for that person.

Not many people enjoy remembering their past mistakes. Even more don't like to be judged because of them.

I'm one of those people. It's because of my past mistakes that I've realised how important it is to consider a person's CURRENT character instead of digging up a past that they don't want to remember. For some, mistakes are a means for gaining a similar realisation.

Just something I was thinking about. Bye.

Something was brought to my attention today.

Apparently I portray a 'good girl' persona, I make out to be some sort of 'angel'.

But you know what? I'm not. There's no way I deserve to be put on that high a pedestal.

It almost physically hurts to hear people tell me that I'm some sort of role model.

To tell me I have no blemishes...
To tell me I've never done anything to hurt anyone...
To tell me I can't possibly be capable of doing anything wrong...
To tell me that I know how to handle situations best...
To tell me I'm "not that type of person"...

... is telling me that you're being deceived. That you're just one of the people who have talked to me or read my blog and assumed that I'm a 100% 'good girl'.

I have just as many demons as the next person. Just to set the record straigh.

SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS - Elements in a closed system tend to seek their most probable distribution; in a closed system entropy always increases. Isolated systems will tend to disorder.

I read that remembering that things seem to never be able to stay in harmony. The world always seems to find a way to mess things up, and for someone like me, that really really really sucks.

It's a cycle, I find though. Downtime is always followed by a bit of uptime so we've just got to train ourselves to endure the downtime. I'm a big believer in the sunshine after the rain.

I forgot my point.

faith n. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
believe v. intr. To have firm faith, confidence, or trust
trust v. To have or place confidence in; To believe

"The important thing is for you to believe in something, because I promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always."

-- JEN LINDLEY (Dawson's Creek)

What is it to have faith?

Can you advise someone to "have faith" in something? How can you possibly tell someone to believe in something? When material evidence is lacking, can you really convince someone to trust?

Something I've learnt is that trust, belief and faith come from within ones self. Unless one chooses to have faith in the unknown, attempts to convince one that something exists, or that something is possible, go unheard; and it's sad. It's sad because it's only through believing in the graces of the future that allows us to release ourselves from what holds us back, from what's stopping us from facing the world with confidence.

Learn from the past, live in the present and look to the future.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

-- ROBERT FROST

DOUBLE STANDARDS

They exist - and just like secrets, everybody has them but nobody talks about them. Everybody has them and we all wish noone else did. But there out there. Can't do anything about them - so I blog about them.

Something I realised while on my holiday (yep, I holiday but my mind is still pondering) is that the biggest double standard that I have is the one by which I encourage people to 'move on'. Move on from situations, people, or, more commonly, past loves. I still attest to the fact that moving on can be, and many times is, one of the most liberating things one can do.

Why can't I, do you ask?

... because I'm not getting hurt, yet. I'm trying... I'm trying.

PET PEEVES

They say you need to earn respect. Respect and be respected right? So I suppose, if you attack, don't expect to not be on the receiving end of some sort of retaliation.

I don't appreciate feeling like a second rate friend to people who expect me to bend over backwards for them
I don't appreciate feeling attacked for asking a favour

... then people wonder why I'm not assertive. I get offended, just like everyone else, but I get over it. I just needed to vent.

I'll say it again, I'm over it. Don't ask me about this, unless you want me to relive it. Please don't make me relive it.

MORAL OF THE STORY

* Double Standards suck, but wishing people didn't have them would be a double standard in itself.

* Don't talk to me about this post

* You get what you give

* Don't talk to me about this post

* Good night.

THE MELBOURNE WEEKEND

... was a good getaway with the girls. The 3 M's and I flew out early Saturday morning on good ol' Virgin Blue and touched down around 8.30am at Melbourne's Tullamarine Airport.

After we dropped our stuff off at our humungous apartment (ok, not THAT huge but there was more than enough space for the four of us), we had brekky at The Pancake Parlour. Mindy parted with us soon after because she was feeling sick and her body didn't agree with her trekking around Melbourne City. Minh, Mel and I trekked it to Brunswick St and up Smith St, walking in and out of stores, walking out every few collectively poorer. We found Mindy in her pyjamas watching TV when we got back to the apartment. That's when the king of migranes hit. It must have come from all the continuous walking, the heat, the not so heat and the lack of food. I was out of order for a few hours. I pulled myself out, with migrane residue, to go to dinner at some Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. Yun joined us (i.e. "Mindy and co" - how insulted!) to finish off our leftovers toward the end of dinner. We chilled a bit at Transport bar in Federation Square before calling it a night. I think we were all physically too tired to party that night.

We were up semi-early on Sunday, ate Mel's homemade brekky and rode the tram for free to Bridge St for some more shopping. After Bridge St we went back into the city, split up and went exploring. I had to get back by 6-something to go to late mass at St. Patrick's before rushing home to watch the remainder of AIdol (Go Kasey!). When I got back, Mitch was being the JI of the night. After Idol, we had dinner at a cafe toward Crown then roamed around Crown. We watched the Crown flames at 11pm then had a late dessert inside the complex. Since we're all selfish, we all ordered (and didn't finish) one cake each. We went home after that and knocked out.

Sunday... the last day we hit Chapel St in South Yarra to pretend to shop. I didn't end up buying anything from there. I think I was all shopped out. We made a quick stop at St. Kilda before heading back up to the city so I could meet up with Trinski, who'd been waiting for the past 3 hours for us - OOPS! We caught up while looking for somewhere to eat, then we all had dinner at some very trendy Viet restaurant. That took us to the final hour... that was it. We picked our bags up from the apartment and cabbed it back to the airport to fly back home to Sydney.

Back to the real world. Back to reality. Back to life.

Thanks for the weekend girls. Love, love. Bye!

Ok, I'll admit it... I'm a sucker for love and the sort. I was up all night reading all these quotes and every few really strike a chord with me.

So many quotes, so many meanings but I'll only remember some. I think that the ones one reacts to - say something about the person. Don't you think? So deduce what you want about me:

Because science and rationality has nothing to do with it...

How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics
so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

-- ALBERT EINSTEIN

You call it madness, but I call it love.

-- DON BYAS

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.

-- PASCAL

Because it's true...

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

-- ALLAN K. CHALMERS

Because it goes beyond the boundaries of age and time...

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

-- AMY BLOOM

Because it requires dedication...

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings..

-- ANAIS NIN

Because I believe it should be selfless...

Him that I love, I wish to be free -- even from me.

-- ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

-- ROBERT HEINLEIN

Because it is a choice (thanks anonymous#2)...

Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.

-- BARBARA DE ANGELIS

Because it's miraculous...

Whoso loves, believes the impossible.

-- ELIZABETH BARRET BROWNING

Because it involves friendship...

All love that has not friendship for its base,
Is like a mansion built upon the sand.

-- ELLA WHEELER WILCOX

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

-- FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

Just because...

If I know what love is, it is because of you.

-- HERMAN HESSE

That's it. Thank you and good bye.

You either know this or you don't.

I analyse for a reason. I preferred science and math to english or art. It's because I yearn to know.

I prefer to know why than to eternally wonder why things are the way they are - because I live by what I know an get lost in the things I wonder about.

I want to know the truth, not just hear a point of view - because the nature of the truth helps me to understand various points of view.

My heart feels more than my head thinks - because your heart knows what will make you truly happy.

This post almost seems contradictory.

You either understand me or you don't.

You know what? Friday the 13th had the complete OPPOSITE effect on my life. Lots of good stuff happened. Don't really feel like going into it right now, but y'know, just had to make the point.

