firsts

For some people, it's the first smile
... the first glance
... others, the first kiss
... the first time he held their hand
... the first embrace
... or even the first time they made love

I remember it like it was yesterday.

For me, it was the first time he opened the door to get out of the car, turned around, and kissed me goodbye.

Fight or Flight ?

Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive. Family . . . Love . . . Sex. But we only need one thing . . . To actually be alive. We need a beating heart. When our heart is threatened . . . we respond in one of two ways. We either run or . . . we attack. There's a scientific term for this: Fight . . . or flight. It's instinct . . . We can't control it. Or can we?

Ever since I watched that episode of Grey's Anatomy (best show EVER!) I've gone back and forth on what my attitude is when my heart is threatened. I decided that, obviously, it depends on the threat level - what's at stake.

Instinctively, I think I'm a fighter. I remember a couple of years back - all the forces against me, all the shaking heads... all the signs telling me to get the hell out and flee. Looking back, I really don't think I could be happy right now had I fleed. Sure, I told myself countless (countless) times to turn away and run but my heart, the very thing I should have fleed to protect, wouldn't let me.

I couldn't not be a fighter. I don't want to be that person who turns a blind eye to obvious problems, the fool that forever hopes that it'll all be okay if I gave it time, the person who runs away from relationships because the slightest chance that my heart's going to suffer - the closer I get - scares me.

I want to know I've done all I can, even though my heart is at risk of getting battered even more. Fighting means there's a chance I'll lose.

I'm an optimist.

I focus on the potential gain... whether it be a broken heart that knows the truth, or ...... more, much more.

In some situations though, I have to flee... I have to be ignorant. Ironically, flight is often part of the fighting strategy.

from the top shelf - from a long time ago

Ok. I have a problem L and Y were on 3-way and I was just talking to Y. He mad up this sh_t about L being in the States. Then he said, "Since L's in the states, do you wanna go out?" I was so shocked! I turned him down and then when I was only talking to L, HE asked me out. I couldn't say anything coz I was all scared. But Y was just playin' with my head. They got our letter

It started here, and ends now. I can only really blame myself for what's happened. I knew it was wrong well before it ever started but one idea of someone actulaly giving me THAT kind of attention excited me and it just felt good. Now it feels cr_p. I didn't have to go tonight, I knew that. I'm still trying to work out why I went. I can't just say I felt pressured because saying 'no' was always an option. But something devlish made that impossible. I felt the consequences of falling into temptation. I felt like I've lost part of my dignity because I let another boy control my feelings. Tonight the bubble popped. Hopefully I can control myself, fight my weaknesses because I owe it to myself to be happy. Part of me is happy that tonight happened because now I can start gaining control of my feelings and I can come down from the artificial high cloud of "happiness"... I guess we'll always have C L

I wanted so much to speak to you last night and I admit I was wondering what was going on, but the missed call made waking up so easy. I don't want a lot to change too fast. I don't think either of us is ready for that. I just hope that things work out the way they're supposed to - whatever the outcome may be

My computer broke down last night. Well, I stuffed it up. During the long wait for the the OS to be checked and for files to copy and install, I managed to find old journals, old uni diaries, random notebooks hiding the thoughts I never wanted to share.

I don't blog nearly as much as I wish I could these days. Sometimes I wonder whether I should be writing more stuff down. Reading back on things that made me stress out, smile, laugh and cry remind me of where I've come from, what I've experienced and the lessons I've learnt... or tried to teach myself.

Maybe I should start again...

In other news...
My Uncle Joel's going to be a Daddy. I'm so excited!

i'm probably more of a chicken masala

Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It's— like—
House: Really good drugs?
Stacy: No, it's like— vindaloo curry.
House: Ok, sure—
Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chilli peppers.
House: I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine but no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time but you wake up one day and you think... god I really miss curry. You're a jerk.

just as i thought...

You're Ginnie! You're a perfectionist, driven for success in all you do. You're not satisfied with being less than great at anything you do. Family and love is equally important to you, of course.
Take this quiz!

the argument for idealists

Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life

-- John F. Kennedy

Let me tell you something true...

