Sunday, August 29, 2004

SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS - Elements in a closed system tend to seek their most probable distribution; in a closed system entropy always increases. Isolated systems will tend to disorder.

I read that remembering that things seem to never be able to stay in harmony. The world always seems to find a way to mess things up, and for someone like me, that really really really sucks.

It's a cycle, I find though. Downtime is always followed by a bit of uptime so we've just got to train ourselves to endure the downtime. I'm a big believer in the sunshine after the rain.

I forgot my point.

Friday, August 27, 2004

faith n. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
believe v. intr. To have firm faith, confidence, or trust
trust v. To have or place confidence in; To believe
"The important thing is for you to believe in something, because I promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always."
-- JEN LINDLEY (Dawson's Creek)

What is it to have faith?

Can you advise someone to "have faith" in something? How can you possibly tell someone to believe in something? When material evidence is lacking, can you really convince someone to trust?

Something I've learnt is that trust, belief and faith come from within ones self. Unless one chooses to have faith in the unknown, attempts to convince one that something exists, or that something is possible, go unheard; and it's sad. It's sad because it's only through believing in the graces of the future that allows us to release ourselves from what holds us back, from what's stopping us from facing the world with confidence.

Learn from the past, live in the present and look to the future.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004


They exist - and just like secrets, everybody has them but nobody talks about them. Everybody has them and we all wish noone else did. But there out there. Can't do anything about them - so I blog about them.

Something I realised while on my holiday (yep, I holiday but my mind is still pondering) is that the biggest double standard that I have is the one by which I encourage people to 'move on'. Move on from situations, people, or, more commonly, past loves. I still attest to the fact that moving on can be, and many times is, one of the most liberating things one can do.

Why can't I, do you ask?

... because I'm not getting hurt, yet. I'm trying... I'm trying.


They say you need to earn respect. Respect and be respected right? So I suppose, if you attack, don't expect to not be on the receiving end of some sort of retaliation.

I don't appreciate feeling like a second rate friend to people who expect me to bend over backwards for them
I don't appreciate feeling attacked for asking a favour

... then people wonder why I'm not assertive. I get offended, just like everyone else, but I get over it. I just needed to vent.

I'll say it again, I'm over it. Don't ask me about this, unless you want me to relive it. Please don't make me relive it.


* Double Standards suck, but wishing people didn't have them would be a double standard in itself.

* Don't talk to me about this post

* You get what you give

* Don't talk to me about this post

* Good night.

... was a good getaway with the girls. The 3 M's and I flew out early Saturday morning on good ol' Virgin Blue and touched down around 8.30am at Melbourne's Tullamarine Airport.

After we dropped our stuff off at our humungous apartment (ok, not THAT huge but there was more than enough space for the four of us), we had brekky at The Pancake Parlour. Mindy parted with us soon after because she was feeling sick and her body didn't agree with her trekking around Melbourne City. Minh, Mel and I trekked it to Brunswick St and up Smith St, walking in and out of stores, walking out every few collectively poorer. We found Mindy in her pyjamas watching TV when we got back to the apartment. That's when the king of migranes hit. It must have come from all the continuous walking, the heat, the not so heat and the lack of food. I was out of order for a few hours. I pulled myself out, with migrane residue, to go to dinner at some Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. Yun joined us (i.e. "Mindy and co" - how insulted!) to finish off our leftovers toward the end of dinner. We chilled a bit at Transport bar in Federation Square before calling it a night. I think we were all physically too tired to party that night.

We were up semi-early on Sunday, ate Mel's homemade brekky and rode the tram for free to Bridge St for some more shopping. After Bridge St we went back into the city, split up and went exploring. I had to get back by 6-something to go to late mass at St. Patrick's before rushing home to watch the remainder of AIdol (Go Kasey!). When I got back, Mitch was being the JI of the night. After Idol, we had dinner at a cafe toward Crown then roamed around Crown. We watched the Crown flames at 11pm then had a late dessert inside the complex. Since we're all selfish, we all ordered (and didn't finish) one cake each. We went home after that and knocked out.

Sunday... the last day we hit Chapel St in South Yarra to pretend to shop. I didn't end up buying anything from there. I think I was all shopped out. We made a quick stop at St. Kilda before heading back up to the city so I could meet up with Trinski, who'd been waiting for the past 3 hours for us - OOPS! We caught up while looking for somewhere to eat, then we all had dinner at some very trendy Viet restaurant. That took us to the final hour... that was it. We picked our bags up from the apartment and cabbed it back to the airport to fly back home to Sydney.