I ended up heading out into the city for Friday night with Nix. We talked about a whole array of things - my favourite being deciding where we'd like to be proposed to at. Not really, we were really talking about emergency places to dash off to if our boyfriend decides to pop the question somewhere meaningless. We named parks, rivers, memorable benches, sights, lakes - all sorts of romantic settings just so the surroundings are beautiful when it happens.

Now that I think about it though, I guess, ultimately, it doesn't matter WHERE I am when the moment comes. What really matters is WHO is on the asking side of the question. Hmm... but don't you think an ideal "WHERE" is much easier to discuss than the ideal "WHO"? I think so.

We met up with Minh, Will, Mindy, Eric and co at Bungalow 8, which was crawling with lots of after work drinkers and bar-goers. After eating, talking and wearing a bib (eep!) we trekked to the movies to watch (after the long decision making process) The Stepford Wives. Eh... it was okay. There were lots of times I cracked up laughing... but then there were times when... I needed the movie to be over. The night ended after that, after Nix and I played "What time will we get home?". That was fun.

ENDINGS
I decided to blog about this after watching I, Robot yesterday arvo with Al, Nix and Jay-E (look Nix, another nickname!). Mainly because, I didn't really understand the ending. I found myself asking ever so curiously "So what's gonna happen next?". Joe shut my mouth by saying the very words that were the conception of this part of my blog:

"Nel, the movie ended where it ended. You're not supposed to think about what happens next"

REALLY?

Then we thought about it. In Serendipity, Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack end up together because they were 'meant to be', and they celebrated their one year anniversary - but have we ever thought about what happens next? We're led to believe that they stay together, get married and live happily ever after.

Are the endings of movies only good when we're satisfied with the outcome? Satisfied enough that we can make up a 'happily ever after' sequence in our heads?

Here. I'll tell you something else. We were all sitting in my room last night looking up the meaning of the I, Robot ending when we started talking about the ending to The Buttefly Effect. I was horrified to discover that I watched a COMPLETELY different ending to Veed, Nix AND Alisa. While I was giving them my opinion of the ending I saw, they were all staring at me with the blankest faces - just before bursting out in laughter because they thought I was dillusional. We put the DVD on and found out that I had watched 'The Director's Cut' and that there were, in fact, two different endings to the movie. When I showed them the ending that I was so satisfied with, they all - in unison - declared that "Their ending was better". I refused to agree because I was already completely satisfied with my ending that I couldn't conceive any other ending to be as fitting for the movie.

But, my version never made it to the cinemas for a reason. I understand why. But I still like my ending better :).

To conclude, I, Robot was an excellent movie. But I hated that I was walking out of the cinema wondering what was gonna happen next because I didn't feel the story end properly. Anyone wanna close it up for me? Bye.

PS. I don't really like my last blog. It's too messy. I might delete it.

Ever felt like you had something - and then have someone tell you, or have something happen that signals, hi, you don't have it?

It's a funny feeling. But y'know... if it wasn't meant to happen, it wasn't meant to happen. But it's cool... life's better without the complications.

Holler.

-- EDIT 120804 --

Veed pointed a nice quote that would go as another nice prologue to this entry:

"My daddy used to tell me that the first time you fall in love, it changes your life forever, and no matter how hard you try, the feelin' never goes away. This girl you been tellin' me about was your first love. And no matter what you do, she'll stay with you forever"

The Notebook - Nicholas Sparks pp15-6

-- END EDIT --

Usher ft. Alicia Keys - My Boo

There's always that one person that will always have your heart

Imagine that. That's just nuts. It's a good song though. That's all. It's been a long day, I need rest. Goodnight ya'll.

*editEXTRAedit*

Hi Nix =D... that's all hehe.

Dee, hope you had a good night. I (attempted to) explain the reason for my absence. Next time love, next time.

... and to my favourite kind of commenter: the anonymous.
I'm not sure whether you want my opinion about the line, or the song in its entirety, but I suppose they imply the same thing anyway right? So here I go...

First, I'm only 21 years old and the word 'always' to me means the same thing as 'what seems like forever' because, until I'm pushing 40 and looking back on my life, I can't really know if someone has 'always' had my heart.

Second, you have to ask yourself what 'someone having your heart' means to you. Differs from person to person but I think it affects most people the same. I like to believe that to give my heart to someone is to give my heart to them for a loooooooong time, if not 'always'.

I don't know about you, but despite how many times I say I'm 'in love' with someone (relax, I'm kidding 99.99% of the time), it takes A LOT for someone to have my heart. YOu know what else? I don't realise that someone's got my heart until the feelings have consumed me and it's too late to take it back. At the same time, this poor person doesn't realise that I've given them my heart at all. Then, throw in the battle to regain possession of your heart and... it's tragic really.

So I reckon, more often than not, regardless of the number of times you've tried to convince yourself you've taken your heart back, it's still with the person you gave it to in the first place. Unfortunately, one's head doesn't tell one's heart what to do, what to feel. The heart decides on its own whether it wants to stay put or whether it's time to return to the mothership. The time it takes all this heart transfer business to propogate to the head varies from person to person. You're lucky if you're able to register all of this before you've gone too deep.

I also think that, in the same way it takes a lot for someone to have one's heart, it takes just as much of a different energy for one to take their heart back.

I don't think I covered everything, but I've babbled on enough about this. How about I leave you with something that I'm currently uncertain of:

Can you be with someone while your heart is with someone else?

That's it for me now. Good night.

BLOGGER as a communication device

Who has my ALIAS Season One Boxset?

-- edit --

BLOGGER back to normal

"Happiness is our responsibility"

I like that. Not only coz Jennifer Garner's mum says it, not only coz Jennifer Garner believe it - but coz it's true. My life wouldn't work if I wasn't positive (as much as I can be, of course). I'd probably just dig a deep hole of sadness, and speaking from (far far) experience, it's not very fun down there.

Just came back from vigil. Some things that popped into my head:
* I desire the well-being of my friends just as much as my own
* Prayer is power
* I need to get control of my heart again. It's been way too long and it might not even be worth it (fYOURi, it's that whole 'put your eggs in one basket' thing you mentioned the other night) - until next time
* I can't say it enough, but I love my friends. I really do.
* Geez it's freezing...

Sooooooooooooooo, what do ya'll wanna do tonight? Bye!

-- edit --

Just finished watching A Walk To Remember. I laaahved it! I don't remember why I didn't really like it the first time. But I thought it was quite beautiful watching it again.

#1: "What is a friend? It is one soul dwelling in two bodies" - Aristotle. Gives meaning to the word SOULMATES now doesn't it?

#2: My dad walks in halfway through the movie. Being my dad...
Dad: Your mum already watched that movie didn't she?
Nel: I don't know? Maybe...?
Dad: She dies
Nel: (even if I know the story, I am mortified that he said that) Dad!
Dad: What? (and if you didn't think it could get any worse) They get married then she dies

Oh, my Dad. Bye now.

Before I begin, the last couple nights in Jersey in pictures here.

What's been going on in my head lately...

