Saturday, December 31, 2005

goodbye 2005

Until this year, I had a good set of blogs to draw my last hurrah blog from.

This year goes a little something like this (yes, I counted them):

Nevertheless, I still look back on the year and see one of the most monumental, life-changing and fulfilling experiences in my life thus far.

My mum told me that this year was going to be different. She told me this while she was in hospital a year ago. I couldn't completely understand why or how this year could possibly differ from any other year - but here I am, 12 months later wondering how I could possibly think otherwise.

This year was definately a year of change.

I watched my friends hurl themselves into "the real world" - whether it be a new job, a new relationship, a new country, a new role, a new house, a new environment, new realisations, new lives - I couldn't name any one of my friends who didn't experience a new world. It was inspriring because new worlds come with new challenges many of us weren't prepared for until we looked up and found ourselves in the middle of it. We didn't have uni to hold us together; nor did we have regular 21sts or planned get togethers to regularly bring us together. Old routines were replaced with new ones and we all struggled in one way or another to find the right balance between work, life, leisure... between friends, family and partners.

And at the end of it all, we all came out on top right? (probably minus one or two hiccups during the year) I think we're still far off from being one hundred per cent satisfied with where we are and what we've achieved but I'm satisfied enough knowing that people around me are happy - or at least slowly finding their place.

What about my year? I didn't know how to do this; blog about what the year's been like for me personally. I was listening to this song last night and I thought it captured what I want to say:
Sometimes you get happy
Sometimes you get blue
No matter the reason life's about what you do
A little by little you make it somehow
No use for your worry the time is now

Whatever we try
Whatever we do
We live and we die
It's all up to you
A new life will grow and follow it through
And rivers will flow and dreams will come true

These Days - Misteeq
...because I'm a strong believer that what you experience and consequently, how your life turns out depends greatly on your choices. So here goes:

My Choices
* I chose to take up salsa... for one session =* I chose to be liberal with my money - that's going to have to change next year
* I chose to say 'yes' more
* I chose to open my heart... then eventually ...
* I chose to follow my heart
* I chose to make new friends, to form new bonds
* I chose to go back to studying
* I chose to be more outspoken
* I chose to be pro-active; to plan things I wouldn't normally plan
* I chose to travel
* I chose to participate in more activities
* I chose to stop exercising
* I chose to watch more movies
* I chose to be ignorant to things I cannot control
* I chose to learn to surf (even though I failed miserably)
* I chose to practise self-control
* I chose to shake off anything not worth the stress I would feel
* I chose to be happy

That's all I really have to say. The rest of it lives in my head. Farewell 2005

Saturday, December 03, 2005

This time...

Four years ago...
I discovered my love for seafood when Tita Beth and co came over and it's all we ate!
I started gymming for the first time - lots of fire, lots of motivation. Those were the days...
I was still insanely in love with my website - was still in its infancy.
My mind was immature, I had plenty to learn.

Three years ago...
I was on fire.
Pretty sure I was smitten already...
Interviews! Interviews! Interviews! - zero strike rate. Ouch.
I was transitioning out of a life that I shared with someone, to a life on my own. I learnt to be independent, I saw the world from a different view. I had questions because I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I stood for, my mind was working itself out.

Two years ago...
I just started my Summer Vacation stint at Macquarie - I just realised it was my 2 year anniversary the other day!
I was on a high because, while so much in my life was unsure and messy, my career was rolling somewhere and that gave me peace.
I was preparing for my 21st Birthday do - all last minute of course =]
Self-awareness was a big thing for me
Hexic was big for everyone

One year ago...
Dramas just died down... for the time being
I've probably never analysed so much in my life
I was on an emotional rollercoaster. The whole episode our family went though - all the emotions, the tears and the fear - put lots of things in perspective for me.
I was considering a career change
The summer I was going to have in Hawai'i and Europe turned into a Summer in Sydney

... which brings me to This year...
I'm happy. Probably the happiest I've been for a good while.
My idealist life still contains imperfections but I've learnt that there'll never be a time when EVERYTHING's perfect. Something's always gonna add a bit of colour to my life to motivate me to press on and not take anything for granted.
I've learnt the importance of patience and perseverance. I haven't arrived at the place I'm at now without a bit of patience - without accepting the downsides of the happiness that come my way.
And it's the perseverance that teaches me to appreciate what good does come my way.

THE PAST is a funny thing. I look back on it and I cringe at the things I've said and done that I've moved on from, I reflect on my evolution and I realise that the choices I made were the right ones.

That's all that's on my mind really. Apologies that it's been a pretty "all-about-me" kind of post but Nix said I had to update :)

In other news...
* Nix's birthday do last Saturday
* SIA Trimester is over. Exam was on Wednesday night and I'm fine to not have to talk about bonds and bills for a good 10 years
* ISD Christmas Party Wednesday night @ The Overseas Passenger Terminal - pics on the imagestation
* Uncle Joel's getting married tomorrow (well, today)!

Ok that's it. I'm sleepy. Seeya!

PS. My mind's still immature - I've just learnt to hide it :)

Monday, November 07, 2005

Never leave that till tomorrow, which you can do today

We can't pretend we haven't been told
We've all heard the proverbs
.. heard the philosophers
.. heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time
.. heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'

Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves
.. we have to make our own mistakes
.. we have to learn our own lessons
.. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug

Until we can't anymore
Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant:

That knowing is better than wondering
That waking is better than sleeping
.. and that even the biggest failure
.. even the worst most intractable mistake
Beats the hell out of never trying
-- Grey's Anatomy Season One, Episode Six

That was an EXCELLENT episode.

Saturday, November 05, 2005


There are so many gorgeous [wo]men out there.

But the thing is this:

After a while, you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh...

How true.

... and

nel: ok, I'm coming now. I just have to take a shower and -
mindy: so... you'll be here in an hour and a half?
nel: I'm so rushing to prove you wrong. I'll be there in 45 minutes... I'm timing it
mindy: so am I

4 minutes down... now I'm leaving...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

two types

There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say "Well, here I am!", and those who come in and say "Ah, there you are!"

You can usually sort them out after 20 seconds of conversation...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Amel Larrieux - Make Me Whole

Let me tell you why I love that song.

I love it because...

... through the chatter of uni students arguing about requirements and assignment deadlines
... through the hustle and bustle of Central in the PM
... through the screeching brakes of cars and buses along Broadway
... through the beats the beat boxing busker produced in the Devonshire Tunnel
... through the sound of tickets being entered and removed from the Central Station turnstiles
... through the clicking of heels of women rushing for their trains
... through the announcements and re-announcments of the trains on Platform 18 & 19
... through the familiar sounds coming from trains arriving and departing Central
... through the innocent stories the kids on the train told

it soothed me. It brought down all the stress I was feeling. About school. About work. About everything.

It was just....... chill.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Rita Mae Brown

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory

It's so true, it's almost disturbing.

Monday, October 03, 2005


Michelle Branch - Desperately

Another Labour Day weekend away has come and gone. Spent this one up at Copacabana (yes, it's a real place) with the oots peeps. It was a beeeautiful weekend! The sun was out all Sunday and Monday - I laaahved it! Something else I love about the small towns outside the city is that the nights are so quiet and you can see millions of stars in the sky - it's so beautiful! I really want to get a holiday place up the coast to be able to run away to that whenever I want.

It also helped to be surrounded with people that collectively kept me in a good mood all weekend. Thanks kids.

Pictures are up on the i-station. Enjoy!

... aaaaaaaaand now, back to reality.

"There's something 'bout the way you looked at me"

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Oh I've read your blog! You're wearing sunglasses in your picture!

Thaaaaaaaaaaaanks David.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Too bad

Memories feed the mind and not the heart - where I want you to be

... especially the purest ones.

Does anyone else agree that Australia's Brainest Kid is better than grown-up trivia shows like Temptation? It's probably because I'm not all that great with grown-up general knowledge and I'd only have a chance competing against kids 10 years younger than me =]

Dad: When your mum and I were going out, I used to correct her grammar all the time
... silence ...
Mum: No you didn't! I was good at grammar!
Dad: Yeh, you were. I was making that up...
Mum: I know. I knew it.

My parents are silly.

Last night: Hana's 23rd Birthday Party @ Parramatta
Very enjoyable night - even if I had a real bad headache for most of the second half of the night. I loved being in first class - even though, according to Hana, we were f*cked. Dress up parties are great when most people get into it.

I'd show you pictures but my camera was out of batery once I got there :(

Gotta reconstruct my week this week. Copacabana next weekend! Seeya!

... a realist, masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist

Although... writing that gives the secret away... haha!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Must Love Dogs

It's different for me, I've already had the love of my life
Brings you an inch closer to understanding the whole "companionship" argument. I often wonder whether I could do it - I really don't think I can. Ask me again when I'm 30 and single... I might be singing a different tune by then :)

It was a good movie. As good as romantic comedies get, I suppose.