Back to the real world. Back to reality. Back to life.

Thanks for the weekend girls. Love, love. Bye!

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Ok, I'll admit it... I'm a sucker for love and the sort. I was up all night reading all these quotes and every few really strike a chord with me.

So many quotes, so many meanings but I'll only remember some. I think that the ones one reacts to - say something about the person. Don't you think? So deduce what you want about me:

Because science and rationality has nothing to do with it...
How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics
so important a biological phenomenon as first love?
You call it madness, but I call it love.
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.

Because it's true...
The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

Because it goes beyond the boundaries of age and time...
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

Because it requires dedication...
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings..

Because I believe it should be selfless...
Him that I love, I wish to be free -- even from me.
Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Because it is a choice (thanks anonymous#2)...
Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.

Because it's miraculous...
Whoso loves, believes the impossible.

Because it involves friendship...
All love that has not friendship for its base,
Is like a mansion built upon the sand.
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

Just because...
If I know what love is, it is because of you.

That's it. Thank you and good bye.

Monday, August 16, 2004

You either know this or you don't.

I analyse for a reason. I preferred science and math to english or art. It's because I yearn to know.

I prefer to know why than to eternally wonder why things are the way they are - because I live by what I know an get lost in the things I wonder about.

I want to know the truth, not just hear a point of view - because the nature of the truth helps me to understand various points of view.

My heart feels more than my head thinks - because your heart knows what will make you truly happy.

This post almost seems contradictory.

You either understand me or you don't.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

You know what? Friday the 13th had the complete OPPOSITE effect on my life. Lots of good stuff happened. Don't really feel like going into it right now, but y'know, just had to make the point.

I ended up heading out into the city for Friday night with Nix. We talked about a whole array of things - my favourite being deciding where we'd like to be proposed to at. Not really, we were really talking about emergency places to dash off to if our boyfriend decides to pop the question somewhere meaningless. We named parks, rivers, memorable benches, sights, lakes - all sorts of romantic settings just so the surroundings are beautiful when it happens.

Now that I think about it though, I guess, ultimately, it doesn't matter WHERE I am when the moment comes. What really matters is WHO is on the asking side of the question. Hmm... but don't you think an ideal "WHERE" is much easier to discuss than the ideal "WHO"? I think so.

We met up with Minh, Will, Mindy, Eric and co at Bungalow 8, which was crawling with lots of after work drinkers and bar-goers. After eating, talking and wearing a bib (eep!) we trekked to the movies to watch (after the long decision making process) The Stepford Wives. Eh... it was okay. There were lots of times I cracked up laughing... but then there were times when... I needed the movie to be over. The night ended after that, after Nix and I played "What time will we get home?". That was fun.

I decided to blog about this after watching I, Robot yesterday arvo with Al, Nix and Jay-E (look Nix, another nickname!). Mainly because, I didn't really understand the ending. I found myself asking ever so curiously "So what's gonna happen next?". Joe shut my mouth by saying the very words that were the conception of this part of my blog:
"Nel, the movie ended where it ended. You're not supposed to think about what happens next"

Then we thought about it. In Serendipity, Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack end up together because they were 'meant to be', and they celebrated their one year anniversary - but have we ever thought about what happens next? We're led to believe that they stay together, get married and live happily ever after.

Are the endings of movies only good when we're satisfied with the outcome? Satisfied enough that we can make up a 'happily ever after' sequence in our heads?

Here. I'll tell you something else. We were all sitting in my room last night looking up the meaning of the I, Robot ending when we started talking about the ending to The Buttefly Effect. I was horrified to discover that I watched a COMPLETELY different ending to Veed, Nix AND Alisa. While I was giving them my opinion of the ending I saw, they were all staring at me with the blankest faces - just before bursting out in laughter because they thought I was dillusional. We put the DVD on and found out that I had watched 'The Director's Cut' and that there were, in fact, two different endings to the movie. When I showed them the ending that I was so satisfied with, they all - in unison - declared that "Their ending was better". I refused to agree because I was already completely satisfied with my ending that I couldn't conceive any other ending to be as fitting for the movie.

But, my version never made it to the cinemas for a reason. I understand why. But I still like my ending better :).

To conclude, I, Robot was an excellent movie. But I hated that I was walking out of the cinema wondering what was gonna happen next because I didn't feel the story end properly. Anyone wanna close it up for me? Bye.