SELECTIVE MEMORIES
I was looking through my pictures the night before I went to Melbourne. Now, this wasn't the first time I've seen these pictures of course. I've seen them MANY times. I've seen pictures of the same parties from other people's cameras, some telling stories, representing my memories, other peoples' memories, and many showing the evolution of relationships between people. As I am looking at each picture, I notice that there are some missing (because durr, I'm not gonna print EVERYTHING). Then I started thinking about the pictures I left out. What they meant to me, and whether what was contained in them gave me reason to not print them. I'm not a dumbass. I'm self-aware enough to know why I didn't print some of my pictures. I know why, even though I took a picture from my camera and printed it, I needed to get a copy of the exact same picture from someone else's camera just because it looked better than mine, or just because.

I'm so strange.

So my photo albums, the frames on display in my room, the SMS' I keep on my phone, the conversations etched into my memory...

They are my memories. They are the memories that I consciously chose to keep. It doesn't tell the whole story of my life. But it tells enough for me to look back and smile.

SECRETS
Tell me you have none and you're probably a liar. Everyone has secrets. Secrets that complicate the world because you've gotta keep track of who knows, who doesn't know, who can't know and who has to know - and don't get me started on the various issues that come up because of loyalty...

So how much do you tell someone you truly care about in that way? Do you want to hang your dirty laundry all over the relationship so everything is open an honest? If so, are details important? Or is "Yes, I cheated on my girlfriend" enough? Do you try to start a new slate because what's in the past is in the past? Or do you think these secrets are so integral to who you are today that it's imperative that your partner should know? Then there's the timing issue. Do you tell them in the beginning of the relationship? Do you tell them when the relationship's getting serious? Do you tell them up front so they can drop you if they can't let it go? Or do you just hope that they don't drop you when you tell them later because it's already serious?

I used to be one to think that openess is the best policy. A relationship with secrets was a relationship without trust and honesty.

But then, I've seen people make mistakes. Mistakes that could break a good relationship up if it came out. Some of these people would admit their mistakes. Others don't. It's only been recently that I've come to truly understand why they don't. Imagine being so into someone, imagine going through all hell to be with them... then imagine losing something you want so bad because of something that happened in the past.

I'm not saying it's an excuse to keep secrets. But I don't want to be the person that's made a mistake that could break up something that I really want. That's all.

EXPECTATIONS
This one won't be long, I promise.

I don't know what kind of people you are, but I aim to please. I have this subconscious need to make everyone happy, or at least not make anyone really upset, in many situations. So if something was expected of me, I would try to please as much as I can. Give people what they expect of me.

That's most of the time of course.

So what do I do if the ball's not in my court?

What if my aim's are dependent on someone else's decisions?

... and What if that someone else's expectations of them mean their probable decision ruins my goal?

Ok seriously... I think too much weird stuff. Bye.

What's going on people?

I expected a whole array of new blogs to read. Oh well, at least Neex kept me entertained.

I guess I can't talk myself because I haven't blogged for a while huh? But seriously, not much has happened since I last blogged - kinda.

On Thursdee a bunch of the uni people met up at Wynyard Park for Jas' 22nd Birthday. Oh aren't we getting ancient? I, myself, didn't socialise much since I got there late because I had to buy a few big sandwiches. After work, I met up with Minh and Mamo for a bit of dindin and talkage at Centrepoint.

Most of late last week, MMMM&I (So many M's, not enough N's) got a whole bunch of pictures developed at Harvey Norman because they were doing digital prints for 20c each! I managed to lose my mum's memory card too because I'm crap. But I'm so glad I got so many pictures developed! I also got some enlargements - and I even made a collage - to put into the frames in my room.

After work on Friday I met up with Mel and Minh. We went to Twelve Spices for dinner then we chillaxed at my house, talking, looking at pictures and, of course, karaoke-ing.

Saturday I was up bright and early because I was flying out to Melbourne. Long story short, the retreat we went to was fun and inspirin as usual. I met a lot of kids from Brissy and Melbourne I had heard of but never really met. Such a good crowd those guys.

Last night after the retreat was over, a bunch of us went to Crown Casino just so we could see a bit of Melbourne City (this was my second trip to Melbourne and I'd never done that!). That was pretty fun too. I can't wait to go back in three weeks with the girls!

... and now I'm back home. I arrived around 10am this morning. Dropped by Harvey Norman to pick up the last of my cheap prints and trained it, baggage and all, back to Fairfield.

So that's the recount. I have a few other things I've been thinking about... but I'll save that for another blog. Peace up. A-Town.

You see, that is just like you Harry. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Harry... I really hate you.

Tonight, I watched the OC for the first time since everyone's been raving about it like it's the new Dawson's Creek but I thought it was awful. I don't know if I can learn to appreciate it - or whether I even want to give it another chance. I guess it's just not my style.

Anyway, what's been the happs? I guess I've just been doing some catch-ups since I got back and got off my ass..

FRIDAY
* Met up with Melicious Friday arvo for half an hour of coffee (I don't know what she was doing - she previously had an almost 2 hour lunch!)
* Ran into Danny J on Martin Place on his regular 4o'clock smoke break
* Bus'd it down to Central to meet Vin and Al (and Merv). Had drinks at Star City and re-hyped ourselves up for Hawaii! Then they went to dinner and I found out I couldn't come
* ... so I tram'd it back to Central a little earlier than scheduled to meet up with Llewol. Told him my 'How to Wait' theory and he told me his shoe theory
* Had dinner with Jas, Lily, Kev, Minh and Mindy at good ol' Superbowl
* Trekkkkd it over to V-Bar for some guy named Andy's Birthday party. Had a few drinks... had to give my 'rinsed down Vodka' to the birthday boy because I couldn't down it
* Got a ride home from Kev and did not fulfill my shotgun duties

SATURDAY
Was Mindy's 21st Birthday Party @ Hotel CBD. Was a fun night overall, from what I remember. I was a little bit more-than-tipsy so I let a little su'thin slip. Mindy was beautiful - she didn't even have that worn out look when the party was over. Kudos to Melicious for the ride up and the KFC afterwards :)

SUNDAY
* Decided to go to Melbourne this weekend
* Caught up with the Camarines' at their new house

So, I'm back at work now. My manager didn't waste any time in getting me back into the swing of things. I was hoping for a bit of idle time before they threw anything new at me. But I'm coping, I'm coping...

CONCLUSION
At the end of my first week back... I've decided that many things have not changed.

Thank you and good night.

RANDOM US MEMORIES
... triggered by the hoodness in last post's comments

Our matching GAP outfits


My digi-cam is currently out of order because somehow, on my last night in NY, the LCD screen broke. I think I mentioned that last post. Something else that almost broke my heart was that - on one of my millions of trips to the bathroom that night (Veed told me I went a lot... to pee not to throw up) - when I went to look at the pictures on my camera (a little buzzed mind you), I realised my memory card was gone! By then, it was time for us to depart. I reported the missing memory card to my cousins outside and they sent Ryan and Veed back in to look for it. I don't know HOW it happened, but they managed to find it on the floor with the help of the club's security. Lucky.

The most embarrassing that happened (it'd probably top my throwing up in Macca's Florida) was in New York after Veed and I roamed around the city for a bit. We'd met up with Mel after she finished work. It was pouring rain - this is when I bought the $5 umbrella - so we retreated to a bar on 6th Ave and 57th St. We were standing around, Mel and I had a drink in hand and Veed was holding onto Mel's sweater. Veed decided to leave us for a bit because she wanted to check out the store across the street. What she didn't realise was that she had left Mel's sweater in the bar. So Mel and I did what you'd expect of us and hid the sweater so she'd think she lost it when she gets back. When Veed came back and realised it was missing, she told the waitress. Meanwhile, Mel and I are pretending to look for it, trying to contain our laughter. Suddenly, the bar manager came up to me all worried. He was all "Are you sure you don't have it? I gave it to you when you sat down! Maybe it's in your bag" and he pointed for me to check my bag. Of course, when I opened it, it was there and I laughed about how forgetful I must have been. I was so embarrassed. What I realised after was that Mel had bolted to the bar when she saw the bar manager coming toward us - she was gonna leave me to deal with this on my own! Ass... thaaaaaaanks Mel.