<deleted>

... it actually hurt more than I thought it would to write that.

they tell me not to complain

... but there's NO freaking way I'm treated the same as my younger sister - NO FREAKING WAY!

Apparently, I am going to curse this house. This is what he thinks of me - I'm a curse. That's nice to know. Then he wonders why I don't even bother to try to get along with him sometimes. I'm so over it.

Judge me all you want. Just don't blame me if I start to hate you.

SEEYA!

"you'll be fine"

... is what I'm hearing a lot of lately. But no matter how many times I hear it, the apprehension that I've been feeling takes over.

I've taken a new role in another team within the bank. It was a pretty fast process. One week I was talking to a workmate about opportunities in her division and four weeks later I've interviewed, waited, been confused, been pulled around, made a decision, dropped it on my team, handed over in a rush and taken time off. While it was all happening time felt like it was snailing along. Now, I look at tomorrow and see the manifestation of everything that's happened in the last four weeks and I wonder where the time's all gone...

... and I'm scared. It's a fear I'm sure will be replaced by the excitement of being in a new team, meeting new people and taking on new challenges. It's a funny fear... and I like it.

The last four days have been quite refreshing... will probably be the last break I get till Easter. The first thing I'm gonna do is have yumcha. Loads and loads of yumcha. Who's coming? I miss Asian food. I gave it up for Lent this year. It's tough. Really tough.

One last thing before I sign out: I love my friends. I don't say it enough. I probably don't show it enough either. My house drawing analysis (courtesy of the girls) says I'm 'closed off' and make it 'difficult' for people to get close to me. But I know that when I do let that handful of people into here *points to heart* , the thought that I'd ever really permanently drift away from them terrifies me. So I just wanted them to know that I do love them - I just suffer from an abnormal complex that prevents me from showing it in a non-retarded way.

Ok that's all. Check ya'll later.

PS. I watched Walk the Line last night. That was a nice movie :)

[re]actions speak louder than words

When I'm stuck on a trivial choice, flipping a coin and going with what it says generally works.

This, however, isn't a trivial choice... it's my career.

This is how he suggested I decide:

"Take a coin, call it, flip it and see what you get. Then read your reaction. It'll tell you what you really want. If you're disappointed with the outcome, you know you want the other option."

I didn't have to flip the coin to know which outcome would disappoint me. I already felt it.

Here goes...

make the choice for me

I've never been great with making decisions. The process of making plans is filled with "it's up to you", "I really don't mind...", "I'm fine either way" and "we'll just see what happens". It's difficult because whether I intend it or not, the decisions I make affect people.

"I'm fine either way" translates to a lack of enthusiasm and detatchment from the subject when sometimes it simply means I genuinely prefer to do what the majority will enjoy.

"We'll just see what happens" immediately translates to "I don't wanna go" even though I'm just excited about doing something spontaneous and unplanned.

... most of the time, I just want decisions made for me so I don't have to consider alternatives and try to be accommodating. I just want to go where the stream of life takes me. When there's a fork in the stream, I want to be forced into the right direction - the direction I'm supposed to go.

It was easier yesterday. The decision was much easier yesterday. I knew where I wanted to go because there was close to nothing pulling me the other way. I wouldn't go the other way unless someone closed off the entry to the path I wanted to go. I was just waiting for someone to tell me my fate.

Now all of a sudden, I'm not so sure. I look the other way and I see potential; I see opportunity and I wonder whether I should give the opportunities a chance, or continue in the direction I was going; in a direction that's not certain.

I don't know what I want now. I don't have a crystal ball that's gonna tell me which choice will make me happier in the long run. There's a chance I'll have options. There's a chance I'll have to make a decision. I'm just scared I'll make the wrong one...

no words

I just had the most wonderful night with my cousins (+ the 2 boyfriends)...



... that's what I'm really gonna miss.

my girl... my angel

How do I write about how a girl that looked up to me became the only person I am truly obedient to?
How do I write about the most beautiful, most mature, most kind-hearted person in my life?
How do I write about the annoying little girl that followed me around, copied everything I did but has now become the kind of woman I, myself, am supposed to strive to be?