PS. I don't really like my last blog. It's too messy. I might delete it.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Ever felt like you had something - and then have someone tell you, or have something happen that signals, hi, you don't have it?

It's a funny feeling. But y'know... if it wasn't meant to happen, it wasn't meant to happen. But it's cool... life's better without the complications.


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

-- EDIT 120804 --

Veed pointed a nice quote that would go as another nice prologue to this entry:
"My daddy used to tell me that the first time you fall in love, it changes your life forever, and no matter how hard you try, the feelin' never goes away. This girl you been tellin' me about was your first love. And no matter what you do, she'll stay with you forever"
The Notebook - Nicholas Sparks pp15-6

-- END EDIT --

Usher ft. Alicia Keys - My Boo
There's always that one person that will always have your heart
Imagine that. That's just nuts. It's a good song though. That's all. It's been a long day, I need rest. Goodnight ya'll.


Hi Nix =D... that's all hehe.

Dee, hope you had a good night. I (attempted to) explain the reason for my absence. Next time love, next time.

... and to my favourite kind of commenter: the anonymous.
I'm not sure whether you want my opinion about the line, or the song in its entirety, but I suppose they imply the same thing anyway right? So here I go...

First, I'm only 21 years old and the word 'always' to me means the same thing as 'what seems like forever' because, until I'm pushing 40 and looking back on my life, I can't really know if someone has 'always' had my heart.

Second, you have to ask yourself what 'someone having your heart' means to you. Differs from person to person but I think it affects most people the same. I like to believe that to give my heart to someone is to give my heart to them for a loooooooong time, if not 'always'.

I don't know about you, but despite how many times I say I'm 'in love' with someone (relax, I'm kidding 99.99% of the time), it takes A LOT for someone to have my heart. YOu know what else? I don't realise that someone's got my heart until the feelings have consumed me and it's too late to take it back. At the same time, this poor person doesn't realise that I've given them my heart at all. Then, throw in the battle to regain possession of your heart and... it's tragic really.

So I reckon, more often than not, regardless of the number of times you've tried to convince yourself you've taken your heart back, it's still with the person you gave it to in the first place. Unfortunately, one's head doesn't tell one's heart what to do, what to feel. The heart decides on its own whether it wants to stay put or whether it's time to return to the mothership. The time it takes all this heart transfer business to propogate to the head varies from person to person. You're lucky if you're able to register all of this before you've gone too deep.

I also think that, in the same way it takes a lot for someone to have one's heart, it takes just as much of a different energy for one to take their heart back.

I don't think I covered everything, but I've babbled on enough about this. How about I leave you with something that I'm currently uncertain of:
Can you be with someone while your heart is with someone else?
That's it for me now. Good night.

Friday, August 06, 2004

BLOGGER as a communication device

Who has my ALIAS Season One Boxset?

-- edit --

BLOGGER back to normal
"Happiness is our responsibility"
I like that. Not only coz Jennifer Garner's mum says it, not only coz Jennifer Garner believe it - but coz it's true. My life wouldn't work if I wasn't positive (as much as I can be, of course). I'd probably just dig a deep hole of sadness, and speaking from (far far) experience, it's not very fun down there.

Just came back from vigil. Some things that popped into my head:
* I desire the well-being of my friends just as much as my own
* Prayer is power
* I need to get control of my heart again. It's been way too long and it might not even be worth it (fYOURi, it's that whole 'put your eggs in one basket' thing you mentioned the other night) - until next time
* I can't say it enough, but I love my friends. I really do.
* Geez it's freezing...

Sooooooooooooooo, what do ya'll wanna do tonight? Bye!

-- edit --

Just finished watching A Walk To Remember. I laaahved it! I don't remember why I didn't really like it the first time. But I thought it was quite beautiful watching it again.

#1: "What is a friend? It is one soul dwelling in two bodies" - Aristotle. Gives meaning to the word SOULMATES now doesn't it?

#2: My dad walks in halfway through the movie. Being my dad...
Dad: Your mum already watched that movie didn't she?
Nel: I don't know? Maybe...?
Dad: She dies
Nel: (even if I know the story, I am mortified that he said that) Dad!
Dad: What? (and if you didn't think it could get any worse) They get married then she dies

Oh, my Dad. Bye now.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Before I begin, the last couple nights in Jersey in pictures here.

What's been going on in my head lately...