'Tis been a good week...
* MP Recruit
* Watched Dr Zhivago in 4 sittings (it's hard to watch a movie on a laptop lying down - you just fall asleep!) - and then seeing Jake Anderson watch it in MLD ... very cool!
* Dinner at Chinta Ria w/ Minh, Mamo and the partners
* Got to my class on Thursday night and realised I was a day late - oops!
* Drinks @ Senate with the Mac Girls after work on Friday
* Dinner at Wagamama with Veed

Very excited about Hana's party tonight... just gotta find my dress.

It's sad when you realise you've got "friends" that claim they're friends with you but would not hesitate to bring you down if you were ever one up on them. I've had my share of enemies and people that sh!t me in my time - but I'd like to think we're adults now and that we don't need to resort to such adolesence.................. for anything!

Pet peeve of the week/month/year: People who speak over me, ignoring anything I have to say. I thought conversations were two-way. It's amusing how some people call/talk to me with the sole purpose of telling me how excellent they are. Whatever.

It benefits me some anyway.........

This is so random. Out.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

eyes lie... i think

I've always maintained that I believe that the eyes are the window to a person's soul - what they think, what they feel, what they want to say. Today, I decided that - maybe, just maybe - they lie sometimes. Not full-blown lies, more like little white lies to avoid being interrogated or pitied or to hide the truth.

I dragged myself into work this morning, feeling a little heavy. When I got to my floor and greeted my workmates 'good morning', one of them looked me straight in the face and said "okay, you look way too happy to be at work". It was a comment that surprised me because I wasn't nearly as happy as he made me out to be. I think my eyes are out of order.

Today was a good day, though.

I enroled for my second SIA trimester yesterday. One subject this time - I don't want to feel the weight of two again.

Weekend looks like a good one. We're treasure hunting on Saturday! That's exciting for me. I really should get some rest for it.

Seeya on the flipside!

PS. I had waaaay more stuff to talk about. I forgot though. I need to start writing things down again...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

ew ew ew!

Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
Changing Faces - Don't Cry For Me

So Tuesday nights are a little boring. I currently have two downloaded movies on my PC.
  • The Amityville Horror, and
  • Sahara

For reasons I don't want to share, I decided to start watching Amityville Horror over Sahara tonight. Not even 5 minutes into it, I was scared. I went onto to see reviews on the movie. Turns out, although it's better than the original, it's not fantastic. Then I checked the movie again and I realised I had downloaded the OLD movie. Craaaaaap.

So... while Return of the Jedi continues to download I decided to watch Sahara anyway. Imagine my astonishment when I played it and the words "The secrets of Kamasutra" flashed on the screen. Shift-Delete. Gross... so foul.

I'm soooo scared of downloading movies online now. I've only managed to download one movie successfully - In Good Company. Oh well... no movies for me tonight...

I did put a bid on a DVD though. Hopefully I get that......

Any recommendations? Preferably one that came out before this year so I can actually download it (I'm too impatient to download anything too new).




C1 - Distinction
C2 - Credit

You were right. You're always right. I am fine.


Monday, September 12, 2005

white noise

Wendy Matthews - I Don't Wanna Be With Nobody But You

Anne was awesome last night - and I decided I reeeeeally liked that song. It was in my head all night... it's in my head right now.

My sister and I are watching the Idol verdict. It's just gone to a commercial break and a preview of numb3rs came on. The preview showed how the show was going to be about how a clown kidnaps a little girl at her birthday party. After the commercial, Veed goes to me "Why did they take her?" I just looked at her.

I'm tired. Good Night.

PS. White noise is good. The Mac girls showed me that today.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Spring ?

My sister's sick, so somehow she took my room last night. I had to sleep in the colder back room last - which is cold coz there's not heater in there. Somehow, I couldn't find my pyjamas so I put on my tae kwon do pants and a coral singlet. That was my miscalculation for the night.

I was cold. Before I knew it, an hour and a half had past and I couldn't get to sleep. That was painful because I really was sleepy... just really cold too.

Where's Spring at?

That's it. I'm still sleepy.

Happy Father's Day!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Yep. Still alive...

The problem with not blogging is that now I can't looking back a few weeks/months/years to see what I was doing on a particular day. Or I can't read what I was thinking when I was going through certain parts of my life.

So what of the lack of blogging in the past few months?

I don't think I can really bring it down to one reason. There's a multitude of reasons why I don't blog. I haven't even really thought about it to be honest. I just don't, simple as that.

I wonder if people even bother checking this page anymore...

So things that happened in August:
- 2 exams in 2 days: probably failed one but whatever...
- Finally got to spend some time with MM&M. We did a night out to 12 Spices then karaoke'd using my new chip at my house
- Went on a Comedy Cruise with the grads out on the harbour. Really... not funny. But the rest of the night was good
- Performed for my Ninang's 50th Birthday
- My Uncle Bimbo came over from the Phils and did a concert in Mt Druitt
- Had a family get together at Kimmy's house. I love my family

There's probably plenty in betweens there...

Oh yeh, my biggest news: I have a new laptop! His name is se7en. I got him after Qpac decided to give up on me. Qpac's on warranty though so we're getting him back, but then he'll just be my sister's. se7en is much smaller... I laaahv it!

Ok that's it. I'll be back in a month =]

Just kidding... I'll try to come back sooner... Bye!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

seven deadly sins

(I got this from the back page of last week's New Idea)

Gluttony - What's your favourite food?
If it's possible, I'd have prawns with everything.

Greed -What was the last luxury item you bought?
Probably my first, and possibly last, Country Road pants suit.

Lust - What do you lust after?
Happiness... y'know...

Pride - What are you most proud of?
Probably what I've managed to achieve - academically, personally, career-wise - up to this stage in my life.

Sloth - When are you at your laziest?
Probably straight after a uni/college assignment or exam. Also, if I'm waching TV boxsets (FRIENDS, Alias... and now Full House), I'll stay in front of the TV for hours.

Anger - When was the last time you lost your temper?
When this pretty girl started sweet talking the guy standing in front of us at D&B just to push in behind him. I don't think I lost my temper, but I was MAD. Oh, and when Mike made like he knew what made me happy, and I didn't. I BURNED.

Envy - What brings out the green-eyed monster in you?
I know it sounds silly, but I envy people that have qualities I wish I had - like being carefree, having a better memory, assertiveness, courage, and the list goes on...
I'm not one to turn into a green-eyed monster though. I just burn BAD inside.

Ok I'm out. If you haven't seen them already, my pictures from Hawai'i are up on the Imagestation. Later dudes!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


The use of many words to express an idea that might be expressed by few; indirect or roundabout language

That made me laugh...

Saturday, July 02, 2005

long time

It's good to be back. Though I don't have much to write about in the short amount of time I've got to blog. I'll come back later... maybe.

I updated my quotables even while bijooh was down. I reckon quotes are mad. The ones I post give a little insight into my head most of the time. They probably say more than what this junk I write on this side says...


Thursday, June 02, 2005

my crazy world

I decided this morning that it's only because I believe that this world is crazy, unpredictable and messy that I'm able to accept the nonsense around me. Very few things in my life, and in the lives around me, make actual sense. Some people reckon we should be following a safe, rational and uncomplicated road. I reckon I thrive on the world's dubiety. Obviously, there are parts of my life I want relative stability in. Relationships and career, for instance - even with those though, I need to periodically take risks to mix things up.

I sound crazy, I probably am. I love it!


Wednesday, June 01, 2005

it's been a while

Jojo - Never Say Goodbye
Kelly Clarkson - Some Kind of Miracle

Two and a half weeks to be exact. I wonder if that's brought my blogs per week figure on my profile down...

I suppose the biggest news in my life right now is that I'm back at school! Feels strange, yet familiar. I'm once again sitting in a lecture room (well, it's the size of a tutorial room actually), struggling to stay awake, scribbling down nonsense in my notebook - but this time the content isn't language syntax, IT project management or IT solutions. We're being flashed graphs, and getting told what all sorts of financial bodies do. Lots of theory. Feels a bit like a hybrid of high school economics and university accounting. Joy. Thing is, as the lecturer is talking, all that's going through my head is a mantra saying "Just read the notes later, you're better off reading the notes later". So, there's gonna be a day... sometime in the future, where I'm actually gonna have to sit down and eyeball all these notes. Sigh. Content isn't too bad though, I must say. Hopefully things get a little more interesting.

The holiday's coming closer and we haven't sorted out accommodation yet! I think that's on my current TODO list.

The MBL ASM was on last Friday night. It was an awesome night! The venue was great, the entertainment was fantastic, the drinks were awesome and I'm told the food was good too! Photos are up on the i-station. I went home pretty much after the party ended. I decided to wear high heels that night... so my feet were too numb for me to continue partying.

I also had a movie date with Nix on Saturday night to watch Star Wars Episode 3. Excellent movie - even if I've only seen one other Star Wars movie. I'm aiming to watch the trilogy in the near future... when I could be bothered. Anyone wanna hook me up with the DVD's?

I've got this unsettling feeling of contentment right now. How's that for an oxymoron? I suppose I've just seen, as well as experienced first hand, disappointment that skews my belief in complete happiness in reality. Thing is, I've also seen wonderful things happening for the people around me - my uncle about to finally get married to someone we all really love, for example - and I remember that a life in fear of bad things that could happen could stop you from experiencing the good things in life. And that's why I bolded "contentment" and not "unsettling" at the beginning of this paragraph.