I think I have a hearing deficiency because no matter how hard I try, I can't WHISPER. I don't think I could count on my two hands how many times someone would hit me because I was talking to loud. So, I'm sorry for embarrassing anyone... I'm just incapable of whispering.

RANDOM QUESTIONS
... from the US trip plus some

* Do you have sausage or bacon and egg mcmuffins from Macca's?

* Would you rather end up with someone the traditional way (meet, date, fall in love...) or would you rather end up with your best friend (think 'When Harry Met Sally', 'Love and Basketball', 'Brown Sugar')?

* (hi Jay-Z) "You can't turn a bad girl, good; but once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever" - true or false?

* Do you believe in destiny/fate? Or do you think that we're in total control of the final outcome of our lives?

MY DAYS...

* So I haven't left my house since coming back from Parramatta on Tuesday afternoon. Is that a bit sad? I don't know, I'm trying to make the most of this home alone doing nothing time because it's all going to go back to routine next week.

* I've been trying SO HARD to adjust my sleeping patterns. Tuesday night I managed to sleep after 10pm which I was happy about. Last night I had to sleep at 9.30pm because I couldn't take it anymore. Both sleeps resulted in me waking up at 4am ugh. This afternoon I slept for 3 hours from 5pm because it was 3am NJ time and that's what time I'd usually fall asleep. Let's hope I can fall asleep tonight yes?

* Tomorrow I'm going into the city for the first time. I think I'm meeting up with the girls for some after work catching ups. Then we'll let the night run itself. Saturday night is Mindy's 21st bash at Hotel CBD which should be fun!

Ok that's it. Bye.

It's never fun coming back home to Australian Winter from three weeks of US Summer. I've never done it before but I imagine it can't feel much better than this right?

Now I really don't think ya'll wanna hear the play by play on the last 3 weeks right? So I'm gonna see if I can break it down for you a little.

I'VE DONE IT BEFORE BUT IT WAS MY FIRST TIME
... I travelled to LA and New Jersey alone
... I really got homesick - yeh I missed everyone much for the first few days
... Veed and I travelled parentless
... We stayed in LA
... We went to Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica (can't say it's as glamour as the world may think)
... I travelled with a credit card (eeks!)
... I was there in the Summer
... We went down to Rutgers University and stayed in New Brunswick
... I took on the streets of New Jersey behind the wheel
... I panicked on the road when I missed the GSP exit on Route 4
... I had int'l roaming and took my mild aussie missage out on the bill
... We went to New York unaccompanied and did the tourist thing
... We saw the 4th of July fireworks from South Street seaport
... We had a car towed on us - cost us $US200 to get back!
... We went to South Florida
... I saw lizards roaming around like ants... ew
... I went to different beaches three days in a row
... I went to a beach at all!
... We went clubbing in Florida
... I got plastered (ripped, hammered... drunk)
... I threw up in a McDonald's parking lot
... I used an e-ticket - they're so convenient!
... I bought an umbrella to run across the street and realise the rain stopped
... We had Gray's Papaya hotdogs
... Veed and I got our belly's pierced
... We relaxed in the 'pretty part' of Central Park
... We had Chinese at midnight in New York
... We went clubbing in New York
... I broke my digi-cam's LCD screen
... We lost luggage on the way home

LOCATION CREDITS
* Venice Beach
* Hollywood Walk of Fame
* Santa Monica Pier/Beach

* Rutgers University, New Brunswick
* Garden State Plaza
* Times Square
* South Street Seaport, East River New York

* Margate, South Florida
* Pompano Beach
* Las Olas, Ft. Lauderdale Beach
* Iguana Bar, Ft. Lauderdale
* Miami SouthBeach
* Opium, Miami
* Mizner Park
* City Place, West Palm Beach

* Applebees, Benningtons, Int'l Buffet
* Menlo Park Mall, Woodbridge Mall, Jersey Gardens
* Greenwich Village
* Central Park
* Hop Kee, Chinatown New York
* Club Mission, New York

THE PLAYLIST
* Usher - Burn
* Usher - Confessions Pt I and II
* Alicia Keys ft. Usher - If I Ain't Got You
* Kevyn Little - Turn Me On
* Lloyd ft. Ashanti - Southside
* Jay-Z - Song Cry
* <forgot> - Dude

OBSERVATIONS
* The population is quite... rude
* I love when service staff say "You're Welcome"
* They mix v concentrated drinks
* The boys are much more forthcoming and sleazy
* Dancing = Grinding
* It's okay to wear almost clothes in the mall
* Miami people are very sexy

I miss the cousins.



... That's all I can think of right now. I'll add more as I think of them yes. Bye!

*editEXTRAedit*
Update on the luggage situation: Apparently, we're getting our box of pasalubong's this afternoon. Veed's suitcase is en route to Melbourne for some reason so we should get that some time later this week. Bye!

On the home stretch now...
 
Two and a half more days...
Flying out on Sunday arvo, touching down Tuesday morning...
 
I'm ready to go...
But I'm gonna miss it here hard...
*sigh*
 
Have fun this weekend kids!

I've NEVER been blind drunk...

Until last night...

They hurt ten times more here:
- It hits you harder,
- You remember less,
- It makes you sicker,
- The hangover kills,
- You feel dumber,
- It lasts longer,
- You regret it more...

I don't even know how I'm awake now... My head is still spinning... OUCH!

Lots and lots of water... bye.

Alisa reminded me that it's been a while since I blogged.
How long has it been? A week? Not so bad... that's my frequency even when I'm in Sydney sometimes.

Anyway, I'm having a terrific time here! Don't want to bore you all with the details but...
* I've probably gone to Garden State Plaza a kazillion times - this is apparently the biggest mall in... some geographical enclosure. I know the place almost inside out. I've spent so much money... It's so sad.

* I've done a looooot of bonding with the cousins. I say this all the time, but I hate that they're so far away - it really does make the time we have together pretty exciting.

* I spent my first afternoon in NJ (last Tuesday) at my cousin Jen's apartment by her college. We walked down "Frat Row" which is a street where all the Fraternities and Sorority houses are... it's SO like the movies! I even took a picture of a frat house... how loser!

* I watched Spiderman 2 at midnight on the 1st July with the cousins, pretty good movie - for what I saw. I fell a sleep some because my sleeping patterns are still a bit abnormal.

* Had dinner at a sushi place - y'know they don't put chicken in their sushi here? When Veed and I asked for Chicken Teriyaki sushi, my cousins looked at my VERY confused! Their sushi rolls are a little exciting... I didn't even know what was in them but they all tasted pretty awesome. When Jen joined us (she came from a late class), she ALMOST ate a roll we made which was stuffed with wasabi. That was pretty slack... but y'know.

* Spent some time with the grandparents... life's so lonely when you're old, I'm glad I got to stick around with them for a bit.