She's radical. When you tell people what she - and all of us - believes is her life's calling, they're stunned. They're astonished at her committment, her determination, her perseverence in the midst of so much discouragement from people around her and the struggles she faced within her own heart. How can you not be?

She did this because she was pure. Her heart held the purest of intentions. She fell in love. A true love, a pure love, a love that can only come from Jesus Christ - perseverence till the end.

Noone expected her to have to leave us so soon. The reality of it hasn't hit me yet and I sometimes wonder whether she really will be gone in 3 weeks. The only thing that's keeping me from letting the sadness of her hardly being around overwhelm me is an image of her in my mind, during the Adore06 masses, singing in Latin, with a smile of undoubtable joy towards her service to God. She glows, she truly glows.

He made the choice for her. Once she realised it, she spent all of two years saying 'yes, here I am, take me' with her life, her actions and everything she did.

You're a true inspiration, Kristela. I admire your strength, your tenacity and your faith. You bring joy to all of us and I truly believe you'll shine in your chosen vocation. There are no words. You'll always be in my heart and in my prayers. I love you.

PS. Seeya on the flipside my love.

what a beautiful story

I just finished reading Memoirs of a Geisha. What an extraordinary story. I read the last couple of chapters on the way home this evening and felt a sense of peace as I closed the book after the last sentence.

That book definately tugged on some heart strings, let me tell you.

Today was the end of my two day working week coz I'll be off to Brisbane tomorrow for ADORE06. What will come out of it... who knows?

Had lunch today @ Sky Phoenix for John's birthday. I was this close to not going because I felt like a bit of a JI but when I got there I decided I was being much too petty. It's always good to catch up with friends you only get to see once every couple of months - or in Ed's case, once a year... though I expect that to change now he's back :)

After work, a few of the grads got together at Senate to farewell Ken before he runs away to HK. What a move. It was a great turn out, I must say. I'm glad that the weather held out because cheap steak + summer night = VERY CHILL.

I'm gonna be doing a lot of last-minute packing tomorrow. I'm so hopeless at doing things in advanced - that should be another resolution hey? They're coming along... my resolutions... hopefully they'll be ready by the end of the month.

Good night :)

the return of the recount

Maybe I should make it a resolution of mine to start blogging again. Maybe.

The last weekend quite exciting.

Hung out with the work peeps on Friday night. It's fun to get together with them every few months just to see what everyone's up to. Seemed, on Friday, that lots of people had some gripes with what they're doing for work. But we all managed to forget all that on Friday to enjoy ourselves. We started off at Forbes. I only managed to have one drink because the one I had (the strawberry daiquairi which the bartender hated making) made me a little dizzy. Nix and Al were there and needed a little nourishment after a few so we went to Wagamama for dinner. I went back to Forbes while they went home and chilled there for a little more before heading to Bar333 to finish up. Good night. Very good night.

Saturday was very chill. I stayed in bed for most of the morning until I decided it was time to get out. I took a stroll around the mall for a little before going home for some yummy Thai. While I was roaming around, I came across the CUTEST Maltese x mini Poodles in a pet store. One of them bit my hand and I swear, I stare at the scratch its little teeth made on my knuckle every day. I want one so bad! Not now, I have enough dogs... but maybe when I move out on my own. Who wants to buy me one?

Saturday night was Veed's 21st Birthday Party at the Blacket. It was nice to see a few people I hadn't seen for a while. I'm glad Veed had a good night. I made such a gross speech... but apparently the DVD Kim, Kate and I prepared for her (which stuffed up half way) made her happy.

Sunday was lazy az. I think I woke up, ate, slept, ate, then went to church. SO lazy. My Kuya from the Phils flew in yesterday afternoon so we had a big family dinner at home.

Right now... I'm tired. I'm watching Supernatural - interesting... bit scary though =
How's that? A recount! I'll try to check in more often.

Peace out homies.

PS. Ok... Supernatural is freaky.