Saturday, May 14, 2005


I graduated on Wednesday. It was a hectic day but well worth the sore back I had at the end of all the various graduation festivities. What I enjoyed most about it was seeing everyone from my life at uni altogether. It was awesome - I even saw someone I seriously didn't think I'd ever see again after first year! Anyway, pics are up on the i-station if you wanna have a squizz. What I really wanna blog is the message in the card my parents gave me this morning (3 days late of course hehe):
Be proud on this day
for the things you've accomplished,
the way you have grown,
and the goals you have met.
Look now to the future
and face it with courage,
and don't waste a minute
of life on regret.
For the future you'll have
will be just what you make it -
be true to yourself
as you follow your star,
For you have the power
if you choose to use it
to reach any dream,
so remember - reach far!
I was touched badly.

Which brings me to what Hoa, Mel and I were talking about on the way home from the post-Graduation dinner - fate. The lengths to which we believe in it, depend on it, use it to reason. I don't really believe in it - which means I don't really depend on it. What I do do is use it to accept the past, or use it to avoid taking risks. Sometimes nothing anyone can say can explain to you why things happen the way they do, why things don't go the way you'd hoped, how things are going to be, how things should be. This is when I temporarily "believe" in fate to accept that things happened because they were meant to and also, that things will happen the way they're supposed to. Of course, once I've completely accepted the past and moved on, more rational reasoning replaces fate. As for the future, I do what I can to get to where I want to go... then I free fall and see where I land.

Something else I want to share from the book that I'm reading on and off:
Fragonard depicted love as a game for the young and innocent, in which both parties knew the rules. But there were no rules anymore. Noone was innocent; they were guarded and cynical, anxious to keep their options open, wary of being trapped yet terrified of missing out.

That's all for now. Bye!

Sunday, May 08, 2005


Watched the first two episodes of ALIAS s4 this evening.
I missed Alias.
I missed my girl. It's funny how I still think I'm her.
I missed - omg - Michael Vartan! He's still yummy.

Anyway, the weekend's been a bit of nothing - bar Friday night when I caught up with the girls and whoever we met or tagged along. It was a good night, even if I had to check out early. Ah well...

Three days till GRADUATION! I've already got my outfit picked out - should be good.

Meanwhile, I'm just cruisin'. It's been interesting. Laters!

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Things I Never Wanted to Hear in the Bathroom

NEL: *picking up toothbrush*
DAD: Oh. Is that yours????????

I almost fainted.

Seeya in my Dreams

So the other night, I had a dream about Lisette. Of all the people I could have a dreamt of, I dreamt about Lisette. I dreamt that I visited her at her place and we just caught up and what not. It was nice, and I had a pretty solid memory of it when I woke up. I commented on her blog and told her about my dream then she e-mailed me to tell me she dreamt about me the same night! FREAKY AYE? I thought that was interesting.

My New "teddy" Equivalent

Some people need to sleep with a bear, a doll, others need to sleep clutching onto a pillo at night. For a week now, I haven't been able to go to bed without holding onto this synthetic stress ball type thing. I didn't realise till last night - when I had to get up and turn on my light after I had gone to bed because I couldn't find it anywhere on my bed.

Living Life

Someone told me last night that I tend to talk about life as if I'm not actually living it. I found that rather unsettling. He told me that I spend a lot of time... trying to figure it out. I tend to disagree with the assertion though because I do live it, I do ride the ride of life - there are just some people that see life at different angles, that like to step out of it and try to look at the bigger picture, that desire to discover its meaning and wonder where it's all leading. I'm one of those people. I've been accused of over analysing once or twice... but I just find the living part of life a lot more meaningful and fulfilling when I've reflected on it a bit.

Ok that's it. I'm gonna bloge-mail now =) Tata!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

the family meeting

Tonight, when I got home, the family had a meeting to discuss the events coming up in the next couple of weeks:

1. Mother's Day
2. My Graduation
3. Mama's Birthday

We had a meeting that almost went for an hour discussing what we'd do for each occasion, when the activity will be, who'd be coming and, if necessary, what food to prepare. It was such an interesting meeting - emphasising parts of each person's character...

Daddy - indecisive, asks a lot of unrelated questions, doesn't want to be involved in the decision making process unless we're going to Rosehill Bowling Club to eat, drifts off and comes back when we've gone far enough that he'd be lost, asks questions about things we've already decided.

Mama - listens to the arguments quietly, inputs when necessary, accomodating, easy going, the mediator.

Me - impatient, unconcerned with details, procrastinator, short attention span, stresses out when there's too much going on, will settle for the first decent suggestion.

Veed - accurate, pushes organisation, plans with a sense of urgency, pro-active, likes to summarise decisions, likes to volunteer to cook her baked potato, detailed.

It's not the Brady Bunch is it? I love the family.

Oh... I'm going to HAWAI'I! More later... Bye!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

word vomit

What are they doing? Doesn't matter, I can't see anyway. I wonder if they can see me. Woah I think I'm slouching. Sit up. My arm's itchy. Should I scratch it? Might as well - the itch is travelling all the way down my right arm anyway. Now my left arm is itchy. Or is it? Maybe it's just jealous coz my right arm got a scratch? I'll scratch it anyway. Why am I still itchy? Maybe I'm allergic to my lotion again? Wait, I was never allergic to my lotion - I was allergic to night time. That was after I got back from the US. Maybe the US air has something weird in it. Uhoh I'm leaning too far to the left. I bet that guy thinks I have a crush on him coz I was practically lying on him. Idiot. Guys are so full of themselves. I'm gonna turn away just to prove I don't give a crap that he's sitting next to me. I'll cross my legs the other way. Oops, kicked away my gym bag - and now I'm uncomfortable... and my leg's showing. Crap. Ok recompose - stand up, adjust your skirt and sit back down. Now my back's itchy. I can't scratch it coz I'm wearing a jacket and any attempt to scratch won't help the itch at all. I might even make it worse. Stuff it. I'll just bear it. Now... what day is it? Wednesday - already. Excellent. What's to do on the weekend? Oh yeh, I remember. That should be fun. What did I do last weekend? Oh yeh, I remember, heh. When's my credit card bill due? OMG TODAY! Wait... relax, it's taken care of. Where am I right now? Oh right, got it. My lips are dry. Should I lick them? Nah, that'll just make it worse. Wait, I have vaseline. No I don't, I lent it to Veed this morning. I'm sleepy. Wait, why is it so cold? Where's that light coming from? Right. The sun - better put on my sunnies. Ok sun's behind a cloud. Now I'm just wearing sunnies in the dark. Useless. Why can't I stop moving? Ok better sleep, time will go faster that way...

I'm always so anxious, a bit flustered, a bit agitated, a bit excitable. I don't know why. It's like I don't know how to sit still without my mind wandering off to different places, entertaining so many thoughts at once. I can't stay in one position without feeling uncomfortable or rigid. I need to move. It seems, though, that even when I find a position I'm comfortable in someone needs me to get out of their way, I'll cramp up, my shoe will slip off, my calf will itch, my back starts to hurt... SOMETHING will give me a reason to readjust.

Which is why things are so strange right now. Without uni, my life's become a routine. I tried to mix it up by taking up salsa classes every week and, more recently, going to the gym after work. Still, I end up sitting and staring when I get home wondering whether I should be doing something more. This is then why I need to go back to school. I may be graduating two weeks from today (!!), but I'll be back in class a couple of weeks after that. Should be fun.

When the year 2005 started, I promised myself it'd be a good year. I had just finished uni, I was going to be a permanent employee at work, I was going to meet tonnes of new people through the grad program, I was going to pick up some new hobbies, I was going to be empowered and good things were going to happen for me.

It's almost May. Almost a third of the way through the year. It's just flown by. So many things have happened, so many things have changed, people are changing, I'm changing, everyone's doing their thing... I wonder whether I'm keeping up. Once again, I wonder whether I should be doing more. At the end of it all, I decide that life's a ride, and I'm going to ride it. I think I end up happier that way.

On a completely unrelated note, someone who doesn't really speak to me much at all just asked me to help them with their homework because "they know I'm smart". Not even a "Hey, how you doin?"
More often than not, I'm more than willing to help someone who needs me with things they can't handle. But when you know they're just using you... *sigh* dust it off Nel, dust it off

[/babble] Seeya!

Monday, April 25, 2005

it's crazy!

"before I open my eyes......"

Today's been a pretty relaxing and lazy day. I woke up late on a Monday morning refreshed from a long good night's sleep and was pumped for the day ahead. I went to the fish markets with Uncle Joel, Tita Maria and Veed for lunch no makeup and without blowdrying my hair. I felt so natural, so unglamorous and I laaaahved it. It's nice to have a day where your prep time is reduced by more than half and you walk out carefree, confident, not caring about who you run into. I think I'll go au naturale this week. Just don't tell my mum!