* Veed and I were let loose in New York City yesterday (4th July). Our uncle dropped us off and we wandered around a bit. We don't know where to go so we ended up walking some pretty ghetto streets before realising that the life of the city was in the totally opposite direction to where we were walking. We took some pictures at Times Square, roamed around looking like tourists with a video camera... and Veed picked up a guy at AT&T Wireless! She bought a new sim and he told her to make a test phone call... to his phone! So y'know... if we weren't punces... hehe. We took the A train downtown and found ourselves a nice seat facing the East River. We sat there for around 3 hours before the fireworks started. Ok, we're no American, but the energy, the life, the ambience of the place was exhilerating. The fireworks were amazing too! Hands down the best day of the trip so far!

* Forked out $US200 because the car I parked got towed (OUCH!). Yes, I've been driving! It was a bit awkward at first, but I've gotten so used to it... driving on their highways, on the opposite side of the road, toward the left side of the lane... it was tricky!

At the moment, it's almost 3am on Tuesday the 6th July. In just over 24 hours, Veed and I will be boarding a plane to Florida. We're going down with 3/4 of the cousins we have up here to explore the Florida summer. I LOVE SUMMER!

Anyway, we're hoping to check out the club scene in Miami, get crazy black... and crazy crunk! I'm so excited!

Sometimes I don't feel like I've left the country. Some kids have been e-mailing me over the past week, keeping me up to date with the goings on in Sydney. It's really nice because I felt so homesick at the beginning of this trip. The wonders of technology aye... I'm e-mailing like I'm sitting at my desk at work and they're somewhere nearby about to make lunch plans!

Oh and mad YEAH-HEYs to Minh and Nix who have scored jobs (for later and for now, respectively)!

Ok... love you all. See you soon...

Saturday 26th Jun
So I've been here for almost 2 days already. The flight was fine - I slept most of it so it didn't feel so "are we there yet?" as I thought.

I got to Los Angeles and it smelt like rain. I was a little disappointed because I was still recovering from my Aussie Winter cold, and I was expecting summer weather.

By yesterday afternoon, it was stinkin hot and summer was in the air! I went shopping at Northridge Mall (The 5 pairs of undies I bought made me regret bringing so many to begin with!) then had dinner at this salad type buffet called Souplantation. It was cool eating there because it was OK to eat as much as I wanted coz everything was pretty healthy.

Today, we spent the day at Venice Beach which is a city drive from where I'm staying. A little bit seaweed infested and shell infested... but a beach is a beach! We built a castle, dug a hole, went swimming and of course... TANNED! I'm a little half black now which I'm a bit excited about.

Saturday night for Veed and I is a bit quiet. We're just resting the day off because we're gonna have a big one tomorrow. Tell ya'll about it later.

OBSERVATIONS
* Californians talk really LOUD with very sharp accents
* I find it interesting how on my cousin's school calendar it has to say "Don't bring weapons to school"
* There are a lot of huge cars/trucks/4WDs here - really high off the ground too!
* I think the Hispanics are the Wog equivalents in LA

--

Monday 28th Jun
Yesterday was a little bit full-on:
* Walked down the Hollywood Walk of Fame for a while
* Tried our hardest to get pictures of street signs and the HOLLYWOOD sign
* Had lunch at Universal - @ some place called "Tommy's"
* Drove through Beverly Hills
* Walked around Santa Monica Beach

My calves this morning are a little bit sore from all the walking. But I was so taken aback at the ambiance of it all - it was worth it!

Tonight Veed and I are flying out (seperately) to the east coast where I believe we'll spend part of the day at my cousin's college. I wonder what that'll be like huh? So I believe that concludes the LA leg of my trip.

We're gonna re-pack now... coz we've managed to make a mess of everything we've brought and bought. Slates Gates.

What do you do when you've got an hour left to board with nothing to do?

Search for an e-lounge of course so you can blog the last "seeya later"s and "i'll miss you"s. Yes, yes. I'm a loser.

Last night my remaining two lifelines in Sydney came over to watch the last couple episodes of ALIAS with me because I wasn't gonna get to see them next week. Nix hung around and helped me pack - didn't know it was such an anxiety filled task. I was lying in bed last night partly because I couldn't sleep, but mostly because I didn't know whether I had everything I needed.

I didn't have much sleep coz I was out at around 10 to 6 this morning so I'm really sleepy at the moment.

I managed to miss out on an aisle/window seat... but I was lucky enough to get a seat smack BANG in the middle of the row... in the first row. So that's not too bad. It just means I have some extra leg room and I'll probably be blinded by the big screen in front of me.

I'm satisfied that I got to speak to (or will speak to) the seven wonders of my world before I leave... take care of yourselves you guys... I'll miss you lots.

... and to the rest of you, contrary to what you think, I will miss you guys while I'm over in the US. HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY MINDY (for Monday).

Make sure you guys e-mail me and let me know what's happening in Sydney while I'm gone... get me on my it e-mail nredobla@it.uts.edu.au.

Apart from that... I'm over and out. See ya'll!
(Only 1 out of 3 computers at the e-lounge station is working... so I better go)

The past 2 days...
- I was told that "getting overly excited" is my thing
- I've been slaving away at the books, trying to get as much information into my head as possible
- I've managed to sleep on my notes a few times because I have such a short attention span
- I've made 2 trips to UWS Parra Campus to study to the extremely loud "hum" of the airconditioner (heater... whatever)
- I found out I can't donate blood because I'm sick and I've been taking cold & flu tablets
- I drowned my blood donation rejection sorrows by having lunch with the girls plus Mamo and Lowl
- I carried Qpac around like my boyfriend
- I finished up all but one draft page on my FIT printing quota
- I organised all my contacts on the Sony Ericsson my mum bought me so she can call me in the US
- I watched ALIAS with ALISA and almost cried watching the preview for next week; hence decided that I'm not watching ALIAS on the plane... I'm watching it Thursday night. Alisa's coming over, anyone else wanna watch me pack?
- I procrastinated like an itch
- I drank 2 coffees in 12 hours
- I put phonecalls before studying
- I'm sporting two phones now => Voda + Optus, so you guys don't have to dog me just coz I was just on Optus
- I got my first credit card

The next 2 days...
- I've gotta do 2 exams, then celebrate alone... haha
- All the information that was deposited into my head will depart
- I'll be packing for my US trip
- I'll watch the season 3 final of ALIAS

... that's all I can think of. There's tonnes more though I believe, I just can't think right now. Okay bye!

i NEED you

Okay, so I've blogged many times about needing certain things in your life, whether we need certain people in our lives - so today I'm switching it up a bit...

Is feeling needed a need in itself?

Weird huh?

I'll give you an example. At work right, there are times when I'm relatively idle and I start wondering whether they really need me there. Like, the world isn't going to end if I'm not there right? That makes me dispensable - maybe good to have, but not tragic to be without y'know? Ok, so I've been there for about 6 months and I realistically can't be more important than people that have been there for ten or fifteen years... but you get me...

Then you think about your other relationships...

Is it not true that we attend to those friends who need us more than to the ones that can manage on their own?
... then, is it possible that we continue to want to feel needed as much as possible? Is it part of our fear of feeling replaceable in the relationship? Do we then do everything in our power to keep close to the people that depend on us, that need us partly because the feeling of being needed comforts us? It's like it gives us some sort of reassurance that that person could never "leave" us because they need us...

Hmmm... just something to think about. I haven't made any conclusions because everyone's different. This is just what I've picked up through observation, through experience. My reasoning might be incorrect but it's how my head explains things to me...

--

And just to close up the little discussion from two posts ago...

