Sunday, March 12, 2006

"you'll be fine"

... is what I'm hearing a lot of lately. But no matter how many times I hear it, the apprehension that I've been feeling takes over.

I've taken a new role in another team within the bank. It was a pretty fast process. One week I was talking to a workmate about opportunities in her division and four weeks later I've interviewed, waited, been confused, been pulled around, made a decision, dropped it on my team, handed over in a rush and taken time off. While it was all happening time felt like it was snailing along. Now, I look at tomorrow and see the manifestation of everything that's happened in the last four weeks and I wonder where the time's all gone...

... and I'm scared. It's a fear I'm sure will be replaced by the excitement of being in a new team, meeting new people and taking on new challenges. It's a funny fear... and I like it.

The last four days have been quite refreshing... will probably be the last break I get till Easter. The first thing I'm gonna do is have yumcha. Loads and loads of yumcha. Who's coming? I miss Asian food. I gave it up for Lent this year. It's tough. Really tough.

One last thing before I sign out: I love my friends. I don't say it enough. I probably don't show it enough either. My house drawing analysis (courtesy of the girls) says I'm 'closed off' and make it 'difficult' for people to get close to me. But I know that when I do let that handful of people into here *points to heart* , the thought that I'd ever really permanently drift away from them terrifies me. So I just wanted them to know that I do love them - I just suffer from an abnormal complex that prevents me from showing it in a non-retarded way.

Ok that's all. Check ya'll later.

PS. I watched Walk the Line last night. That was a nice movie :)

Saturday, March 04, 2006

[re]actions speak louder than words

When I'm stuck on a trivial choice, flipping a coin and going with what it says generally works.

This, however, isn't a trivial choice... it's my career.

This is how he suggested I decide:

"Take a coin, call it, flip it and see what you get. Then read your reaction. It'll tell you what you really want. If you're disappointed with the outcome, you know you want the other option."

I didn't have to flip the coin to know which outcome would disappoint me. I already felt it.

Here goes...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

make the choice for me

I've never been great with making decisions. The process of making plans is filled with "it's up to you", "I really don't mind...", "I'm fine either way" and "we'll just see what happens". It's difficult because whether I intend it or not, the decisions I make affect people.

"I'm fine either way" translates to a lack of enthusiasm and detatchment from the subject when sometimes it simply means I genuinely prefer to do what the majority will enjoy.

"We'll just see what happens" immediately translates to "I don't wanna go" even though I'm just excited about doing something spontaneous and unplanned.

... most of the time, I just want decisions made for me so I don't have to consider alternatives and try to be accommodating. I just want to go where the stream of life takes me. When there's a fork in the stream, I want to be forced into the right direction - the direction I'm supposed to go.

It was easier yesterday. The decision was much easier yesterday. I knew where I wanted to go because there was close to nothing pulling me the other way. I wouldn't go the other way unless someone closed off the entry to the path I wanted to go. I was just waiting for someone to tell me my fate.

Now all of a sudden, I'm not so sure. I look the other way and I see potential; I see opportunity and I wonder whether I should give the opportunities a chance, or continue in the direction I was going; in a direction that's not certain.

I don't know what I want now. I don't have a crystal ball that's gonna tell me which choice will make me happier in the long run. There's a chance I'll have options. There's a chance I'll have to make a decision. I'm just scared I'll make the wrong one...