After the markets, Veed and I went to Parramatta to get ice-cream from Cold Rock then went home to sleep the afternoon off. How's that?

Saturday Night was Lila's 21st Birthday Party. It was a really nice night. 21st's are so awesome. I miss going to one almost every week and listening to the emotional, funny, or censored speeches that come from all corner's of someone's life.

Things feel... different. Things are different.

I wish I had more interesting things to blog about. I've been mind blanking for a while - sorry!

Goodbye & Good night.

Monday, April 18, 2005

gym junkie

I think I feel the gym junkie-ness coming back. Today marks the day I'm going to try to live a healthy and fit lifestyle. Mama made me baon today - it consisted of vegetables and two tuna sandwiches which kept me well-satisfied-but-not-bloated throughout the day. I also went to the gym this arvo and I feel the strange urge to go again tomorrow afternoon - so I will! I'm on a mission!

The weekend was good-o. Friday night, after work, I met Alisa and Nix then the rest of the girls in Parra to have dinner at Royale. Post-Royale, we retreated to Al's house for some chatter, drinks and karaoke. Excellent night in. Al also showed us her taped Alicia Keys Grammys 2005 Performances. That woman is my idol. She really has it all!

Saturday was spent doing chores to justify me going out at night =). It was Lish's Farewell @ Opera Bar. Good chance to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while. Opera Bar makes my drink! Woohoo! I was happy about that!

In other news, I've stocked up on a couple old school Whitney Houston songs. She's a legend! I really should get some *NEW* music. I'm so out of it.

Oh and y'know what? Ever since I complained about people asking me what I listen to on my iPod, it's been happening more than ever! My manager called me old for listening to Mariah Carey on Friday afternoon, and the guy at the petrol station thought it was a nice conversation starter while he processed my payment.

I don't really have much else to say. Not here anyway... Seeya!

Friday, April 15, 2005

i'm twisted...

I don't really know what being twisted means. Lanie told me I was gonna get twisted after I downed my "vodka lemon lime" (i.e. straight vodka on the rocks with a slice of lemon and lime) in Ft. Lauderdale last year.

Then there's the term according to Jerzee Monet.

I'm the third kind.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I laahv it!

I was reading this this morning. I loved them!

My favourites:
"I gotta warn ya, every man I've ever gone out with has been ruined."
"Well, that's what they get for messing with my girl."
(Annette Benning and Warren Beatty, Bugsy, 1991)
"I would give anything if you were two people, so I could call up the one who is my friend and tell her about the one I like so much"
(Albert Brooks to Holly Hunter, Broadcast News, 1987)
"I love you."
"I know."
(Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, 1980)

I'm such a girl. Bye!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

you rockin' ?

I was on my way out of work today, and one of my workmates came into the lift with me. He noticed that I was plugged into my iPod and asked: "So what are you listeninng to?"

How do you answer that?

I just said "Oh, just some mp3's from my computer" and he started teasing me as if I put the Windows sound bytes on the iPod and listen to them all day long! Wierd. Before I answered, I had a look at the screen on the mini and seriously, liks I'm really going to tell him I'm listening to some softc--- crap. People really just shouldn't ask.

My uncle just said I look tired because I have dark circles around my eyes. Ouch.

My cousins Bianca and Llena are at my house till the weekend. I love those girls =)

Ok bye!

Sunday, April 10, 2005

... then you blink and tomorrow's Monday

T'was another quiet Saturday night for me. I reckon, a year or two ago, I'd feel a little emptier - wishing that I was out, doing something a little more social. These days, I'm happy to veg out. When you're working 5 days ago, you learn to appreciate the weekends more than ever!

Friday night was a big enough night to last the rest of the weekend anyway (shut up, I know I only got home at 1.30am haha). That night, we threw our own Cocktail Party at the Forbes Hotel for the grads+friends. It was an excellent turn out! So much fun too! You can't really go wrong with cheap drinks and 2-for-1 cocktails aye?

It was around 10-ish when Nix, Alisa and I decided we needed to eat so we went down to Wagamama on the Wharf for dinner. We dropped by Bar333 where a couple of the Forbes people retired to for some dancing before deciding we wanted to go home. My mobile phone time read 11.57pm. We're getting old. When we got back to the car, we saw Manio's car so we met up with him, Llewol and Joe to push our official city departure time to 12.46am. Nice effort - haha.

Yesterday morning, the parentals found out about the belly ring. They came down on me pretty hard because they were fuelled by a number of things I've done to p1ss them off already. So it's coming out. I'm bored of it anyway. It was good for about 6 months, and now it's about as interesting as a tattoo under my foot.

Yesterday... I slept most of the afternoon, woke up, ate, I-netted, watched Alias and went back to sleep.

Now, I need to shower. I'm starting to feel really gross. Bye! =)

Friday, April 08, 2005


Madonna - Take a Bow

... the first song I downloaded on ADSL! Woohoo!

Last night, after salsa, I got home and found out that I wasn't going to be able to set up the ADSL until 8am today - and I'm on my way to work by then! I was so disappointed. Very few people would actually understand how depressed I was when I found this out. I've been excited about setting the whole thing up for the longest time!

I'm a stubborn one though, so right after I took a shower, I attempted to set the connection up. It worked! Wireless and EVERYTHING! I am a techhead! I love it!

Are you proud? Thanks.

... now off to work! Seeya online while I'm surfing at lightning speeds!
I'm such a loser

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Growing Up!

These are just notable notes emphasising the change going on around me:

* Did I tell you my mum went out and bought a new TV, DVD player, and something else that requires us to have three remote controls in the lounge where the new TV is? I'm such a retard, I don't know how to use the remote controls! My mum said she'll write out some instructions because "Press the blue button" isn't enough these days. Too many remote controls!

* We're getting the ADSL connected in a couple of days. I'm really excited about it - mainly because I get to set up the wireless network finally! SNAPS for me! I'm a bit nervous about it but I reckon I'll have someone on the phone to help me in my moment of faux techiness. Aah... fast downloads, smooth webcam streamage... it's gonna be fun!

* I finally got my Medicare Card today. Mum and I are gonna sit down and work out whether it's more beneficial for me to get my own private health care, or just pay my portion under the current family plan. I feel so independent =)

* I told my mum today that I'm just pretending to be responsible, when really, my ulterior motive is to get my independence so I can move out of here as soon as possible....... haha just kidding! I'm too chicken! My mum wants me to move into this place at Baulkham Hills but it's a 3-bedroom place so I need roomies first.

* I got an invitation to my high school's 5 year reunion. I actually wouldn't mind going. I'll probably only go if my friend's go, so hopefully there's a good turn out.

In other news...
I spent today in training - IT Fundamentals they call it and my, my are the concepts fundamental. We walked out going "If I have to see another ERD in my life.........." haha!

The most exciting thing we did today was an estimation exercise where we went into teams and had to estimate time and "cost" to make a paper aeroplane according to specification. Not only, did our team finish first - but I'm pretty sure we had the most cost-effective aeroplane. We didn't buy scissors - we used a fine point pen to cut the paper, and we didn't buy blu-tack to add weight to the nose of the plane (coz the specs said so) - we used a huge chunk of glue! We're so retarded - but it was so fun!

That's all. Seeya when I seeya... speak to you when I speak to you. Bye!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

i have searched for you, and you have come for me

I am undeniably touched by the message of the Holy Father to the youth this evening. I haven't been as glued to the TV news channels (admittantly not glued as I am blogging...) since the 9/11 attacks over three years ago. I don't really know what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting. I'm so inspired by his works, his pilgimages, his teachings, his perseverance and his words. With his health failing, prayers for him and the church are needed more than ever. May Thy Will Be Done

Akala Mo - Aiza Seguerra

(ok, I've been sitting here for 5 minutes, thinking of something to write, and the song actually comes on!)

Remember the feeling of finally getting all but one of those little steel balls into their little grooves on one of those concentration puzzles, then have someone bump into you and have them fall out of place?

... or, to finally complete some sort of puzzle (yeh, yeh I'm a geek - puzzles excite me - and apparently, they're all I can relate things to haha) and realise you went about it the wrong way completely? To realise your strategy led to a solution that doesn't seem right?

'Tis just funny... the way things turn out. Should get me some new puzzles.

Today was a bludgy one. I only got up and out of the house for a few hours for Kirk's BBQ at Bicentennial Park. Food was good mate, so good. Oh and omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg - that's all. Kris and I made a dance for Vida. That's about as exciting as it got.

This week, I also found out how to fool the MSN Block Checkers. Yes, it's an interesting life I lead haha!

Also, I'm pretty g'd up to set up the Wi-Fi Network at my house next week. I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be too hard once I get all the gear together. My workmate drew me a picture of how everything fits together and what hardware I need to get in the next week. Pays to have friends in ITS =] I'm kind of excited. That's all.

Last night (yep, weird order), we found ourselves at Verandah Bar for Manio's birthday. Too bad the boy rocked up right before I had to leave. I was a bit upset because it looked like it was going to be an AWESOME night. I paid $12 for all of the one hour I was in there. That was silly.