There are things I'm going to regret not doing, sure. But I'm a strong believer that things that should happen, will happen in time. Sounds a bit na?ve, I know. I guess if you've seen the kind of pain people who were "sure" and had their hearts broken have to go through - and if you've been through it to a degree yourself - enough fear is instilled within you to take the defensive road. It's not enough justification, I know. But it's the road I choose to take.

--

What.. up...
* I'm going to the US on Friday - WOO HOO! Y'know what that means... it means, if you want something, you gotta tell me what you want and all soon so I can have some sort of direction while I'm shopping. ALSO, so very importantly, I need some songs to burn onto my MD before I go overseas so I can listen to them on my solo trip to LA. I'm gonna be so bored! Mindy said she'd lend me the last couple ALIAS episodes coz I'll be missing them while I'm over there so I'm bringing Qpac to watch them on. Other than that... PLEASE RECOMMEND SOME GOOD PLANE SONGS so I don't get so bored.

* Friday night was my last night of work, so I stayed back a bit to finish some things I had to do before I left. I had din din with my mum, Veed and the KJ at Sheraton on the Park - so nice so nice! Too bad I wasn't super hungry. I woulda eaten more if I cut back on the lunch earlier in the day aye.

* Last night, Veed and I had a bunch of friends over for a desbidida before we go overseas. Veed's friends rocked up at 7pm-FiloTime (i.e. 8-ish); my friends ended up rocking up at 7pm-SuperFiloTime (i.e. 9-ish). Alisa brought her new Magic Sing chip so we went nuts on songs we don't usually sing, which was real fun. I had a wonderful time last night. It was one of those nights that make me want to stay in Sydney because I'm gonna miss these kids the most while I'm overseas. So much changes in a month aye. But nevertheless, I'm looking forward to seeing the US family bad!

* Minh was a no-show last night. But that's coz she's sick like a dog... there's something going around for sure. I think I'm getting it too. Last night I started feeling all cough-y and sore throat-y... and today I'm a bit runny in the nose. Needless to say, being sick is not something I want right now. So get better Minh... and all the other sick people okay?

* That's all... bye.

Might be stepping on what Mindy wrote... but anyway...

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is crazy talented!

How many people do you know that can sing, dance, beat box, play keyboard, play the guitar, look crazy fine, and make you want them every which way possible ;)?

The concert itself was quite good after the string of ballads he did. But I've decided that I probably won't go to a concert with unreserved seating ever again! Seriously. The $132 I paid for that concert barely covered his 2 hour performance and the 70c covered Christian Alexander's performance - slack huh... ok I'll give him the booking fee too. But the concert experience loses points for:
* The 4 hour wait in the cold
* The obsessed fans pushing the life out of me
* The girl that was leaning on my arm so bad I swear she could have broken it
* The fact that I didn't walk into the Horden Pavillion - I was dragged into it
* The lack of hydration - somehow the kids in the front row deserved drinks more than the claustrophobic a few rows back
* How Justin spent about 40% of the concert standing behind a microphone
* The lack of air
* The screaming and exessive swearing of girls who didn't get as close as they wanted
* Having to see so much leg in such cold weather

Crazy points for:
* Seeing Cameron Diaz on the side watching her man, singing and dancing to his songs
* JUSTIN'S HOTNESS

... so you guys decide how good it was.

On another note, I had a pretty good d&m with the Mew tonight. Seriously, I don't think I've talked like that with her for months! It was nice. That's all. Goodbye.

thankful.

Let's try this again...

I'm thankful because I know that, if I really set my mind to it, I can achieve what I need to achieve by the end of the day. Last night, I was so set on just complaining about what I can't change that I made no progress on the report. But it can be done. Even if it isn't super complete, or super perfect - what's gonna matter is that we did the best we could in the time we set ourselves.

I'm thankful because I still have two legs that can get me from here to there. Even if it gets me there a little slower than usual, I at least have the option to get there at my own discretion. I'm also thankful that this injury isn't even that serious and it'll be gone in a week and I'll be fine again.

I'm thankful because I have friends that are there for me regardless. That these people I hold close, stay close... and they're who really matter. I had a talk with a couple of people last night. They reminded me that, in the bigger scheme of things, what I worry about is insignificant. They reminded me that I am a tad too emotional about things after I've psycho-analysed and over-analysed them, drawing my own conclusions that just upset me. THEN, indirectly, they reminded me that there are people that really care - I'm just so consumed in my issues with the people that don't seem to to see that. Holler, you two. You guys rock my world :)... really.

--

Add to that the mini-discussion I had with each of them about... ok.

Have you ever wanted something so much that you didn't?

...or rather, have you ever wanted someone so much, someone that you think could make you really happy, that you were scared of ever getting them because the mere thought of losing them terrified you? So scared that you're almost glad you don't have them? See, coz I have that... and as much as having him could be amazing, having him means keeping him... which might be a challenge in itself. So I'm fine w/out him now. Excuse the crypticness... if you know, you know. If you don't, don't get your panties in a knot trying to figure it out.

Okay... gonna start using this new found mojo I have. Positive Energy really works! Bye.

tired.

I'm mentally tired because I don't know what to do for the Accounting Report we have due on Tuesday. I don't know how to decide how to do this without a set criteria. I don't know where to start without knowing where to go. I don't know what the best way of going about this is either because we've received zero guidance. I can't really complain though. It's our choice it's been left till this late. So I'll deal... and we'll deal.

I'm physically tired because it's almost my bedtime. Add to that the pain in my left knee after it gave while I was playing ball today. Add to THAT my tired right leg - so tired I don't feel like getting up and walking tonight. But I'll deal.

I'm emotionally tired because I let what I feel affect the way I think. I never imagined that not caring would be so hard. I'm sorry. I just don't let go of things that I once believed where important to me that easily. But I'll deal.

... because if I don't, I allow myself to be consumed by all of this, and frankly, that's NOT what I want.
I've decided to hate. Not because I do, but because I think it'll work.

".. whether or not we THINK we're on the controlling end of a situation, we're the ones who get hurt in the end. That's so messed up. I hate it. I really really do."

I was thinking about why people get hurt. I think that perhaps, to a degree, we let ourselves get hurt. In the many situations I've seen recently, I've seen people get hurt because, at some stage, they let themselves go. A wall comes down. A wall that exposes their inner most being. A wall that kept them from being vulnerable.

Once that wall comes down, it's a long and difficult process to build it back up. The person that made you feel like you'd be safe bringing the wall down is the same person that made you remember how important it is to keep the wall up. Then they change. Well, they don't really change - they return to the person you knew they had in them but were too naïve to see through the lies.

You don't believe they could ever really hurt you; but then you're not suprised when they do...

How do you go back to a time when you felt invincible?

I'd be leaving to play bball right now but I just ate... gotta respect the one hour rule... plus I'll probably throw up if I start playing right now...

Anyway... last night was AWESOME! I'm thinking about it now, and about what I briefly wrote about in my last post - how, it's really the PEOPLE that you're with that make an experience fun. Like, no offence to anyone that organised Studio@INNC, but I wouldn't say the party went off or anything... it probably wasn't the best 'clubbing experience' I've had, but I was in the best company and that's what made the night awesome!

I'm so happy that my seester is happy. She's wanted to meet Levi for aaages! You should see the smile she had on her face when he kissed her hello - priceless! Can't blame her though - you shoulda seen how teenybopper Lil and I were when we saw him!