I was looking through my pictures the night before I went to Melbourne. Now, this wasn't the first time I've seen these pictures of course. I've seen them MANY times. I've seen pictures of the same parties from other people's cameras, some telling stories, representing my memories, other peoples' memories, and many showing the evolution of relationships between people. As I am looking at each picture, I notice that there are some missing (because durr, I'm not gonna print EVERYTHING). Then I started thinking about the pictures I left out. What they meant to me, and whether what was contained in them gave me reason to not print them. I'm not a dumbass. I'm self-aware enough to know why I didn't print some of my pictures. I know why, even though I took a picture from my camera and printed it, I needed to get a copy of the exact same picture from someone else's camera just because it looked better than mine, or just because.

I'm so strange.

So my photo albums, the frames on display in my room, the SMS' I keep on my phone, the conversations etched into my memory...

They are my memories. They are the memories that I consciously chose to keep. It doesn't tell the whole story of my life. But it tells enough for me to look back and smile.

Tell me you have none and you're probably a liar. Everyone has secrets. Secrets that complicate the world because you've gotta keep track of who knows, who doesn't know, who can't know and who has to know - and don't get me started on the various issues that come up because of loyalty...

So how much do you tell someone you truly care about in that way? Do you want to hang your dirty laundry all over the relationship so everything is open an honest? If so, are details important? Or is "Yes, I cheated on my girlfriend" enough? Do you try to start a new slate because what's in the past is in the past? Or do you think these secrets are so integral to who you are today that it's imperative that your partner should know? Then there's the timing issue. Do you tell them in the beginning of the relationship? Do you tell them when the relationship's getting serious? Do you tell them up front so they can drop you if they can't let it go? Or do you just hope that they don't drop you when you tell them later because it's already serious?

I used to be one to think that openess is the best policy. A relationship with secrets was a relationship without trust and honesty.

But then, I've seen people make mistakes. Mistakes that could break a good relationship up if it came out. Some of these people would admit their mistakes. Others don't. It's only been recently that I've come to truly understand why they don't. Imagine being so into someone, imagine going through all hell to be with them... then imagine losing something you want so bad because of something that happened in the past.

I'm not saying it's an excuse to keep secrets. But I don't want to be the person that's made a mistake that could break up something that I really want. That's all.

This one won't be long, I promise.

I don't know what kind of people you are, but I aim to please. I have this subconscious need to make everyone happy, or at least not make anyone really upset, in many situations. So if something was expected of me, I would try to please as much as I can. Give people what they expect of me.

That's most of the time of course.

So what do I do if the ball's not in my court?

What if my aim's are dependent on someone else's decisions?

... and What if that someone else's expectations of them mean their probable decision ruins my goal?

Ok seriously... I think too much weird stuff. Bye.
What's going on people?

I expected a whole array of new blogs to read. Oh well, at least Neex kept me entertained.

I guess I can't talk myself because I haven't blogged for a while huh? But seriously, not much has happened since I last blogged - kinda.

On Thursdee a bunch of the uni people met up at Wynyard Park for Jas' 22nd Birthday. Oh aren't we getting ancient? I, myself, didn't socialise much since I got there late because I had to buy a few big sandwiches. After work, I met up with Minh and Mamo for a bit of dindin and talkage at Centrepoint.

Most of late last week, MMMM&I (So many M's, not enough N's) got a whole bunch of pictures developed at Harvey Norman because they were doing digital prints for 20c each! I managed to lose my mum's memory card too because I'm crap. But I'm so glad I got so many pictures developed! I also got some enlargements - and I even made a collage - to put into the frames in my room.

After work on Friday I met up with Mel and Minh. We went to Twelve Spices for dinner then we chillaxed at my house, talking, looking at pictures and, of course, karaoke-ing.

Saturday I was up bright and early because I was flying out to Melbourne. Long story short, the retreat we went to was fun and inspirin as usual. I met a lot of kids from Brissy and Melbourne I had heard of but never really met. Such a good crowd those guys.

Last night after the retreat was over, a bunch of us went to Crown Casino just so we could see a bit of Melbourne City (this was my second trip to Melbourne and I'd never done that!). That was pretty fun too. I can't wait to go back in three weeks with the girls!

... and now I'm back home. I arrived around 10am this morning. Dropped by Harvey Norman to pick up the last of my cheap prints and trained it, baggage and all, back to Fairfield.

So that's the recount. I have a few other things I've been thinking about... but I'll save that for another blog. Peace up. A-Town.