I really liked this...
I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some
Herbert Rappaport

So, it's 9.18pm on a Saturday night. It actually feels cool being at home doing nothing. I think I'll watch a movie... or something. Later!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005


I'm so HAPPY that the long weekend happened. I really needed that. I actually feel much more refreshed than I did on the other side of the weekend - they really should have these long weekends more often. Next public holiday... ANZAC DAY!

T'was a weekend of eating, sleeping, bumming, watching TV, sleeping, eating, karoke-ing @ Al's, chilling at Darling Harbour w/ the girls + Az and, of course, the Australia's Next Top Model-athon! Wonderful, absolutely wonderful!
Because that's what people do, they leap, and hope to God they can fly...because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why the hell did i jump?
That fearlessness is inspiring. The way, in that one moment, you truly believe - and trust - that you made the right choice.

... and if you didn't make the right choice?

Well, then you hope someone - anyone - is gonna catch you. Because when you drop, all you want to do is hide. Your confidence plummets and you really don't know where to turn.

... this is why I don't jump - because I know that the probability of my dropping is higher than the probability of me flying... and I can't jump in those conditions.


So, I think that the amount of optimism you have in certain situations is proportional to how positive what you've experienced in similar situations was. Derr. It's interesting how a single experience can change one's view of a situation so dramatically.

Do you reckon that that single experiences removes overall objectivity over the situation? If your single experience is good, you become optimistic, hopeful for other people experiencing similar things. If, however, your single experience is bad, you're likely to become more cynical, pessimistic and cautious for other people in similar situations.

So how is it that people can so easily say "I've been there, I know how this is gonna turn out" when every situation is so unique?

... and why am I so optimistic about love and all that mushy stuff? It's not like I've been so lucky in love in my life. I guess I'm cautious about the game-playing, the courtship and the mixed signals - but not so much about the actual experience of being in a good relationship... when it's good.

I don't know. I think this blog's turned into babble. Bye!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

shuffle... shuffle...

Destiny's Child - Sail On

I got my iPod mini tonight! How exciting. It's my new toy. It was a bit of a pain to set-up and all but I finally got it working.

In other news...
* Had drinks with some >ture grads on Friday night. They're an interesting lot those kids - I even faked being a grad for a good period of time =)

* Untouchables Touch lost 3 out of 3 games on Saturday afternoon at the Corporate Games. Two tries were scored altogether but we had the BEST time! We retreated to a pub in Strathfield to drink away the losses. I came away from the day with blisters on my feet - joy!

* Natalee turned TWENTY-ONE! Mel, Leo and I dropped in on her dinner but didn't stay because there were too many people - and my feet didn't agree with me standing up for long periods. We ended up just sippin drinks at Starbucks in Darling Harbour. That was nice.

* Got a bit sick from the past week - the weather change, the random exercise... I'm better now

* Teej, Menard and B left for Dover today

* Congratulations Mel! She's a star. I wish I could go on holiday with her before she starts her new "engagement" but, hi, work.


The last week has been a little bit hard. I've been feeling under the weather, moody, confused and a tad messed up. So, apologies to those who've been on the receiving end of some of my tantrums or my extremely low energy moments.

That's it, I think. I don't know why I can't think of anything to blog these days. I need some inspiration. Or some interaction. Slates!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

step back

GOOD NEWS: We're finally getting broadband (Bjorn is proud that I got my priorities right haha)
BAD NEWS: Our Internet phone line has been disconnected so I doubt I'll be netting too much over the next ten days... maybe

TWO THUMBS UP for Million Dollar Baby. Okay, so I fell asleep for a while - but that's normal! It was an excellent movie! Something that was said in the early part of the movie stayed with me for a while:
In a fight, sometimes you have to step back to land a good punch; Step back too much and you might risk not fighting at all
I so often become so passionate in the battles I face in life that I can't step back. I tend to want to fight and fight and fight. Who knows if stepping back will do anything really. The risk I face with getting so involved, so close, so deep in life's battles is that my guard will come down and I could walk into a punch in the gut. We're all drawn to temptation and challenges - and even though it might seem that walking away is "the right thing to do", in the words of Lane Olinghouse:
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address
So what's the point? I think, subconsciously, we think we can win these battles, we can beat the challenges and we can overcome the temptations. After all, why fight for something you can't win? or rather why shouldn't we fight for what makes us happy?

Ok, I think I have to get off now. Net time over for tonight. Good night!

Sunday, March 13, 2005


Nothing like a bit of anger to put a bit of numb on the coronary. It's fascinating how the emotion takes away the ability to feel. Absolutely fascinating.

I spent the weekend, from Thursday, at Manly with the famiy.

Friday night drinks were at the Republic Bar, a few of us girls had dinner at Wagamama then we had a few more drinks before dancing it off at Bar333. Minh dropped in with some of her workmates. That was cool coz I haven't seen that girl in a very long time. As much as I wanted to drop into Verandah before going home, my mum was calling incessantly on the cellular so I had to hop on the ferry back to Manly.

Staying at Manly
* I really enjoyed the Ferry ride to and from Manly. It's heaps expensive (one-way is almost three times a one-way from home by train!) though. The views from the ferry definately beat the view from the trains and the ferries I caught were never super crowded.There was this part of the ride to Manly though, where the boat decides it needs to rock really painfully. I got really dizzy then - add a few Friday night drinks and it wasn't really good on the tummy.

* I felt like a foreigner when I was in Manly. There are hardly any Asians there! I couldn't believe it! It was quite interesting considering I see an Asian everywhere I turn here out west. It's like a whole different world in the Northern Beaches.

* Veed and I took a couple of surfing lessons - that was exciting. More on that later though.

* Veed, Mum and I had lunch at Pink Salt on Saturday. My sister really liked the squid and I wanted her to go to the confession room at the restaurant and say "Go SQUIDney!". She refused and I was a bit hurt because I thought that joke was gold. The restaurant is awesome, food a bit overpriced but SO yum!

* Nix, Al and Vin came over on Saturday night. None of us felt like a big night though so we just chatted over icecream from Copenhagen.

* Veed and I tanned quite a bit. Well, I burnt a bit. My nose and my cheeks are red(der than normal).

* I had A LOT on my mind the whole weekend. It's so messed up, so so messed up.

Surfing was excellent! I'm a crap surfer though. I didn't even stand up properly because I think my arms are made of nothing but bones and fat. Everytime I pushed up, I lost balance. By the time I gained balance, I had no strength to hold myself up that little bit more to get my legs through to stand up.

So on my TO-WORKOUT list are the following muscles (if I'm going to make another attempt at surfing someday):
* Chest - I couldn't be bothered working my chest muscles because I'm concentrating on my back muscles these days and I don't want to undo what I do on my back by working my chest out.
* Forearm Muscles - I don't even know how to work these out but I reckon they have to learn how to be more steady for surfing.
* Shoulders and Tri-ceps - because they might as well not be there.
* Calves - because if I ever make it onto my feet, I'm unbalanced because everywhere below my knee is too skinny for the rest of my body.

That's all for now. Should be fun. I'll be a pro-surfer in no time! It's a wonderful feeling, riding a wave - even if I couldn't get up on two feet, just one foot/one knee. It was amazing how, after I got up that far, the wave just took over and I felt like I was flying. Next time, next time for sure!


I was a bit disturbed this afternoon. I fear that someone I care about very dearly had the comments "poor guy" said about him because his girlfriend's heart is somewhere else. I don't doubt she cares about him but I reckon she'd drop him in a second if she had a chance. I hate that. I really do. I will never understand how people could do that to someone. Seriously, if she hurts him... my is she's gonna get an ear-bashing! His happiness is the only thing that's keeping me from doing it right now.

Okay, that's all I feel like talking about right now. I really don't like this entry. But it'll have to do coz I couldn't be bothered changing it. Bye!

four letter word

It can be used to express surprise
It can be used to express amazement
It can be used to express disgust
It can be used to denote...
It can be used as part of a curse toward someone
It can be used to fill in parts of flows when the rapper doesn't know what to say

It is also used, as I am wanting to use it now, to express sheer frustration.

What a versatile word.

Friday, March 11, 2005


Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
Walter Anderson

I didn't know that being honest with one's self was a risk.

Is it better to stand by your values or follow your heart?

As happy as following my heart could make me right now... I'm paralysed by what my values tell me is the right thing to do.

That's what's gone through my mind as I lay awake feeling thousands of emotions rushing through me. I wish the world could tell me what I should do.

Ok bye! I just had to blog coz I haven't in a while.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

to risk or not to risk...

... that is the question.

Sometimes we're so trapped or held back by something or another that we become so scared of taking that risk that might ultimately set us free.

So how will we ever know if we never take the risk?

There's the risk hangover we get after we make a decision that will change the course of our lives - Did I do the right thing? Should I just have gone with the flow? It's been so long since I woke up one morning and really and truly resolved to jump. So much can change in a matter of minutes - one honest conversation, one kiss, one phone call, or just that moment you decide things have to change, you have to take that risk. Sometimes all it takes is to be selfish for a moment; to decide that your happiness can't be dependent on someone else's happiness; to decide that the guilt you may feel at the time is better than the guilt you'll feel if you don't change anything; to realise not making that decision could be holding you back even more.