Ace had the only good set. The guy that DJ'd next was okay but I think the songs he played attracted too many booty shaking fellas... either that or all the girls were all danced out.

Anyways, as much as I'd love to recount the whole night (read the sarcasm...), I've got some sitting around to do.

I'll probably post the pictures up later today... plus some because I haven't put pics up since January! Laters.

*editEXTRAedit*
Ok... I know why I haven't put that many pics up - coz not much has happened in terms of picture taking since January. I just put some up from Al's, Fay's and Trinh's... Enjoy!

PS. Mindy's the cutest when she's drunk! I've got this pic, which I didn't post, where you can tell she's a little trashed... hehe that's all.

FLASHBACK: May 3rd 2003

have you all seen the video clip of foolish by ashanti? i think it's soooo sad at the end when she's leaving and sees him at the door and drops her bags. i felt her pain. and i hate that i know that's what i'm like. i'm so pathetic.

--

Do you remember that song? The words are echoing ever so loudly in my head right now. I remember back then when, no matter how unhappy I was with him, no matter how badly I knew the relationship wasn't good for me, no matter how hurtful his actions were... I went back. I was convinced that the "good" aspects of the relationship were enough to keep me there. I was convinced that they were going to hold us together. Even if the good times made me happy - it was a temporary happiness that was always cut short by the inherent problems in our relationship.

I think that's one of the most difficult thing I ever had to go through. Walking away from something that wasn't good for me most of the time even though it made me happy some of the time. Comes back to my theory about the power of hope - but you've heard enough about that from me.

So I stop and think that maybe, you could learn to appreciate me. Then it all remains the same that you ain't ever gonna change...

The ideal part of me wants so much to believe in change.

*phew* Enough reminiscing...

Something else that's on my mind... what makes an experience enjoyable? Is it where you are and what you do? or is it more who you're with?

I definately think it's the latter... maybe. I'm still contemplating the whole thing in my head actually.

A whole heap of wine, 3 cute guys, a $114 cab ride home, an unproductive day at work, half a giant sandwich, 8 bottles of Archers, 20 bottles of Tooheys New (the 250ml stubbies hehe), 1 bottle of Midori, Some Bailey's, X Karaoke songs and a lazy day's sleep later...

It's been a long last 2 days. That's it. I was tossing up taking down the laundry and blogging - you know which one won :).

Where do I start?

The last week has been a bit of a rush. Lots happening, a bit of PMS, a bit of IMS (irritable male syndrome - in your face boys!) and just good ol' QT with the wonderful people I call my friends.

SUNDAY/MONDAY - I spent mostly doing church stuff. Had a talk to my spiritual director and sorted a few things out about myself...
Monday arvo/night I went to uni for SEF. But I guess you don't really need to know all the boring details about that. A bit funky but y'know...

TUESDAY - My cousins (Paolo and Martin) came back from QLD where they had been with my Tita and my mum. They're so adorable. OOH. Before I forget, here's some conversation I had with Martin:

NEL: What bad guys did Batman have to fight?
MARTIN: The Joker and Mr. Freeze! (not sure about the last one...)
N: Oh why? What did they do?
M: Mr. Freeze FREEZES everything!!!!!
N: Oh really? And what does the Joker do?
M: (thinks for a bit) He tells jokes!
N: But I like jokes? Why does Batman not like jokes?
M: Jokes aren't good!!
N: Yes they are, they're funny!
M: No... (points) Look! There's a monster!... Jokes Lang! See? Was that funny?
N: Noooo... Scary jokes aren't funny! I like funny jokes!
M: (thinks for a bit, then points) Look! There's a clown! HAHA... Jokes Lang!

I couldn't stop laughing! That's it. Anyway, Tin and Paolo are the cutest cousins EVER! Tin has this huge belly that you could probably sleep peacefully on forever - and Pao is so intelligent... he probably knows everything about all the racing cars in the world... plus some! They left this morning, that was a bit sad...

THURSDAY - I just went into uni for PMQA. We got our assignment back... Dave and I were both pretty excited coz we 86'd it. Wonderful.
After class I parked the car near work (how expensive is parking in the city??) then went into work for 3 hours hehe. Half of that time was spent at a birthday thing and a meeting so it went pretty fast.
Nat and I jetted around 5.45 for the Macquarie ASM. It was pretty fantastic. Real exciting... met lots of new people, had a lot of free food and wine, danced on a podium, fell in love 3 times... awesome night! Nat and I picked Minh up from Pavillion and took advantage of the cabcharge I had to get us all home.

FRIDAY - was another lazy day. I was a little bit buggered from the night before and that contributed to the day's low productivity. Highlight of my work day was probably lunching with M&M and Nat at the giant sandwich place. Can't get enough!
M&M and I left work early to go to uni for class... the night's AFI presentation was a little dry. But y'know...
After class, the AFI filos (minus Jos) and Minh (hehe) plus Mel trekked it to my house where we were having despidida for my cousins and my Tita. It was a pretty good night... lots of talking, food, karaoke and alcohol. The LL's followed shortly after and a little later that night Minh's boyfriend and his friend dropped in too. Got a little tipsy plus some so everyone had a pretty good time. Kudos to Bjorn, Dave and Nix for helping me clean the place up before they left :)

SATURDAY - has been tres lazy. That's all I have to say about it - really. Something I liked too was that a few things were sorted out here and there... so, happy!

Ok... so onto the laundry! Laters.

Weakness.

I have many. Let me share some with you...

* I'm an idealist - so I've been told recently. I used to think that this was an okay quality to have but when you're an idealist, nothing is "right" unless it's "ideal". What I've learnt recently is that something that seems "ideal" isn't always "right"...
* I'm a perfectionist. I have expectations of myself, and of people that I work with to produce what may sometimes be an unrealisticly perfect solution/assignment. Very high expectations. I want everything to be of the standard that I expect it be. Although it may imply that I'm ambitious or whatever, it also means that I might tend to push people beyond their limits. Being a perfectionist comes with stress. I blame the stress I experience on my need for perfection everywhere around me.
* I'm too careful. This means I don't take risks often. I'm not assertive when I need to be. I hold back because I don't like conflict.
* I'm terrified of change - mainly because I think changing is a weakness in itself. You know when people tell you to "never change for anyone"? I take that seriously and I think that any change in myself is a change for someone. I'm terrified of the unknown consequences of change - whether it be a change in lifestyle, friendships, or attitudes.

There you go. A little insight into me.

Something else I was thinking about. What matters more? Your external persona - or what you really are on the inside? I used to think it was one's inner strength, but recently I've begun to believe that it's the way you deal with your internal sufferings externally that matters. That's what people see. That's what people judge you on. People respect those who are outwardly strong. How many people look up to those who break-down in public over something they can't manage on their own?

I might be strong 95% of the time... but it just takes that 5% for a person's reliance on my strength to falter.

It's with a lot of things really. Sometimes, a beautiful face with one tiny flaw can cause people to see that face as something ugly. Sometimes, someone intelligent saying "I don't know" could make that person 'not so intelligent'. Often it's a good person's one mistake that causes people to turn away from them and brand them 'imperfect' and not 'normal' or 'human'.

One more thing. Something Mel blogged about in her last blog. About how "the people [or person] that can make you feel better [or happy] the best are the people who can also hurt you the most". Made me think a little. About the power that the person who can invoke these fragile emotions from someone has.

It's like when I used to tell Alisa that she had the power to destroy me because of everything she knew about me. I'm just eternally grateful that the people I choose to really trust choose to look past my faults and encourage me to press on.