You'll never understand it until the day you do it. The feeling of liberation is priceless when you've taken the right risk. Just hope your in-built risk management system isn't being too irrational...

That's all. Latahz!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Bills! Bills! Bills!

The relevance of that title: slim to no relevance at all.

I just thought of it tonight when I was thinking tonight about all the responsibility I'll be taking up in the next few years. I got 3 things in the mail tonight:

#1 - Superannuation Information Pack
#2 - Life Insurance Application Form
#3 - Former Superannuation Exit Notice

From all of that, I spent my evening calling around to all the Super funds I'm with to get details (coz I throw all my statements away y'see) to roll all my super over to my current fund. On top of that, I was pondering about how many standard drinks I have per week (I settled with 4/wk and I already felt like an aloholic - but unfortunately, they told me to tell the truth and I think that's been the truth lately =\) and whether I've got RSI, diabetes, mental disabilities or any muscular conditions for my Life Insurance Application. Gosh.

When I was younger, I used to love getting mail. Now, every envelope addressed to me requires some sort of action - be it a form submission, credit card payments, and these days I feel like I have to understand everything I'm getting into. I've currently got plans to:

* Get my own Medicare Card
* Apply for my own Health Insurance
* Change ownership of my mobile phone account to myself
* Set-up payments for Foxtel out of my account

Might have to amend my answers to my health insurance application after all of this. Too much! Too much!

I'm starting to feel grown-up. It's so strange. They don't lie when they say that responsibility creeps up on you. I was under the impression I was gonna be able to cruise until I'm at least 25. Gotta start learning to look after ourselves now. It's scary.

I just had to let that all out. Back to adulthood =) Bye!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005



It's been a while. I don't know why I don't have that much to blog about these days. My days have just been work, work and work. Not so many interesting stories, and now that I'm reading, I've cut out all the pensive time I used to have.

The finale of Australia's Next Top Model was on tonight. I'm glad she won. I do think she's a bit of a pill, but I'm glad Sam's wish didn't come true because she was a royal itch. I reckon I'd slap her if I saw her on the street...... then say sorry. Haha.

So what's been the dealio?

Friday Night I went down to Cargo Bar with the grads... well the ISD grads plus some. I only had one drink before I started to feel a bit sick in the stomach so I didn't stay so long. Saturday Night was supposed to be a quiet night. I had plans to curl up and read my book all night but the girls decided they wanted to do a repeat of 2 weeks ago. Well, not exactly a repeat... but close enough. Drinks at Roxy, dancing at Collectors then karaoke at Alisa's. Sunday was spent in total laziness. All afternoon I was curled up whilst my eyes switched from reading mode to sleeping mode. It was glorious!

... and now that I've finished babbling and recounting, time to throw in something that I always throw in when I'm lost for blog content - a quote!

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.
-Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Interesting isn't it? It's nice how distance really does make the heart grow fonder. But then do you question your feelings for someone if you don't yearn for them when they're gone? I'm currently undecided on that one... although I'm leaning toward 'no'.

Distance definately makes it more difficult to stay connected with someone. So that passion for that someone that you have to exercise to stay connected can't just be a crappy "mediocre passion" - it has to be real. But then it can't be that black and white. Sometimes you just don't miss someone because you know the connection's there no matter how little you see them, how seldom you speak to them, how far you are from them. The relationship (talking friendships and romances, by the way) doesn't need to be nurtured. It's effortless.

RANDOM THOUGHT: Something that's scary is that my emotions are out of my control in certain situations. Situations involving relationships that I want to hold close to me. What happens then is that I start experiencing one emotion after another... I end up angry; I don't like being angry.

OMG! Epiphany! I understand now! Remind me to tell you later...

Ok, back to the book. Bye!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Defining Moments

I watched Hitch last night - thank you Virgin. I enjoyed it, bar the bit that had me hissing "bit*h" every 5 minutes.

It brought up the theme of defining moments; the way specific moments in your past contributed to the person you are. It's fascinating. The thought that there's that moment in time that quite possibly changed the direction of your life, changed your attitudes and ideals.

I don't quite know when my defining moments were. Brainstorming, I came up with:

1. Hearing my parents tell me the column 2 tick against "computer skills" on my Year 4 report should have been a column 1 tick - my motivation to excel in computing was born that afternoon
2. High School - made me cautious in my relationships
3. One of the many breakups I had back in 2002 - I remember vowing, the following day, that I'd be happy no matter what; that I'd be happy being single because I didn't ever want to depend on a guy for my happiness

That's all I can think of right now, unfortuately. There have to be more. I'm still trying to find out who I am and what defines me. Without knowing that, how can I begin to pinpoint what moments brought me here.

Self-discovery is enlightening.


Opportunities... you can only chase them so far. If it ain't meant to be, it won't be - so what's the point in continuing the chase?

I'm over it.


I've been reading He's Just Not That Into You lately. Interesting book... it's not flawless and I didn't really read anything I didn't already know. The only bit that jumped out at me was the part where it said something like: He's making a CHOICE. Everyday he's making a choice to not be with you.

I've naturally extended it to include: One day he could make the choice to be with someone else, do you want to continue choosing him?

It's just ridiculous. Indecisive or not, THAT really makes sense to me. Hi face value.


I was also thinking, Hitch is like a self-help book for men. I guess, since men aren't avid self-help book readers, they had to make a movie. Sorta...



Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Those who stand for nothing fall for anything
Alexander Hamilton


Sunday, February 20, 2005


Apparently, my blogs are too cluttered for Ian to read. Hi Ian.

Unfortunately, my mind's a bit like that - cluttered. So a lot of what I say or what I write is a bit cluttered because the way I think is cluttered. Funny.

So, it's been a big week for me. From Monday to Wednesday I had graduate induction - finally a permy! We had drinks @ Ryan's Bar after induction Wednesday to mark the end of induction and the start of our professional work lives *sigh* I must say, I've met so many interesting people in the past week - so many different personalities, each with their own story... I love it!

The first two days of work came and went.

I met the cheddar for "half milo/half mocha" on Thursday night before he flew off for two weeks. This will be interesting. I met Minh after to shop around for her outfit for Saturday night and some general work clothes. We both felt the urge to buy new clothes for work! eeps!

Friday night a bunch of the Mac bankwide grads got together @ Verandah Bar to drink to our first weekend! Go the Long Island Ice Team (nice one)! That's the second week in a row that I've been drinking twice. Geeeez. After drinks, I went with Mel and Ian to Superbowl for a late dinner. That was sickening (I ate too much) - I'm not eating there for a while (it's a great place, it's my fault really...)

Saturday was a long one. It was Coogee for Ryan and Sarah's BBQ from around 2pm. We fled Coogee when the coastguards warned us that a hailstorm was headed our way (Pat: Tsunami! Tsunami!). We retreated to Westfield Bondi Junction where Minh and Mel did a bit of shopping and we had dinner in the "Restaurant Precinct" (sorry, I think that's funny).

We went to Mac BS to take advantage of free parking for the first time and to get ready for the joint party at Bar Luca. We met with Mindy and went to the party - we felt so old. Not that these kids were 18 or anything... they were a year younger than us.

The four of us went to City Extra CQ instead to chill out and have some dessert. Afterwards, we were ready to turn in. When we got to my car it was about quarter to midnight. Nice girls... we're getting old =)

Today was POST-ADORE at Enmore. I loved it. I always do. Those kids are excellent!

Here are a couple random thoughts going through my cluttered mind:
1. I have trouble expressing anger toward people that hurt me (Relatives don't count. Hi Veed. I love you sister)
2. I don't like pursuing something that turns me into someone I don't want to be...

Now, I'm ready to turn in... and it's 9.30pm! Eesh! Bye!

PS. This was a recount. Sorry. I'm bad at recounts

Monday, February 14, 2005

if only things were that simple

Happy Valentine's Day ya'll!

... not a day I will be celebrating, third year in a row! You know what makes me smile though? The way that my friends make the effort to wish me a Happy V-day. It's nice because I don't expect it at all, and it's nice that they're thinking about you enough to drop you a message or an SMS (or whatever). So I dropped a few, so hopefully I've made some people smile today =)

Ok so...

Saturday Night I went to Roxy Parra with the girls. Free drinks for 2 hours for $10 meant that we were pretty tipsy by the time we stumbled out of the place. We made a pit stop at Macca's before heading out to the city to do some dancing at the Brooklyn Hotel. I had a great time!

Today was my first day at Mac as a permy (yay for free weekend parking!). I was at the training centre today where I got to sit through orientation talks and socialise with the other grads. There are so many of us! I think they said we've got 49 Bankwide grads this year. I had a good time today too... we're taking our security pass photos tomorrow - can't wait! I'm so sick of having such an embarrassment of a photo on my pass. Hi luvo.

Now, since it's Valentine's Day and I'm single as hell, I'm gonna sleep till morning now. Thanks, bye.

PS. The boys are in the air now - bye! Ew, I'm actually gonna miss them.

Saturday, February 12, 2005


Chinese New Year @ Gas went off!

... well, I had fun =) Thanks to everyone for making it a fantastic night!

I woke up this morning with a considerable hangover. Not so much a hangover because I had some to drink - I was sober by the time I got into bed - but the "what happened?" type hangover. It wasn't a repeat of my do-not-remember-anything experience at Bar Broadway last year *shudder* I just had a lot on my mind. I was lying in bed for 3 hours this morning (I slept for only 4 hours can you believe??) trying to organise my thoughts.

It's funny the things that go down in the club atmosphere. Where there's alcohol, there's ego. Then there's the silent consensus that what happens in the club, stays in the club. It's a different world in there and there's a tendency to do things we wouldn't normally do.

There are reasons. There are reasons we do things we're not particularly proud of. There are reasons we react so passionately to certain things. They're not always good reasons, but y'know...

Sometimes the situation you're in, the people you're with, the atmosphere you're in, the expectations people place on you turn you into someone else. The comforting thing is, the people that care about you - the ones that matter the most - know who you really are. They know when you've made mistakes or when you've made crappy decisions and they continue to stick by you no matter what happens.

I've already been told off once about it this morning. I don't need to hear it again.

Ok... looks like the Roxy tonight.


PS. Ew. My Dad reckons he wants to set me up with someone coz I've been single forever. You shoulda seen my face when brought it up. I swear... *grr*
PPS. Double ew. I share a wall with my parents' ensuite bathroom. My Dad was suggesting he put a vent on the wall so I can feel the airconditioner from their bedroom. Did he not think that I don't want to be... smelling stuff?
PPPS. Pictures are up...
PPPPS. I watched The Notebook again. I'm not a hater anymore. It was beautiful. Still a bit easy, but it pulled a few strings in my coronary organ.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

On my plate...

[no] Legally Blonde 2
[yes] Where the Heart Is
[YES] Before Sunset
[yes] Don't Say a Word
[no] The Terminal
[no] The In-Laws
[YES] A Few Good Men
[yes] Primal Fear

These are the DVD/Videos I've been watching the past couple of weeks. Tonight I'm going to give The Notebook another squizz. Denk made me feel like a "cardboard box" for falling asleep and not crying when we saw it at the "theatre" in New Jersey so I guess I should give it a chance huh?

I haven't really been blogging because bijooh's been down, so I'm temporarily back at blogspot 'till we're back up and running.

It was a beautiful day on Tuesday. The sun was out, there was a light breeze and I... was stuck at home. I decided in an instant that I was going to go to the beach that day, whether I was going on my own or not. Manio pointed out that I've been wanting to go all "leave" (that's what I'm calling my pre-work holiday) but I'd never gone. I'd been waiting for someone, ANYONE, to go with me but Tuesday was the day I wasn't waiting around... so I went on my own. It was nice... quality time with me. As I lay on the beach hoping to go a shade darker, I could feel the breeze on my skin, the little particles of sand slowly burying me, and the heat of the summer all around me. It was wonderful. I dipped in every now and then to wash the sand that had breezed over my skin and I alternated between reading about "The Rules", Emotional IQ and sleeping. Maroubra Beach is beautiful on a quiet weeekday. I wish I did it more often!

... was a bit of a nothing day, I think. I went to Ash Wednesday mass in the morning and decided I was giving up my late nights (past midnight, if not, 12.30am [unless I'm going out]), coffee, rice for dinner (and all day Fridays, along with meat), fast food; and decided to try to go to mass daily, say the Rosary at least twice daily and go to adoration weekly.

... oh yeh, I also went to Parramatta to pick the car up from service. That's all.

I had a good morning-afternoon. I watched Primal Fear once I got up. The Foxtel Digital guys came buy to make sure I never know the channel numbers of any channel on cable (it's so complicated!) and I picked Veed up from the doctor after she decided she was too dizzy to go to work.

THEN, I picked up Geno and went with Veed to meet Kim and Kris at St. Patrick's Parramatta for mass. I loved that we were all together. After mass, we went to OLMC to say hi to Katie then proceeded to have a late lunch at Westfield. Cousin time is so enjoyable... even if I am the oldest, these were the kids I grew up with. I love 'em lots!

I went by Fairfield to buy tickets for *cough*Gas*cough* tomorrow night before settling back at home. I'm thinking of going to Kim's house now to keep bonding.

Tomorrow should be fun.

I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City as of late. It's only on every second show in the afternoon on W. The other day I watched an episode when Miranda said something I related to:
I've spent my life deciphering the mixed messages
Reminded me of how I over-think (thanks M&M)... how much I read into everything everyone says as if there's some sort of hidden meaning beneath layers and layers of analogies and vagueness. I reckon I do it because I hide everything I feel and mean beneath layers such as these and I expect that others do too. Apparently, this is rarely the case... and sometimes, it's easier and safer to just take things as face value.

Today's episode showed the different outcomes of distance. Eh.

Ok done. I needed that. Bye!

cheap thrills Word of the Day

purblind: having greatly reduced vision.

That made me laugh.

Monday, February 07, 2005

the weekend that was...

On Friday Night we were at Mt Druitt for the First Friday-Saturday Vigil. It was great to see so much youth there on Friday! Gonna miss the Teej and Menard though... =(

Saturday Morning, I managed to get 45 min sleep before I had to up and head to Strathfield to kick off the overnight at Port Stephens...

* Minh talks a lot =]
* It was good to see Ed again
* Shopping for the night was an adventure. We bought A LOT of food(bacon) for breakfast and for the 4am snack that was never had
* There's a Target Country in Port Stephens. We still don't really know what's so "Country" about it
* Zenith Beach (?) for a couple hours that afternoon - when I started goosebumping, we knew it was time to head back
* Looking for somewhere to have dinner was frustrating - everything closes so early on Saturday nights; either that, or they run out of food
* Thank you Chinos! You serve good pizza
* Wiggy brought 2 bottles of red wine: one was fantastic, the other SO sad!
* Would you save your Dad? heh
* "How big's the hole? (about this big) Well, we have no problem then..."
* Sh-dong and Bok were short-lived. That Ping-Pong-Pang! drinking game was funny
* Have you played Hearts with real cards? Mindy, Joe, Bjorn and I did for the first time (well, it was my first time). I've got a new-found love for that game =)... DONG!
* I showed Joe and Bjorn how to put on moisturiser - Joe was correcting me, and I found out the next day that Bjorn was playing dumb because he has my face moisturiser!
* Apparently, I don't put my face moisturiser on properly... apply UPWARDS!
* Balcony talk was fun... some people play games, I like to ponder, discuss and babble about love, life and happiness *sigh*
* The starry sky in the country is beautiful
* Meanwhile I think there was some rowdy going-ons indoors =]
* Discussions of Before Sunset snuck in there a few times
* Tried to stick around till the sunrise...
* I managed 3 hours sleep before heading down to take a morning dip and attempted to bronze a bit
* Breakfast was good. We didn't eat all we bought though...
* Sat around till we decided to go back to Zenith
* Waves at Zenith were great!
* The condom hugs... haha! Thaaanks Phil.
* Slept all the way home... thanks to Mamo (and John) for the drive up and back!
* I got my Summer hit...
* T'was fun...=)

One more week till work... Bye!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

... and she asks

"Are you angry at me?
I'm inspired by little things. The way she asked gave me a good feeling inside. I can't even explain why. It was just really nice.


Thursday, February 03, 2005

Before Sunset

... is hands down THE BEST MOVIE. Well, no, it's my favourite for the moment. Okay, so it doesn't have that great an ending, but the movie's defining scene did it for me. I've seen that scene, heard that dialogue three times this afternoon. Depending how well you know me, you'll completely understand WHY this movie pinched me so hard in the heart. I saw myself in Celine... that's all. She's a Sagittarius after all =)

I'm not gonna get over that movie, or that scene, for a while. In about 6 hours, I'll have it ripped onto my PC so I can watch it over and over.

Oh... my song of the moment:

Tyler Collins - Thanks To You

It's so uplifting. I love it. It's my new karaoke song - too bad I don't have it on my Magic Sing chips.

This evening, I remembered why I don't like shopping. When I say "shopping", I mean "shopping around". I don't know about you guys, but I'm very wham bam thankyou ma'am about shopping. I don't go unless I want something, and when I see something I like, I'm in and out of the store in record girl time. Most of the time of course... sometimes I do cruise.

My Dad took me around Liverpool, The Crossroads and Orange Grove looking for a recliner for my mum. I was restless after 5 minutes man - and the only reason I lasted the next 20 minutes was because I chose to roam around the computer section of Harvey Norman. I bought a new X-over cable and some blank DVD's. That was satisfying.

I was thinking today... the beauty of hearing someone say: "no matter what happens...".

It has unconditional written all over it. It's very comforting.

I'm done now. I'm gonna leave you with something that Celine said in Before Sunset:
Reality and Love are almost contradictory to me
I found that... interesting.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

got it!

I was lying in bed all night with a thought. A thought that I didn't know how to put into words...