A smile... can say more than just "you just made me happy". A smile, a thank you, a "you've really made my day" could just as much mean "you can really hurt me" or "please be careful with my trust".

Just to end my looooooooong reflection of crap, something the priest said in his sermon today. Has anyone come up to you and told you that they're praying for you? It's happened to me before... and let me tell you - it's the biggest injection of encouragement. That tells me that that person really cares for me. Cares for more than just me, but for my soul as well.

Oh gosh. Sorry for that. I get emotional sometimes. Bye!

*editEXTRAedit*
Like you're not sick of me already. But I was just taking down laundry from the line. I started thinking about the fights me and Veed have sometimes. Dialogue that goes between the two of us often goes along the lines of:
SISTER 1: Because you made me feel like...
SISTER 2: I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but I didn't intend for you to feel like that
SISTER 1: So you need to be mindful of what you do and think about how it makes people feel...

(today, fyi, I was SISTER 1... but usually I'm SISTER 2)

So anyway, I was thinking about the little riff Veed and I had today... and it's amazing how things that you do affect people in ways you never imagined. I've been the affector (or? or er?)... but I've also been the affected. Doesn't feel good. Surely everyone's been in both these positions - maybe you don't know you've been the affector, but how could you know right? Yes so... I just think that's interesting. Bye.

motown. - req by llewol

So when I think about Motown, seriously, all I think about is Boyz II Men. Because I think I ventured out into the music world late enough to have missed everything that came before them. Plus it reminds me of Motownphilly (I can't type Motown first go without typing Mow\btown) - which reminds me of my first concert ever.

Y'know when I went to the Boyz II Men concert back in ninety-fow (10 YEARS AGO - gosh) all I knew about the group was everything from End of the Road to II. Wasn't that much of a diehard fan I must say. But I remember being at the concert and them getting us to sing that bit in Motownphilly with them and I thought it was the coolest, most creative thing I've ever heard.

Oh yeh and I also remember that Superbowl a few years back when the half-time show was all Motown "Every guy, grab a girl... everywhere arooound the world!" VERY COOL.

So my first concert was a Boyz II Men concert...

The next one I went to was... neXt - which was crazy fun because RL blew us a kiss!
Then... many years later, but only four months ago - Australian Idol! Probably the best concert ever because I was with the most diehard Australian Idol fans I knew...
AND... in around 3 weeks or so... Justin Timberlake! I can't wait man!

Nothing much has happened the past week...

Oh... my cousins and my Tita came to Sydney from the Phils on Wednesday. The boys are soooo cute! When they got to my house, it was like having little people running around again. It hasn't felt like that since Cheska and Jon were here last Winter.

AND... when I watched them (coz they're so fun to just watch) playing at Parra on Thursday, Nix and I started getting all maternal again. We were thinking about how beautiful it would be to have kids of our own. We also started thinking about how devastating it'd be to not be able to do so - if we never get married, or if we're infertile. My gosh - my heart would break.

What else? Oh yeh, I had lunch at some Jap place with Mel and her CBA/ex-CBA friends on Friday. That teriyaki chicken was fantastic!

Then there was last night's AFI presso at uni... followed by a bit of group talkage outside Bldg 10. I miss that crap.

TONIGHT'S PLAN: Get started on my 0% progress SEF assignment.

Peace out... A-Town. Motown. Goodnight.

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.
I believe in love even when I cannot feel it.
I believe in God even when he is silent.
-- Written on the wall of a Nazi concentration camp

That's faith.

Anyway... Kimmy just called to tell me that the sunnies that Veed gave me for Christmas and that I lost 5 days later are with her. Bianca or Llena must've kept it or something coz it's been with them for months!! I'm so happy!

Last night... We infiltrated TROY - and what a challenge that was! Nix drove us up to Broadway first coz that was the initial plan - FIVE SESSIONS FULL! Unfortunately, Mamo and Grace couldn't stay if we went elsewhere so they skipped of. Next stop: Burwood - TWO SESSIONS FULL! That place was packed too! Geez... how popular does this movie need to be? Anyway, we met up with Minh and Will at Reading where we just missed he 9.15pm session but we got tix for the 10.30pm coz we weren't gonna go home after all that running around to watch the movie!

We had a bit of time to burn so we had a tres healthy dinner at Macca's. Nix bumped into some old Santa girls... and as we were waiting for the movie to start, we saw a bunch of uni kids come in too.

Was it worth it? Eh. Probably - the movie was good no doubt. But Nix and I were teasing everything from Paris' punciness to Hector's son's extraordinarily oversized head (gives Lish's head competition! LOL j/k) so on our way home, we weren't sure if we actually liked any of the characters...

Got home, phoned it, slept. The End.

Usher - That's what it's made for
Usher - Simple Things
Christina Milian - Down For You

pa.2 of THIS post's edit...
Good writing Nix. Seriously. I dug around for that a bit coz I was thinking about it some today.

I may be a Perceiver - but I know how to commit to my friends. It's amazing how many posts on so many people's blogs these days are about their friendships and how valuable they are to them. It makes you wonder WHY people need to emphasise the importance of friendship when it should be common knowledge already.

Anyway... rundown:
- The BIT babies + some compscis graduated on Wednesday! Emm-Enn-Emm (hehe) JI'd on it for a bit. I skipped my Sysprog lecture to have lunch with them down at the Rocks. My braces went green after lunch! Ew.
- Had to get home Wednesday arvo coz I had to finish of my PMQA assignment. We went for a whole 12 hours that night. Suffice to say, I was DEAD afterwards. After about 3 hours of sleep, I got back up to tie a few loose ends up with the assignment. We handed the assignment in on Thursday... then I went home and crashed all night.
- Law & Order : SVU is pretty cool.
- T'was good to be at work on Friday.
- Got my sysprog assignment results back yesterday. Pretty good for a two-nighter, late night job.
- Pretty entertaining AFI Presentation last night.
- Lowell was frunk last night... that's a funny sight.
- I slept for 12 hours last night. SWEEEEEET!
- I'm going to watch TROY soon. So I better shiiznower now.

Peace.

Ok, I'm not generally a sad person (at least, I'd like to believe that) but I just need to say this straight out because it's kinda been eating at me for a while.

I think it was Cruz's birthday earlier this year when I asked it first. I asked the girls what was so special and so extraordinary about having a boyfriend. They attempted to answer my question, but being Ms. I-don't-NEED-a-boyfriend, I brushed each off as something that's not really a necessity.

Today, after a looooot of thinking, I came to the conclusion that I'd LOVE to be somebody's somebody...
...I'd love to be the first person on someone's mind when they wake up in the morning
...I'd love to feel like I complete someone's life
...I'd love to have someone making sure I'm okay all the time
...I'd love to have someone wondering what I'm doing
...I'd love to fall in love

This is so not me. I don't know why I want this all of a sudden. But I suppose, when you realise that you're always going to be second or third in other peoples' lives - you get a little selfish and want someone for yourself.

As much as I don't think I deserve it... I wish I could have it. Someday, one day... maybe.

This isn't to say that I want just ANYBODY. There's a HUGE difference between being anybody's somebody and being somebody's somebody. Don't you think?

I wonder whether I'm lucky enough to have experienced something like that temporarily. Maybe it's made me worse off - because you can't really want something you've never experienced at all.

Oh well. Back to reality. It's not my will, it's His - and there really isn't anything more you could want if it's His will, right?

Laters.