I don't know about you but, since I'm a bit of an observer, I'm a believer that actions speak louder than words. If there is some inconsistency between what a person says and what they do, I'm inclined to view their actions as truth, taking away the validity of their words. After all, don't they say that you should always "practice what you preach"?

There was this quote that came in on my QOTD ( feed that I never really got until I woke up this morning (Did I ever tell you that my best ideas come to me in the morning, once I wake up? Well, they do). The quote summarised everything I was thinking about last night:
Actions lie louder than words
... because I think my actions have been inconsistent with the way I feel and what I say. This also reminded me of something that was told to me a while ago - that things aren't always what they seem...

Which then brought me to the question: Why would people not act on what they feel, or what they've said?

... and that brought me back to the fact that sometimes the mind needs to force us to do things that go against what the heart feels - or what it tells us to say. Otherwise...

Oh dear. I need to get out. Bye!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


Jennifer Day - Completely

Country softc*ck is pretty mad. There's always a bit more desperation in the voices that sing them that make the songs a bit more emotional.

I saw Where the Heart Is this evening. Natalie Portman is my flavour of the month. She's so beautiful.

Mindy asked in in her blog, it was asked in the movie I saw tonight:
Why do people lie? ... there are so many reasons
... telling a lie could completely change the course of your life and, as the movie suggested, so can deciding to telling the truth.

If only it were that easy...

Anyway, can anyone recommend some good movies that I can watch while I'm at home? Preferrably classics that I should've watched when I was younger, or whatever really. I like this movie watching thing =)

My sister got her student card in the mail today. I didn't. That means I start paying $34/week for my train ticket from April =\. That also means I'm graduating soon! I'm so excited. I started practising my graduation smile today.

I wonder whether things are gonna be different this year now that most of us are graduating. I finally understand why so many people were pondering on how friendships were going to change and whatnot last year. I've thought a bit about where some of my friendships would be in a year. I resolve to persevere in my friendships so I don't lose them. Little do you know, the world has other plans for you - and you have no choice but to ride with it.

Ok ta-ta!

Monday, January 31, 2005


In CLOSER, Dan was telling Alice how he uses euphemisms to write his obituararies.

I'd like mine to read:
... haha. I spent a bit of time at to work that one out.

It's funny when I looked up "paranoid", it's three definitions were: insane, lunatic and mentally ill. Ouch. I should really stop being so paranoid then aye.

I'm really excited about this weekend. I was thinking about it today, and I haven't done anything summery all Summer! I was gonna beach it with Minh tomorrow, but that fell through so it looks like I'm roaming Parra with the MHCC'ers instead.

Also, I went on a date with Alisa last night. I missed that girl man. This summer has been very... different in so many ways. Now that Mama's home, things might veer toward "normal" again.

This staying at home thing isn't good for my sanity. It's quite boring. It also put me in the pensive mood as I predicted. I knew that, when things stopped being so hectic, that I was gonna have time to assess where things are going for me. It's all a big blur for me. I don't know why, and I don't know how to make it clearer.

Time, I guess.

Okay bye!

Saturday, January 29, 2005


Would you ever erase the memory of a relationship in your past?

... even if it hurt you to remember it?
... even if it made it hard for you to move on?

Course not, right?

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight. Weird movie. It was, however, rather engaging.

It reminded me of how painful a past memory of a relationship could be for someone, of how some memories can be so crippling, it's hard to move on.

The movie, however, also reminded me that, regardless of how hard it is to retain memories of a relationship, I'd never erase them. I believe strongly that, after you peel off the the bruised skin of the overall memory, you're sure to find memories you're never going to want to let go. Memories that will never fail to make you smile, no matter how much time passes.

That's how I live. I hold on to the best of life. It keeps me going.

In other news...
When I got back from the US, I was black. No kidding, it was very bad. Now, I'm the whitest. M-cubed, back from the Gold Coast are all bronzed, and I've become a wintery white. It's pretty funny.

Good Night =)

Friday, January 28, 2005

lotion hydrates your skin

I just wanna share something with everyone...

My favourite thing to do after taking a shower is to moisturise. It's the best.

That's it. Bye!


1. Maria Sharapova OR Anna Kournikova
2. Maria Sharapova OR Bec Cartwright
3. Brigitte Wilson OR Lara Rafter (are they married yet?)
4. Marat Safin OR Roger Federer

This is all superficial. I'm talking about looks. That's it.

Thanks for your cooperation =)

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


... because I should tell some stories.

The Generous Tip
So during Adore, my cousin's, Veed, Kirk and I stayed in a hotel at Chinatown so that we didn't have to trek it all the way home every night. Also meant that we could wake up that little bit earlier because we were already in the city.

So it was Sunday morning. Kris, Kate and I were waiting at the busstop for a bus. We just missed a whole flood of buses so I didn't think any would be coming soon. I'm impatient y'see and I figured, we just needed a ride down the road so I decided to taxi it up George St. instead. So we hail over a cab and upon getting in he says to me "I do not know my way around, I'm still new". So I'm all "Yeh, that's cool, it's just down the road anyway" - trying to be nice and all.

When we got to the George and King St Maccas, our fare came to $4.75. I handed over a $5 and I hear the driver say "Ok, I'll just get your change". Being the snotty person I am, I go "Oh, forget it, you can keep the change - it's only 25c". He then started offering to help my cousins take their suitcases out of the cab. When the cab drove off, my cousins looked at me and said "Wow Ate, you're so generous. You let him keep the change!" as if the 25c meant the world or something. So I was thinking... "Okay, my cousins are a bit tight" but then after a bit of chatter I realised....... I gave him a $50 note! I was shocked! When I saw the $10 note and the $5 note I should have used in my wallet, my heart sunk. I couldn't believe I gave the guy a $45 tip!

Anyway, I calmed down with a Starbucks Latte and resolved to never catch a cab half awake ever again.

After Adore
I went to Ryde, where a few Melbourne people (plus Gerardo from Brisbane) were staying. We had a late dinner at City Extra at the Quay. Gelatissimo closed before we could get to it so we had dessert there too. Nice night. We were up till the wee hours just talking about whatever in the motel room.

I had barely had 1 and a half hours sleep when I had to wake myself up to take Tito Mario to the airport around 6.30am! Eesh! That was a difficult drive man - even with Cyrille chattering next to me like a good shotgun should.

I've been watching quite a bit of tennis as of late. I used to watch it heaps back when I was younger. Still a good game.

There are a lot of new ones up on my Imagestation.

Glenn graduated the other day! Congrats cuz!

Australia Day
Wasn't too eventful. I was supposed to do something with the Hawai'i girls tonight but then... y'know. So we're planning for Sunday now. It's in my diary now okay! I haven't seen those girls in years!

Mel and I have been reading my old blogs tonight. What's more is that we started looking at ancient pictures as well. So much has changed man. We've all grown up, we've matured (some more than others =])... but sometimes, you wish you had the old times back, don't you?

That's why I don't understand why kids these days wanna grow up so fast. If they only knew how much they'd miss their adolesence once they've past it... if only I knew...

Okay, good night!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

hocus FOCUS!

ADORE2005 rocked Sydney! Although I was in the background a lot more this year, I still learnt a great deal and I (like to think I) came out a better person than I was when I went in. Most of all, it touched my heart to see the number of people at the congress who were touched by the whole experience. Therese described it in the most perfect way in her blog.

Part of me is glad it's over though. That was a HECTIC week. I had to sleep late, wake up early and move around all day. It's good to just chill again. That's what work leave is for right?

Fr. John told me two things that stuck in my mind:
1. "You think too much. You analyse too much; and when you analyse too much, you become paralysed"
2. "You just don't know how to commit to any of your resolutions"


So anyway, I think there's something wrong with me. SO many times in the past week, I'd be thinking about something, then I'd snap back into reality and I'd completely forget what I was thinking about. It's pretty bad man. Sometimes I'd be thinking about something really "important" (read: important to me) and I'd lose everything. Damn.

I was listening to Bad Habit in the car today and I started thinking...

How many times have we resolved to let go of something, only to be plagued with the mantra that goes:
It wasn't good for me, but it was good
and suddenly, the resolution we made is blown to bits.

MY answer: so many freaking times!

I've now resolved to change my focus. My mantra now goes:
It was good, but it wasn't good for me
...making sure my last thought is the reason I resolved to let go - that it wasn't good for me, that it wasn't meant to be. So many times, we hold on ever so tightly on the good parts of our experiences in life, our relationships, that we just can't move on from them. We keep looking back, blocking out the fact that, during our good experiences, we'd be feeling silent hurt.

There are always going to be things in life I wish were different but I can't fight for something I'm never really going to win.

So that's where I am right now. I'm making myself over.
I'm trying to plan more, and commit to plans more.
I'm trying to make sure my heart and my mind are cooperating.
I'm trying not to over-analyse so much that I become paranoid.

It's difficult because being a tad non-committal, emotional, and analytical is me. So I feel like I'm changing me. But in the words of Henri Bergson:
To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.
... and JFK
Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

In other news...
* My mum's coming home before the end of the week!
* Maria Sharapova is HOT

That's it. Sorry about the randomness of this post. Laters!